Ever since I got pregnant Andy and I have thought about moving. It is human nature to think another human equals needing more space. We instantly thought our place was too small. I started looking at our apartment differently. I started seeing the negative things whereas before I loved every inch of it. I always felt blessed with a roof over our head and we were in the best location EVER. Andy and I have always said we wanted a great location over anything. I want to be able to walk outside and be by people and a Starbucks in a minute.
In Europe people don't spend much time inside. I know myself. If I have a bigger place with 5 rooms I am going to become a recluse. Especially because the huge apartment would be a lot further from the city. Ugh. Scary. Would I leave as much thinking I needed to get on 2 trams before getting there?
Andy and I also have a lot of friends here that have big apartments. We started thinking we had to upgrade right away because our place was nothing like theirs. So sad. That is not what God wants. God wants us to look at our homes and love, cherish, desire it. Here he is giving us this blessing of a house and we are saying it isn't good enough. Most of our friends here are in their later 30's and 40's. Their work contracts are ENORMOUS. Their work pays for everything. That is not the case with us. We just get a cost of living adjustment.
We need to stop comparing. It isn't what life is about? If we don't stop comparing, our whole lives will turn into one big failure. We will never be the richest.
When I look at our place with the vision of not wanting to leave, I am obsessed with our place. I love the lighting. I love our balcony. I love our huge family room. I love all the windows. I love our location times a million. Can't say this enough. Love our 2 bedrooms. Love how cozy it is.
There is enough space. Within these walls is so much love. I feel the closest families are the ones that have 5 people living in a 2 bedroom. God did not create this world for us to stay inside. He created the outdoors for us to explore.
It is safe to say we are staying in our cozy 2 bedroom with our Baby G
Monday, January 28, 2013
21 weeks
I had a very important ultrasound today. It was the ultrasound that sees if all of the organs are on target. :) Everything was perfect and I couldn't help but thank God a million times.
It seems like so much has to be perfect for this being to come out of you. It was such a long ultrasound as the doctor kept saying this looks fine, and yes this looks fine. I got used to her saying it that it seemed to be the normal. It seems so weird to think that there could have been one thing wrong and our lives could be different today....
Since Andy and I are not finding out we had to turn away from the ultrasound a lot. That was TOUGH. I so badly wanted to look :( It is such a hard thing not to find out what you're having. Thinking I have 19 more weeks to wait seems like an ETERNITY. It seems to easy for Andy. He doesn't even think twice about it :( With it being as hard as it is I know it will be completely worth it when the day comes. To me it just makes the day SO much more exciting. The weeks leading up with carry so much more emotion. I was thinking to myself if I had found out today what I was having, yes there would be a couple days of bliss but then life would continue back to normal. I am having a baby and finding out the sex all at the same time. This is exciting.
Baby G is 50th percentile in weight. Hopefully it stays like this. I would love a small baby :) Baby G moves A LOT. This was very fun to see.
As of today I haven't gained any weight :) I lost some during 1st trimester so I am still a little under my starting weight. This process of being pregnant and keeping another baby alive has taught me a lot about food. I was eating a lot more food thinking my body needed all these different nutrients and calories. I haven't been able to eat a lot during pregnancy and myself AND THE BABY are just perfect. My doctor even said if I ate a banana a day I would be fine... Just shows me that the human body doesn't need that much to live. Hopefully I can remember this when I am trying to get back to my weight after the baby.
It seems like so much has to be perfect for this being to come out of you. It was such a long ultrasound as the doctor kept saying this looks fine, and yes this looks fine. I got used to her saying it that it seemed to be the normal. It seems so weird to think that there could have been one thing wrong and our lives could be different today....
Since Andy and I are not finding out we had to turn away from the ultrasound a lot. That was TOUGH. I so badly wanted to look :( It is such a hard thing not to find out what you're having. Thinking I have 19 more weeks to wait seems like an ETERNITY. It seems to easy for Andy. He doesn't even think twice about it :( With it being as hard as it is I know it will be completely worth it when the day comes. To me it just makes the day SO much more exciting. The weeks leading up with carry so much more emotion. I was thinking to myself if I had found out today what I was having, yes there would be a couple days of bliss but then life would continue back to normal. I am having a baby and finding out the sex all at the same time. This is exciting.
Baby G is 50th percentile in weight. Hopefully it stays like this. I would love a small baby :) Baby G moves A LOT. This was very fun to see.
