When I hang out with Amanda I realize that I definitely have some OCD tendencies. I usually wake up in the morning needing a plan. It drives her NUTS. She lives life on the edge. She doesn't wrote lists on post it notes. She doesn't even know exactly when her kids are going to nap that day. Oh my just writing that made me anxious.
Being around her though empowers me. I love that she can just go with the flow. She gets a call at 10 am one day asking if she wants to go to the zoo, and she GOES!! I could never do that. In my head a series of alarms would be going off. When will Ame nap? Will we eat there or pack lunches? But they are still in their pajamas? Have we even checked the weather? What about the long drive down there? Ame might cry. Amanda will have thought of none of this. She accepts in a heartbeat and figures it out as the day progresses. I actually do consider myself a calm, peaceful person but when I think about what goes into planning my day there is no way that I am. God doesn't want us sitting around pondering things for hours. He wants to help us and lead us through our day. Yes, a little bit of structure is a good thing but I think it has hindered me from doing things. Even know with Amelie I think of all the steps before I go and do something. I have finally had enough. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to have a plan. I can say that the last few days have been so amazing. I have accepted every request to go and do something. I make sure I get out before Ame's nap and after. I was feeling overwhelmed with my workouts and feeling like I had to do them first thing in the morning or else. Lately as long as I do them by the afternoon then I am fine. If I am so worried about the exact events of the day then I miss out on the hidden treasures that Jesus has for us. I have figured out that as long as I make time in my day to pray, workout and have one on one time with Ame then I am a happy person. I want to feel free more. That I am not boggled down by day to day things. I want to let God lead me and not the other way around. I want to feel true peace.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Being measured by society
Unconsciously I was measuring myself by societal norms. I had no idea that what I wanted in my life was really what society seems to measure people by. I wanted to be married after college and start a family right away. (I still am so glad with this decision but sometimes I wonder if I did that for my hopes and dreams or other peoples. Now I look at the world in such a different way. Maybe it's because I am a mom, maybe not. Maybe it's because I am sick of the fakeness of FB. Maybe it's because I have truly learned what GRACE means. Oh, what a powerful thing it was to learn what that means. All my life I thought God measured us by the children and families we have. He is keeping a journal on how many kiddos we have and if we are doing a great job or not. Learning about grace rocked my world. Jesus just wants us. He wants us to come to Him with our broken hearts and surrender everything. He is asking us to follow Him. He will lead us where He wants us to go. Such a magical thing. We can get so caught up with the glitz and glamour of FB and the celebrity world of what we should be like. We need the house and the car(s) and the child, oh they need siblings, and the pet. We are defining ourselves by other people's standards. Other human beings. Scary. Only our God should show us the way. I am slowly learning how to me my own person. How to be happy without all the crap. I have looked back at my life and can honestly say I am always trying for that next thing. I looked around and wanted what other people had. Once I had Amelie I quickly thought about a sibling for her. She has to have a buddy. We can't just have one child. The norm is 2. We can't have our children 4 years apart, no one else does. What will I do for 4 years of Amelie's life without another baby to tend to? Won't it be boring? Is she enough? Is a 3 person family enough? See that's just it. For so long I would never think of my little unit as a family. 2 parents, one child. No way is that a family. It has to be larger. It is too easy with just 3 people. All these things were measuring my happiness. I wasn't 100% content. I thought I needed more. I thought I needed a bigger challenge. I felt in a state of limbo, because Amelie was and is still SO hard but what about the other moms? They had 2 right away. Aren't I supposed to do the same?
I am forever changed now. I have prayed about being content for months. Being absolutely-completely-100% content in the stage of life I am. Praying to stop measuring myself to others. Other people who are just has broken as I am. Praying to feel that if this was my life forever that I would die the happiest woman ever. That if I just have my precious little girl, and my Andrew, that I have truly lived. I can honestly say that I finally feel that I am enough. My life is enough. And I don't need to add a thing to it to make it better. I am grinning ear to ear just writing this last paragraph because at 27 I have found the key to life. Finding contentment in the exact phase of life you are in.
