Swiss people stare. A lot.

In America we get this idea that in Europe anything goes. They are all so free spirited that nothing matters. No shirt, dreadlocks, no problem. Well Switzerland is different. At least with the older generation that is. They are very modest. The Swiss can do what they want. If you aren't Swiss though you can't. As my friend said, they can smell a non-Swiss from anywhere. They really can. I walk down the street and feel people everywhere staring at me. This is such a frustrating feeling because I just moved here. I already feel lonely and don't need the added whispers saying I look different. For your information, I like my yoga pants and Nike shoes. I dont' want to dress up every freaking minute of my life. I don't want to push my stroller in 10 inch heels. I didn't even know this was possible. Oh, but it is. Not to mention I feel like a water buffalo here. Everyone is so freakishly skinny. UGH. Sorry that I don't want to smoke and drink all day everyday. I like eating. I like bread, and chips, and fries, and cake. I would rather be plump then have my heart pounding out of my chest. I know I am bitter. I am okay with it. I think God is okay with it too.

Not to mention that people in Switzerland speak Swiss-German so I am screwed no matter what. If it isn't hard enough to "blend" in here they make up their own dialect. Awesome. So I have decided I can only do what I can do. The plus is I don't have to be American, I could be German. Which is only 15 minutes from here. I would love for people to think I am Italian, actually. I have added some more bronzer in the morning so I can pretend I am.

I went and got some "Swiss" shoes yesterday because I was so sick of people looking at my shoes with their jaws dropped to the floor. I wonder what I will look like in a month. Smoking? Yellow pants? 10 inch heels? Weighing 120? HAHHAHAHA, I not likely on the last one.

Okay I am done venting for the day.

Crying cleanses the soul

I cannot take credit for these words. My cousin, Natalie told me that Uncle Greg said these words to her. They make so much sense don't they? The phrase puts me at such ease. I know God wants us to cry. He wants us to get everything out so that we actually feel our emotions. Holding everything in will soon turn disastrous for everyone. I feel that we have turned into a society where we look at crying as a weakness. This makes me so sad. What is weak about feeling sad? I think it makes a person stronger and more able to work through everything.

I have had so many tears in the past few weeks that I literally don't think I can cry anymore. I am moving today to Switzerland. I have had to say goodbye to all my family. If you know me you know how family is everything to me. I am the person I am today because of them. The past year has been so emotional because Andy and I never knew when we were moving. Every time I would come home, I would think what is it going to be like when I really move? All these feelings made for one very emotional year. That is why I am so ready to move. I have never ever felt bad about crying or getting sad though. I don't care if I walk into a store and people have seen that I have cried. I feel more powerful. I feel that I can actually show my pain and I am not embarrassed for others to see.

I always feel so much better after a good cry. Don't you? I cry, then I pray and I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. I wonder what it would be like if I never did cry? Would I be a cold person? I love that I have such a huge heart and wear my heart on my sleeve. When I see a homeless man begging for food I cry. When I see that someone has lost someone I cry. This makes me a compassionate person. This is who I am. I hold my head up high. I feel proud when I cry.

Too much time is never a good thing

I have done so much thinking in the past year that I am shocked I am not in a straight jacket yet. I haven't had a job since last June and have had to fill 8 hours a day 5 days a week up with something. Before, when I worked I thought how lovely it would be to not have a job. The house would always look immaculate. Andy would never have to worry about his laundry and I would be so skinny that people would ask where I was. Well the last part is just wishful thinking. I love food too much :) Well what ends up happening is that these things don't take up that much time. Monday by noon the apartment is clean and by the night all the laundry is done. Well that leads to just working out for the rest of the week.

I started thinking about everything all the time. When was I going to die? Is God really real? What if Andy dies in a car accident when I am pregnant? What if he loses his job? What if we move to Switzerland and I hate it? What if my family and I lose touch and stop being as close as we are? Am I fat? Do I have real friends? Am I a good enough friend, sister, daughter, wife that I need to be? Who should I donate to this week? I really should be working. If I have this much time on my hands why haven't I done more with my life. OMG!!!!!!!!! Just writing these things down makes my head spin. And don't let this fool you, there were many more thoughts that went through my head.

I started realizing how anxious I was becoming. I had so much time on my hands that I didn't know what to do.  Too much thinking creates anxiety which then creates depression. I had to put a stop to it. God put the idea in my head that having too much going on in our lives is better than not enough. I know that I am not the person that wants to look back at my life at 82 and think life went way too fast. But there is such thing as a balance. We, humans, only need about 30 minutes to an hour a day to reflect on our day, pray etc. I was doing this for 8 hours a day. Thinking so hard about every little thing I did. It is okay to look at the clock at 5 and think where has this day gone? That means you kept busy and weren't bored out of your mind. I would rather at the end of the day think to myself, ahh I didn't get to that today, then what the hell am I going to do tomorrow. I now have the mentality that too much on my plate is the way to go.

Reading the bible, workouts, working on my books, reading books, keeping up those relationships with friends, getting outside, helping others is the way I want to live. I would rather be running from one event to the next wondering how I got that coffee stain on my shirt or losing sleep because I am creating a list in my head for the next day.

I never knew I would say this but I would way rather be overwhelmed then be nothing at all.