You always want what you can't have.

Since getting back from Indiana I thought to myself I need a job. I am bored, I am not contributing anything to society. The devil started sitting on my shoulder making me feel terrible about everything that was going on in my life. I fell into his trap and for a week or so thought very low of myself. I started forgetting all the wonderful things I do for Andy, myself and our marriage. The laundry is always done. The house is usually extremely clean. There is always something delicious in the refrigerator. If Andy needs a chore done, I am on it by the next day. All of this seemed to be a distant memory. Someone offered me a full time job and I immediately jumped on the career bandwagon. Well I do feel inadequate about being a stay at home housewife, so let's start working 40 hours a week. Landed an interview and started praying about what was next. It never ceases to amaze me how much God will pull you back to reality. God quickly made me realize how much I do for my marriage and Andy. I started feeling sick to my stomach thinking that if I was working full time none of the stuff that used to be done would now be weekend stuff. By weekend I mean Saturday till about 5, because that is when everything closes for the rest of the weekend. It isn't about the 30,000 paycheck I get each year to "contribute" to our family. I, unlike a lot of people don't have to work. I should feel extremely blessed and continue to thank God everyday for such a wonderful life. There are other ways God wants to use me and it doesn't have to be in the working world. I also have an amazing husband that says all he wants is my happiness. We don't need the money is what he shouts out very early on in our conversation. I instantly start crying and fall into his arms thanking him for being such a huge supporter. He is so thankful for every single thing I do in this marriage and he will never know how much it means to me. I sit here now realizing how much I love every single thing about my life. It took a week of feeling very vulnerable to a job interview to realize that. Sometimes we need to fall in a hole to see how wonderful our life truly is.

Silence

Have you ever just sat by yourself without any other noise on around you? The first time I did this I almost felt this creepy feeling. I am so not used to silence. I almost didn't even know what to do, what to think. I almost always have either the television on or the radio. I always have labeled myself as one of those people that have to have some sort of noise on in the background. Being alone in Switzerland a lot I have had to change up my routine on a numerous occasions so I don't go insane. Recently I started once a day for at least 30 min turning everything off around me. The windows are open because we have no air conditioning so I can hear the birds chirping. I am in awe at what happens when there is nothing left to do but think my own thoughts and think of how I feel in that very moment. Think of where my life is, where it is headed. If I am actually content. What things I need to work on. I also use this time to pray. It is such an emotional time for me, it might sound dumb but it really is. I find myself crying sometimes. Just because I feel so many emotions at one time and it is my time to just let everything out. Almost like a diary but it isn't written. No distractions. Just me, and myself alone. It brings a lot of issues on the table. For me, in this very moment I don't feel like I am contributing enough to this world. I need to be volunteering and thus I am trying to find some of that here. Silence allows us to truly find ourselves. Who are we? Why are we sad? Why are we happy? I used to just hate the thought of being alone. It almost made me sick to think of sleeping alone by myself. I have found that not one person can truly make me happy but myself. If I am not truly content with being alone then how am I really defining ME? I would never want to measure my own worth by someone elses standards. I want to be me. So much of the time we throw our thoughts-saddness-confusion to the back of our minds and think we forgot about it. In a matter of time all of that darkness comes out of us in a terrible way. Silence allows for us to be our own therapist and try to work through our own issues.

Dieting

When I got back from Indiana I wanted to go on a little diet to get back on track. Andy and I are going on a beach vacation in 8 weeks so I thought it would be a great thing to get my body back. I eat very healthy and workout but the weight just does not fall off like it used too. I am in no way making an excuse but it is very frustrating. I have always had a slow metabolism but now it is very tough to lose weight. The older I get the more secure and confident I am though which is nice because I never want to obsess about weight. As long as I am healthy and working out that is all that matters. Sure I would like to lose 10 pounds but what girl wouldn't?

I never knew how much I loved the thought of food until I started this diet. I am not taking like fish and chips, I am just saying any food. Yogurt, bananas, apples always sounds amazing to me. I started Atkins last Monday. Mostly because it is a diet where you see the results the quickest. After about 2 weeks a person should lose 10 pounds. Whew, that would be nice. The problem is keeping it off after that and the 2 weeks are pretty much hell, especially in carb-beer heaven Europe. I had zero idea that it would be this hard here. America has so many options when it comes to all kinds of diets. Atkins food overloads the shelves in the grocery stores. Not here at all. People in Europe don't do diets. They portion and walk everywhere. Another very hard thing about being on a diet is when you are married and your significant other loves you the way you are it is very hard to stay motivated. I did not add the line for jealousy from people I am just being honest. My husband doesn't want me to be a skinny mini. He loves me for how I look so it makes it very tough to stay on track. I am a very confident woman too so when it comes to obsessing about being 10 pounds you have the wrong girl. I just want to feel good.

I have to say last week was one of the longest weeks of my entire life. Every second of everyday ticked by me as I longed for something other than babybel cheese or eggs. That is the other thing here meat is super expensive so it isn't like I can just stock up my fridge with all the meat I would like. I literally would see a food commercial on television and my mouth would water so much it would start to hurt. Yeah, don't tell me it has never happened to you before. Wendys? Taco Bell, late night commericials AHH? In the first 2 weeks of Atkins you are allowed no fruit. This is very hard for me to comprehend because fruit is so good for you. Not to mention I am obsessed with it. I could eat it all day everyday. Each hour seemed to be a struggle for me. This is also a result of not working. When you are on a diet and not working it is a recipe for disaster. Diet consumes everything. When I was teaching it was so easy for me to not even think about food. I also would never want to look back on my Europe experience and remember dieting. UGH. I threw in the towel this week and got fruit. Yes it will take longer to lose weight, but you know what it is so worth it. The most valuable lesson I learned from dieting and still am learning is how much we actually do put in our bodies. When we diet we consider every single calorie down to a piece of gum. It has made me very aware of those extra calories I do not need everyday. I will try to go low carb-portion control my whole life because it really isn't that hard. Instead of 2 pieces of bread, have 1. My biggest issue when I get fries is I want them all. I have to think to myself I can have 4 or 5 and then give the rest back to the waitress. This is a sensible way of living, not holding yourself from most everything good in life.