I am forever changed now. I have prayed about being content for months. Being absolutely-completely-100% content in the stage of life I am. Praying to stop measuring myself to others. Other people who are just has broken as I am. Praying to feel that if this was my life forever that I would die the happiest woman ever. That if I just have my precious little girl, and my Andrew, that I have truly lived. I can honestly say that I finally feel that I am enough. My life is enough. And I don't need to add a thing to it to make it better. I am grinning ear to ear just writing this last paragraph because at 27 I have found the key to life. Finding contentment in the exact phase of life you are in.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
90 year old woman on the tram
The Swiss are not the most friendly but they sure do love children. The second Ame popped out people started smiling at me. It sure wasn't pleasant when I was pregnant, so they must need proof that it is a real baby coming out. And, who couldn't resist those blue eyes and that huge grin with those 2 small teeth peering out at you...
Ame and I were on the tram the other day. Ame loves her stroller but if we are parked she must get out right then and there. If I don't get her out she squeaks and screams till I get her out. If we weren't on the tram I would make her sit in there but the Swiss would just came and take her out anyway. :/
While I am holding her she takes notice to this very old woman sitting in the seat close to her. This woman is very old, 90's is being generous. Wrinkles all over and barely any teeth. I couldn't help but get this overwhelming feeling of life and death. Ame represents life, a new beginning. The old woman represents death, moving onto a new life. They both had this instant connection. Ame loves people but this was different. She wouldn't stop staring, smiling and her curiosity was overwhelming. The old woman was touched and had a sparkle in her eyes.
I couldn't help but think how fast life can go. If I were the woman I would want to tell the young lady to enjoy all these precious moments, they go quickly. She is staring death in the face, and Ame, life. 2 opposites yet both will and have faced.
We have to smell the roses. We can't run through life. I don't want to be the old woman on the tram who wishes she would have lived in the moment and enjoyed those precious moments.
Ame and I were on the tram the other day. Ame loves her stroller but if we are parked she must get out right then and there. If I don't get her out she squeaks and screams till I get her out. If we weren't on the tram I would make her sit in there but the Swiss would just came and take her out anyway. :/
While I am holding her she takes notice to this very old woman sitting in the seat close to her. This woman is very old, 90's is being generous. Wrinkles all over and barely any teeth. I couldn't help but get this overwhelming feeling of life and death. Ame represents life, a new beginning. The old woman represents death, moving onto a new life. They both had this instant connection. Ame loves people but this was different. She wouldn't stop staring, smiling and her curiosity was overwhelming. The old woman was touched and had a sparkle in her eyes.
I couldn't help but think how fast life can go. If I were the woman I would want to tell the young lady to enjoy all these precious moments, they go quickly. She is staring death in the face, and Ame, life. 2 opposites yet both will and have faced.
We have to smell the roses. We can't run through life. I don't want to be the old woman on the tram who wishes she would have lived in the moment and enjoyed those precious moments.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Ame in America for Christmas
Ahhh. Christmas in Indiana is the best time of the year. Getting together with family and friends for weeks is the best feeling in the world. You have so many people that love you and want to be with you all the time. It was so cute to see you and Sebastian this time together because you two really started playing together. This was such a fun time to be home with you because you are such an easier baby. Your naps are still not great but the fact that you sleep through the night 7-7 is amazing. I can do anything during the day if I am sleeping that much at night!
Andy and I were able to get out a lot and leave Ame with her grandparents. This was so nice to get out just the two of us. It is so important for us to have alone time. It is also nice to know Ame is being so well taken care of. We are so blessed with such loving family that were and are willing to take her at any moment. I was able to really refresh my batteries while I was home :) It was a beautiful 5 weeks!
