I have a little OCD

When I hang out with Amanda I realize that I definitely have some OCD tendencies. I usually wake up in the morning needing a plan. It drives her NUTS. She lives life on the edge. She doesn't wrote lists on post it notes. She doesn't even know exactly when her kids are going to nap that day. Oh my just writing that made me anxious.

Being around her though empowers me. I love that she can just go with the flow. She gets a call at 10 am one day asking if she wants to go to the zoo, and she GOES!! I could never do that. In my head a series of alarms would be going off. When will Ame nap? Will we eat there or pack lunches? But they are still in their pajamas? Have we even checked the weather? What about the long drive down there? Ame might cry. Amanda will have thought of none of this. She accepts in a heartbeat and figures it out as the day progresses. I actually do consider myself a calm, peaceful person but when I think about what goes into planning my day there is no way that I am. God doesn't want us sitting around pondering things for hours. He wants to help us and lead us through our day. Yes, a little bit of structure is a good thing but I think it has hindered me from doing things. Even know with Amelie I think of all the steps before I go and do something. I have finally had enough. I don't want to be this person. I don't want to have a plan. I can say that the last few days have been so amazing. I have accepted every request to go and do something. I make sure I get out before Ame's nap and after. I was feeling overwhelmed with my workouts and feeling like I had to do them first thing in the morning or else. Lately as long as I do them by the afternoon then I am fine. If I am so worried about the exact events of the day then I miss out on the hidden treasures that Jesus has for us. I have figured out that as long as I make time in my day to pray, workout and have one on one time with Ame then I am a happy person. I want to feel free more. That I am not boggled down by day to day things. I want to let God lead me and not the other way around. I want to feel true peace.

Being measured by society

Unconsciously I was measuring myself by societal norms. I had no idea that what I wanted in my life was really what society seems to measure people by. I wanted to be married after college and start a family right away. (I still am so glad with this decision but sometimes I wonder if I did that for my hopes and dreams or other peoples. Now I look at the world in such a different way. Maybe it's because I am a mom, maybe not. Maybe it's because I am sick of the fakeness of FB. Maybe it's because I have truly learned what GRACE means. Oh, what a powerful thing it was to learn what that means. All my life I thought God measured us by the children and families we have. He is keeping a journal on how many kiddos we have and if we are doing a great job or not. Learning about grace rocked my world. Jesus just wants us. He wants us to come to Him with our broken hearts and surrender everything. He is asking us to follow Him. He will lead us where He wants us to go. Such a magical thing. We can get so caught up with the glitz and glamour of FB and the celebrity world of what we should be like. We need the house and the car(s) and the child, oh they need siblings, and the pet. We are defining ourselves by other people's standards. Other human beings. Scary. Only our God should show us the way. I am slowly learning how to me my own person. How to be happy without all the crap. I have looked back at my life and can honestly say I am always trying for that next thing. I looked around and wanted what other people had. Once I had Amelie I quickly thought about a sibling for her. She has to have a buddy. We can't just have one child. The norm is 2. We can't have our children 4 years apart, no one else does. What will I do for 4 years of Amelie's life without another baby to tend to? Won't it be boring? Is she enough? Is a 3 person family enough? See that's just it. For so long I would never think of my little unit as a family. 2 parents, one child. No way is that a family. It has to be larger. It is too easy with just 3 people. All these things were measuring my happiness. I wasn't 100% content. I thought I needed more. I thought I needed a bigger challenge. I felt in a state of limbo, because Amelie was and is still SO hard but what about the other moms? They had 2 right away. Aren't I supposed to do the same?

I am forever changed now. I have prayed about being content for months. Being absolutely-completely-100% content in the stage of life I am. Praying to stop measuring myself to others. Other people who are just has broken as I am. Praying to feel that if this was my life forever that I would die the happiest woman ever. That if I just have my precious little girl, and my Andrew, that I have truly lived. I can honestly say that I finally feel that I am enough. My life is enough. And I don't need to add a thing to it to make it better. I am grinning ear to ear just writing this last paragraph because at 27 I have found the key to life. Finding contentment in the exact phase of life you are in.