Silence

Have you ever just sat by yourself without any other noise on around you? The first time I did this I almost felt this creepy feeling. I am so not used to silence. I almost didn't even know what to do, what to think. I almost always have either the television on or the radio. I always have labeled myself as one of those people that have to have some sort of noise on in the background. Being alone in Switzerland a lot I have had to change up my routine on a numerous occasions so I don't go insane. Recently I started once a day for at least 30 min turning everything off around me. The windows are open because we have no air conditioning so I can hear the birds chirping. I am in awe at what happens when there is nothing left to do but think my own thoughts and think of how I feel in that very moment. Think of where my life is, where it is headed. If I am actually content. What things I need to work on. I also use this time to pray. It is such an emotional time for me, it might sound dumb but it really is. I find myself crying sometimes. Just because I feel so many emotions at one time and it is my time to just let everything out. Almost like a diary but it isn't written. No distractions. Just me, and myself alone. It brings a lot of issues on the table. For me, in this very moment I don't feel like I am contributing enough to this world. I need to be volunteering and thus I am trying to find some of that here. Silence allows us to truly find ourselves. Who are we? Why are we sad? Why are we happy? I used to just hate the thought of being alone. It almost made me sick to think of sleeping alone by myself. I have found that not one person can truly make me happy but myself. If I am not truly content with being alone then how am I really defining ME? I would never want to measure my own worth by someone elses standards. I want to be me. So much of the time we throw our thoughts-saddness-confusion to the back of our minds and think we forgot about it. In a matter of time all of that darkness comes out of us in a terrible way. Silence allows for us to be our own therapist and try to work through our own issues.