Some notes I wrote down about Ame J during this time
You love when we tickle your neck
You finally started taking longer naps halfway through our trip. So you were 6.5 months! This is life changing :)
You have started to play a lot by yourself now. You are content most of the time now. It allows me to have a life outside of you. :)
Everyone seriously says you are the happiest baby ever. I get compliments about you daily. Everyone is very smitten with your hilarious personality.
You sleep 7-7. WAHOO.
Nights before bedtime are not as bad as they used to be. I still have to hold you a lot and I brought out the bjorne a lot so I could wear you around while still doing stuff.
You love the exersaucer in America. It is stimulating CITY. I put you in this in the morning and I drink my coffee. It is a wonderful time :)
You don't love avocado, green beans or peas. Although we still try and feed it to you! Greens are important.
Still only 2 teeth!
You are our cuddle bug. If I let you, you would just cuddle with us on the couch for hours. I will never get sick of this. You are the sweetest.
You love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Baby einstein Lullaby.
In America you started to love the car. You were happy as a lark in the car and when you were tired you would just go to sleep.
Started sitting up by yourself at 6.5 months. This is huge as well because you are just happy because of this.
You are so chill and just go with the flow. We are BLESSED!!!!
Andy and I were able to get out a lot and leave Ame with her grandparents. This was so nice to get out just the two of us. It is so important for us to have alone time. It is also nice to know Ame is being so well taken care of. We are so blessed with such loving family that were and are willing to take her at any moment. I was able to really refresh my batteries while I was home :) It was a beautiful 5 weeks!
Some notes I wrote down about Ame J during this time
You love when we tickle your neck
You finally started taking longer naps halfway through our trip. So you were 6.5 months! This is life changing :)
You have started to play a lot by yourself now. You are content most of the time now. It allows me to have a life outside of you. :)
Everyone seriously says you are the happiest baby ever. I get compliments about you daily. Everyone is very smitten with your hilarious personality.
You sleep 7-7. WAHOO.
Nights before bedtime are not as bad as they used to be. I still have to hold you a lot and I brought out the bjorne a lot so I could wear you around while still doing stuff.
You love the exersaucer in America. It is stimulating CITY. I put you in this in the morning and I drink my coffee. It is a wonderful time :)
You don't love avocado, green beans or peas. Although we still try and feed it to you! Greens are important.
Still only 2 teeth!
You are our cuddle bug. If I let you, you would just cuddle with us on the couch for hours. I will never get sick of this. You are the sweetest.
You love Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Baby einstein Lullaby.
In America you started to love the car. You were happy as a lark in the car and when you were tired you would just go to sleep.
Started sitting up by yourself at 6.5 months. This is huge as well because you are just happy because of this.
You are so chill and just go with the flow. We are BLESSED!!!!
Ame J lately...7 months
I don't quite keep up perfectly with her months on this blog because I have her baby book and also this thing called Smashbox that I put all notes and random stuff in. Plus I keep notes on my phone of things she does and lots and lots of pictures. I have to say I am proud of myself for keeping all of these memories documented. If any of you know me you know I am the least bit creative and it takes me a long time to even think to do this stuff. I realize that with baby number 2 it is going to be SO much harder to document but that is ok. The one reason why I am so adamant about doing this for Ame is because she is traveling the world at such a young age. Obviously she won't remember any of this, sorry Ame. SO it is up to us to help her remember later in life. I have no idea how much traveling you will do in your future, SORRY.
You are now 7 months old, almost 8 on Monday. I have cried 3 times this week thinking of that. :(
You started scooting backwards a few weeks ago. Today I found you under the table.
You have an obsession with pulling things out of our Sprout bag. You could do this for hours, it is nice for me :)
You have just started this hilarious laugh that your Dad and I can never stop laughing at. It sounds like an old man. Hu Hu Hu.
