Loss and heartbreak

Have you ever felt like your heart has been ripped out? It is a terrible, horrible feeling. It feels as if time has stopped. As if nothing else matters but what is lying in front of you.

I watched my Grandma die. The Grandma that made me peanut butter and honey when I was little. The Grandma that came to all my soccer games. The Grandma that played hide and seek with me, even though I always hid in the same place. The Grandma that bought me 1,000$ worth of presents every Christmas. The Grandma that took me to Tennis Tournaments every year. The Grandma that lived with me throughout my high school years. The Grandma that drove me crazy from time to time but second to my mom she made me into who I am today.

Grandma was a strong woman who fought for what she wanted. If she got a salad that looked wrong then it was sent back. If she wanted a job she fought for it. Hmm, wonder how my mom got her qualities. I grew up confident and independent because of her. She never needed a man to make her happy. She was everything she needed.

She had suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years. That is a long time. I am not going to sit here and say that I haven't mourned throughout the years her loss. It is not as if her death now is some sudden thing. We knew it would happen. But like one of the nurses said, it doesn't make it easier. We still have lost Grandma Jo. In high school she lived with us in California. I can say I was very selfish at the time. I didn't understand what she was going through. I didn't have a lot of patience for her. I would get mad if she would forget something. I would get annoyed at little stuff. Oh how I wish I could go back and change the way I talked with her. I felt more sorry for myself then I did for her. I am crying just thinking about it because I would do anything just to wrap my arms around her now. I know that I can't go back and change it and I won't beat myself up about it. I was immature and stupid. It helped me grow into the person I needed to be. Grandma knew I loved her. I know I showed her that. We had so much great time together. Time I wish I hadn't taken for granted. Again I was too young to get it.

We got the call Friday afternoon. I was in Amanda's basement playing with the kids. My mom was out of the country on a cruise. Amanda answered and started crying. I knew it was about Grandma. I felt so sad but at the same time so happy that I was in town and not in Switzerland. I knew at that very moment that God had allowed for me to be in Indy with my family. I would have been devastated if I was gone. Grandma Jo's sodium was extremely high which meant lack of fluid. She was put on Hospice.

I never would have expected to see what I saw when I got there. My grandma looked like she was in so much pain. It wasn't even her. I tried to keep telling myself that but it is so hard. All these memories start coming back and the tears don't stop. I was a mess. So much that Amanda wanted me to leave to calm myself down. I have a bruised rib from coughing and I am pregnant.

In a weird, creepy way I felt the devil present. I felt this because my Grandma looked so unnatural. So not her strong self. I have felt the devil a lot lately and I despise it. Amanda would sit over her bed and pray to Jesus to come get her. It was such a precious time. Amanda brought in music which helped us. All of us sisters danced and tried to make it not so dramatic.

Nurses would come in and tell us how much Jo meant to them. They would cry and kiss her cheeks. Probably the hardest thing to see what that. So many people were obsessed with her. They would say that they loved her so much bc she was never mean to them :) Those nurses will never know how much their stories meant. Being there allowed me to realize how important it is to visit loved ones. Yes it is so hard to face that fact that people will die but we just have to do it. It makes you feel so much better.

Having my 2 sisters there and my mom was so very special. Now with kids, life is different. We never get that time with just us. As much sadness as is present in the room, there is overflowing love. We are such a close family that love just oozes out. Even if us sisters are always making fun of each other.

Saying goodbye on Monday was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to say bye before she died to come back to Switzerland. I had to say goodbye to my mom at the same time. I kissed my Grandma on her cheek and sobbed. Then I hugged my Mother tighter than I ever have before. It is a moment I will never forget.

Grandma Jo. I know you are in Heaven and I will see you soon. I know you are dancing and telling people what to do. You are now my angel. I will pray to you everyday. I will take care of mom. I love you more than you will ever know.