As of today I haven't gained any weight :) I lost some during 1st trimester so I am still a little under my starting weight. This process of being pregnant and keeping another baby alive has taught me a lot about food. I was eating a lot more food thinking my body needed all these different nutrients and calories. I haven't been able to eat a lot during pregnancy and myself AND THE BABY are just perfect. My doctor even said if I ate a banana a day I would be fine... Just shows me that the human body doesn't need that much to live. Hopefully I can remember this when I am trying to get back to my weight after the baby.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Loss and heartbreak
Have you ever felt like your heart has been ripped out? It is a terrible, horrible feeling. It feels as if time has stopped. As if nothing else matters but what is lying in front of you.
I watched my Grandma die. The Grandma that made me peanut butter and honey when I was little. The Grandma that came to all my soccer games. The Grandma that played hide and seek with me, even though I always hid in the same place. The Grandma that bought me 1,000$ worth of presents every Christmas. The Grandma that took me to Tennis Tournaments every year. The Grandma that lived with me throughout my high school years. The Grandma that drove me crazy from time to time but second to my mom she made me into who I am today.
Grandma was a strong woman who fought for what she wanted. If she got a salad that looked wrong then it was sent back. If she wanted a job she fought for it. Hmm, wonder how my mom got her qualities. I grew up confident and independent because of her. She never needed a man to make her happy. She was everything she needed.
She had suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years. That is a long time. I am not going to sit here and say that I haven't mourned throughout the years her loss. It is not as if her death now is some sudden thing. We knew it would happen. But like one of the nurses said, it doesn't make it easier. We still have lost Grandma Jo. In high school she lived with us in California. I can say I was very selfish at the time. I didn't understand what she was going through. I didn't have a lot of patience for her. I would get mad if she would forget something. I would get annoyed at little stuff. Oh how I wish I could go back and change the way I talked with her. I felt more sorry for myself then I did for her. I am crying just thinking about it because I would do anything just to wrap my arms around her now. I know that I can't go back and change it and I won't beat myself up about it. I was immature and stupid. It helped me grow into the person I needed to be. Grandma knew I loved her. I know I showed her that. We had so much great time together. Time I wish I hadn't taken for granted. Again I was too young to get it.
We got the call Friday afternoon. I was in Amanda's basement playing with the kids. My mom was out of the country on a cruise. Amanda answered and started crying. I knew it was about Grandma. I felt so sad but at the same time so happy that I was in town and not in Switzerland. I knew at that very moment that God had allowed for me to be in Indy with my family. I would have been devastated if I was gone. Grandma Jo's sodium was extremely high which meant lack of fluid. She was put on Hospice.
I never would have expected to see what I saw when I got there. My grandma looked like she was in so much pain. It wasn't even her. I tried to keep telling myself that but it is so hard. All these memories start coming back and the tears don't stop. I was a mess. So much that Amanda wanted me to leave to calm myself down. I have a bruised rib from coughing and I am pregnant.
In a weird, creepy way I felt the devil present. I felt this because my Grandma looked so unnatural. So not her strong self. I have felt the devil a lot lately and I despise it. Amanda would sit over her bed and pray to Jesus to come get her. It was such a precious time. Amanda brought in music which helped us. All of us sisters danced and tried to make it not so dramatic.
Nurses would come in and tell us how much Jo meant to them. They would cry and kiss her cheeks. Probably the hardest thing to see what that. So many people were obsessed with her. They would say that they loved her so much bc she was never mean to them :) Those nurses will never know how much their stories meant. Being there allowed me to realize how important it is to visit loved ones. Yes it is so hard to face that fact that people will die but we just have to do it. It makes you feel so much better.
Having my 2 sisters there and my mom was so very special. Now with kids, life is different. We never get that time with just us. As much sadness as is present in the room, there is overflowing love. We are such a close family that love just oozes out. Even if us sisters are always making fun of each other.
Saying goodbye on Monday was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to say bye before she died to come back to Switzerland. I had to say goodbye to my mom at the same time. I kissed my Grandma on her cheek and sobbed. Then I hugged my Mother tighter than I ever have before. It is a moment I will never forget.
Grandma Jo. I know you are in Heaven and I will see you soon. I know you are dancing and telling people what to do. You are now my angel. I will pray to you everyday. I will take care of mom. I love you more than you will ever know.