You still are obsessed with baths and to get you to stay up till 7 we have to give you a bath every night at 6. You will stay in forever. You love your rubber ducky and of course your books. This is my favorite time with you because I read your books to you and we always say our prayers :)
You are obsessed with your dad. Every time you see him your arms go crazy and you get this huge smile on your face. Melt my heart.
You are starting to understand peek a boo.
I showed you a picture the other day of you with a pacifier in your mouth and so you picked the pacifier up off the floor and put it in your mouth. I was stunned.
You are trying SO many foods. Here in Switzerland they mix tons of veggies and fruits together as baby food. It is amazing because you are tasting EVERYTHING. In America they make baby food single items and they puree them to be complete liquid. It is nice here because the food is chunky so you are getting used to swallowing things.
The Winter Olympics are on now and we watch with you sometimes. You get pretty giddy especially at curling haha.
I am pretty sure you are going through a growth spurt, teething, brain development insane life change now because your naps are great and you are waking every morning anywhere from 5-6!!!!! Mommy has had to pray a lot to be at peace with this. This is a rough time to wake up when it is still so dark out.
You got the stomach flu a few weeks ago after we got back from America. It was so terrible and Mommy cried many times. Dad was very sad too. It was a very rough week. We are so glad that is over. You have gotten a fever a lot with teething too.
You do this fishy face with your lips and when you do it you are so confused to how you did it. Cutest thing EVER.
You are the most curious thing ever. Every time I take you out of your crib you look around frantically like "what am I missing." What is that? What is that?? It's awesome.
You love our glasses and always try and take them off
You have started to throw temper tantrums if we take something away from you. How does it start this early!?!?!?!? You scream LOUDLY!
You also let us know with your set of lungs if you don't like something. If we leave the room and you are sad the world is ending in your eyes.
You are still a big eater :)
You are now 7 months old, almost 8 on Monday. I have cried 3 times this week thinking of that. :(
You started scooting backwards a few weeks ago. Today I found you under the table.
You have an obsession with pulling things out of our Sprout bag. You could do this for hours, it is nice for me :)
You have just started this hilarious laugh that your Dad and I can never stop laughing at. It sounds like an old man. Hu Hu Hu.
You still are obsessed with baths and to get you to stay up till 7 we have to give you a bath every night at 6. You will stay in forever. You love your rubber ducky and of course your books. This is my favorite time with you because I read your books to you and we always say our prayers :)
You are obsessed with your dad. Every time you see him your arms go crazy and you get this huge smile on your face. Melt my heart.
You are starting to understand peek a boo.
I showed you a picture the other day of you with a pacifier in your mouth and so you picked the pacifier up off the floor and put it in your mouth. I was stunned.
You are trying SO many foods. Here in Switzerland they mix tons of veggies and fruits together as baby food. It is amazing because you are tasting EVERYTHING. In America they make baby food single items and they puree them to be complete liquid. It is nice here because the food is chunky so you are getting used to swallowing things.
The Winter Olympics are on now and we watch with you sometimes. You get pretty giddy especially at curling haha.
I am pretty sure you are going through a growth spurt, teething, brain development insane life change now because your naps are great and you are waking every morning anywhere from 5-6!!!!! Mommy has had to pray a lot to be at peace with this. This is a rough time to wake up when it is still so dark out.
You got the stomach flu a few weeks ago after we got back from America. It was so terrible and Mommy cried many times. Dad was very sad too. It was a very rough week. We are so glad that is over. You have gotten a fever a lot with teething too.
You do this fishy face with your lips and when you do it you are so confused to how you did it. Cutest thing EVER.
You are the most curious thing ever. Every time I take you out of your crib you look around frantically like "what am I missing." What is that? What is that?? It's awesome.
You love our glasses and always try and take them off
You have started to throw temper tantrums if we take something away from you. How does it start this early!?!?!?!? You scream LOUDLY!
You also let us know with your set of lungs if you don't like something. If we leave the room and you are sad the world is ending in your eyes.
You are still a big eater :)
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Babywise-Ugh
Not going to lie I thought I had it all figured out before Ame came. I read all the books and had the most structured routine any Momma could have. Her life and my life our lives, were set. Now sitting here with a 7 month old sleeping in the other room I realize how much I didn't know. I didn't know how much she would rock my world, and how clingy she would be. I thought I would be the woman at starbucks with the cute baby sleeping in the stroller. I had no idea I would be wearing her every single day for 4 months. I had no idea the sleepless nights would make me a monster. These are all things that we so wish we could plan for but we can't. We just have to trust Jesus and ask Him for strength. I wanted to do it my way. God had other plans.
I am not going to lie when I look back I get a little sad about how much I missed out on. I was so worried about getting Ame to be her own self and stop being so clingy that I missed all the beautiful snuggles. I missed all those baby kissed I could have had because I was trying to make her cry in her crib. I was so mad that I had to put her in the carrier every time I left home. Now I would die for another day of that. Ame is so independent now. She never needs that carrier. She loves riding in her stroller. She loves taking naps in her crib and sleeping 12 hours at night. I will say what I am thankful for is setting up an eating schedule. I set her up to eat every 3 hours and that really paid off. I didn't have a baby stuck to my boob every single second. I could breathe. I have had my fair share of cry out moments where I think I will never get those precious moments back. Ame will never be an infant again. God was trying to tell me this when it was happening but I wouldn't listen. So many things I will do differently with my 2nd. So many. I am not that hard on myself though because it was such a life changing event that know one can truly describe. When you are in the midst of it you never think your life will go back to normal. You never think you will sleep again, or cuddle with your husband again, or chat on the phone again, or watch a reality show again. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought Ame would sleep through the night. I never thought I would have a clean house again. Or my loving relationship with my husband. It made me weak in my knees. I will embrace breastfeeding with my 2nd and realize what a gift it is. I will also pump this time. Geeze, I made life difficult!!! God says to never look back but to start fresh now. I don't want to agonize over what I missed rather look forward to our future adventures. You are truly my joy and light Ame J. I am obsessed with you.
I am not going to lie when I look back I get a little sad about how much I missed out on. I was so worried about getting Ame to be her own self and stop being so clingy that I missed all the beautiful snuggles. I missed all those baby kissed I could have had because I was trying to make her cry in her crib. I was so mad that I had to put her in the carrier every time I left home. Now I would die for another day of that. Ame is so independent now. She never needs that carrier. She loves riding in her stroller. She loves taking naps in her crib and sleeping 12 hours at night. I will say what I am thankful for is setting up an eating schedule. I set her up to eat every 3 hours and that really paid off. I didn't have a baby stuck to my boob every single second. I could breathe. I have had my fair share of cry out moments where I think I will never get those precious moments back. Ame will never be an infant again. God was trying to tell me this when it was happening but I wouldn't listen. So many things I will do differently with my 2nd. So many. I am not that hard on myself though because it was such a life changing event that know one can truly describe. When you are in the midst of it you never think your life will go back to normal. You never think you will sleep again, or cuddle with your husband again, or chat on the phone again, or watch a reality show again. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I never thought Ame would sleep through the night. I never thought I would have a clean house again. Or my loving relationship with my husband. It made me weak in my knees. I will embrace breastfeeding with my 2nd and realize what a gift it is. I will also pump this time. Geeze, I made life difficult!!! God says to never look back but to start fresh now. I don't want to agonize over what I missed rather look forward to our future adventures. You are truly my joy and light Ame J. I am obsessed with you.
New devotional
My new devotional has taught me I have so much to learn. It is almost funny how much I thought I had figure out about life and I was thrown down to my knees. Our entire lifetime will be about learning and soul searching. This just blew me out of the water. How much more soul searching I have to do. How much closer to God I can be. How many more obstacles in my life I will go through. I haven't done anything yet. I am excited for this new journey. This new soul searching that will forever change the person I am. Bring it on God, I am ready for the challenge.
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