I watched my Grandma die. The Grandma that made me peanut butter and honey when I was little. The Grandma that came to all my soccer games. The Grandma that played hide and seek with me, even though I always hid in the same place. The Grandma that bought me 1,000$ worth of presents every Christmas. The Grandma that took me to Tennis Tournaments every year. The Grandma that lived with me throughout my high school years. The Grandma that drove me crazy from time to time but second to my mom she made me into who I am today.
Grandma was a strong woman who fought for what she wanted. If she got a salad that looked wrong then it was sent back. If she wanted a job she fought for it. Hmm, wonder how my mom got her qualities. I grew up confident and independent because of her. She never needed a man to make her happy. She was everything she needed.
She had suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years. That is a long time. I am not going to sit here and say that I haven't mourned throughout the years her loss. It is not as if her death now is some sudden thing. We knew it would happen. But like one of the nurses said, it doesn't make it easier. We still have lost Grandma Jo. In high school she lived with us in California. I can say I was very selfish at the time. I didn't understand what she was going through. I didn't have a lot of patience for her. I would get mad if she would forget something. I would get annoyed at little stuff. Oh how I wish I could go back and change the way I talked with her. I felt more sorry for myself then I did for her. I am crying just thinking about it because I would do anything just to wrap my arms around her now. I know that I can't go back and change it and I won't beat myself up about it. I was immature and stupid. It helped me grow into the person I needed to be. Grandma knew I loved her. I know I showed her that. We had so much great time together. Time I wish I hadn't taken for granted. Again I was too young to get it.
We got the call Friday afternoon. I was in Amanda's basement playing with the kids. My mom was out of the country on a cruise. Amanda answered and started crying. I knew it was about Grandma. I felt so sad but at the same time so happy that I was in town and not in Switzerland. I knew at that very moment that God had allowed for me to be in Indy with my family. I would have been devastated if I was gone. Grandma Jo's sodium was extremely high which meant lack of fluid. She was put on Hospice.
I never would have expected to see what I saw when I got there. My grandma looked like she was in so much pain. It wasn't even her. I tried to keep telling myself that but it is so hard. All these memories start coming back and the tears don't stop. I was a mess. So much that Amanda wanted me to leave to calm myself down. I have a bruised rib from coughing and I am pregnant.
In a weird, creepy way I felt the devil present. I felt this because my Grandma looked so unnatural. So not her strong self. I have felt the devil a lot lately and I despise it. Amanda would sit over her bed and pray to Jesus to come get her. It was such a precious time. Amanda brought in music which helped us. All of us sisters danced and tried to make it not so dramatic.
Nurses would come in and tell us how much Jo meant to them. They would cry and kiss her cheeks. Probably the hardest thing to see what that. So many people were obsessed with her. They would say that they loved her so much bc she was never mean to them :) Those nurses will never know how much their stories meant. Being there allowed me to realize how important it is to visit loved ones. Yes it is so hard to face that fact that people will die but we just have to do it. It makes you feel so much better.
Having my 2 sisters there and my mom was so very special. Now with kids, life is different. We never get that time with just us. As much sadness as is present in the room, there is overflowing love. We are such a close family that love just oozes out. Even if us sisters are always making fun of each other.
Saying goodbye on Monday was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to say bye before she died to come back to Switzerland. I had to say goodbye to my mom at the same time. I kissed my Grandma on her cheek and sobbed. Then I hugged my Mother tighter than I ever have before. It is a moment I will never forget.
Grandma Jo. I know you are in Heaven and I will see you soon. I know you are dancing and telling people what to do. You are now my angel. I will pray to you everyday. I will take care of mom. I love you more than you will ever know.
Baby G 19 weeks
I am so happy. Baby G has started to move around so much. I am closer to 20 weeks now. Baby G keeps rolling around in me. Have to say it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I basically waited for 20 weeks to feel something and I finally did. It makes everything so real. It also gives me that feeling that everything is okay.
Ultrasound at 21 weeks to see if all the organs are ready. We are not finding out what we are having so this ultrasound won't be over the top exciting.
20 more weeks till we find out what we have!!!!!!! 20 more weeks till I get to hold Baby G. I am so excited.
Ultrasound at 21 weeks to see if all the organs are ready. We are not finding out what we are having so this ultrasound won't be over the top exciting.
20 more weeks till we find out what we have!!!!!!! 20 more weeks till I get to hold Baby G. I am so excited.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)