It all started at about week 37. My back started to give out. I knew this was going to be a problem at the end of my pregnancy because I had back problems before being pregnant. I thought I had pulled something when I was cleaning. I thought a little Tylenol would do the trick. Well it didn't seem to help and I ended up in the Emergency Room. I was having terrible back pain and it was causing pelvic pressure and what I thought was contractions. It obviously scared me with this being my first pregnancy I don't really know what is normal and what is not. I am not an ER kinda person. I absolutely HATE attention. The midwife was amazing and understood I was in a lot of pain. The Dr. made me feel quite stupid. She basically said all women have back pain at the end of pregnancy, don't come back until you have actual contractions. I was thinking to myself well I THOUGHT they were contractions, geeze. And this isn't normal back pain, I cannot even walk right now.
I ended up going home and feeling very down. Thinking that I had at least 3 more weeks of this was tough. I cannot even attempt the daily things I used to do. It did make me realize how much I do during the day though. I did a lot more then I gave myself credit for. I am not at the point where if I want to see people they have to come to my house. I can barely walk to the bathroom, that is how much pain I am in. My midwife at my latest appointment said that the baby must be on a nerve. Now it all makes sense. Nerves control the body and if the baby isn't allowing the nerve to do it's job, OUCH is the word sent to my brain.
Andy has had to pick up the slack in so many areas. He cleans, cooks, grocery shops, helps me out of the shower, etc. I am not going to lie it is tough to ask for so much help. I have never been put in a position before where I have needed daily help. It really makes me think of handicapped people. It saddens my heart for them. I doubt they want help going to the bathroom or getting out of the shower. It is a very vulnerable feeling and you feel pretty worthless. It shows me how much pride I have. I don't want to ask for help because it shows that I am a failure. That is pitiful. We will all need help throughout our lifetime and this is a time when I need a lot. Andy is entirely capable of picking up my slack for 3 weeks. As everyday is going at a snails pace now in the scheme of life 3 weeks is a dot in my life. I have tried to embrace the act of sitting around reading, watching tv, and taking naps. Some people would kill to have this free time, and I am complaining about it. 3 weeks time is more vacation then people get in an entire year! Today is the day where I just relax and stop complaining. There will be a time when I look back at this 3 weeks and wish I had it again.
It also makes me realize how I cannot take my healthy body for granted. Being able to walk seems such a simple task for so many people but for the ones that can't it is such a struggle. When I am feeling better I don't ever want to forget this rough patch. Walking is something most of us take for granted because we have always been able to do it. We are very fortunate to have 2 healthy legs that get us from point A to point B.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
38 weeks and almost there
I am not going to lie the past few weeks have been ROUGH. My back started to hurt so bad that I ended up in the Emergency Room. My heartburn is terrible, and I now take a medicine daily for that. Hormones are raging. One minute I am on top of the world, the next I am sad. I have stretch marks. Yes, gross. And guess what? They itch. Yes I said it, they itch so bad that it wakes me up in the middle of EVERY night. I have to put lotion on them and get an ice pack. I am always so tired. I feel that I could sleep at any moment but then when I try I can't. Because my back hurts, I can't really do much. I can't take walks or walk around Basel much. It is depressing. There, I said it all, and I like being honest. Throughout this pregnancy I have felt that women do NOT tell the truth when being pregnant. Yes, I get it, some have this amazing pregnancy where they gain 10 pounds, get zero stretch marks and have energy for days. This is rare. Where are all the women explaining how they really feel? Because of this lack of honesty it can make the process feel very lonely. I don't have a glow about me. This is TMI but really, women's sex drive goes UP?? Seriously? Seriously? Your sex drive goes up? I don't believe it in the slightest. I have now added 30 pounds to my already bigger boned body and my sex drive should go up? I have stretch marks all around my stomach that if I gasp at in the morning I know Andy is thinking what did I get myself into. Each night when I roll over there is a grunt noise that goes with it. I sound like a pig when it is growling for its food. Where in this equation does sex fit in? Now don't even get me started on HOW you actually have sex while 38 weeks pregnant. The images scare me.
I do get it. At the end of this 10 months of being pregnant there is a life that is born. So sweet. I do get that some women would KILL to have a baby. I understand my life will change forever the second I see this baby. That doesn't change the fact that getting to this point is hard. It is an emotional roller coaster that you ride for almost a year. Is it worth it, yes. But can we please be real about the hardships we endure while pregnant? Let's help each other out and be there for one another.
I do get it. At the end of this 10 months of being pregnant there is a life that is born. So sweet. I do get that some women would KILL to have a baby. I understand my life will change forever the second I see this baby. That doesn't change the fact that getting to this point is hard. It is an emotional roller coaster that you ride for almost a year. Is it worth it, yes. But can we please be real about the hardships we endure while pregnant? Let's help each other out and be there for one another.
Mackenzie, hire a housekeeper
I know what ALL of you are thinking. Seriously, a housekeeper? For someone who doesn't work? My thoughts exactly. Life is so different for ex pats here in Switzerland. A lot of Americans hire housekeepers even when they don't work. There is a lot of money here and it is easy to get sucked into this, I deserve this lifestyle.... Shocking, yes. I am not pointing fingers at the mother's who have children. This is a different story. If you need a housekeeper then so be it. I am talking about us wives that don't have jobs or kids.
When I think of hiring a housekeeper, I think well then what would I do? So much of my time is spent cleaning this house. I will admit I am a bit OCD. I think because I don't work and therefore don't have an outside office this becomes my haven. I am hard on myself when it comes to this house. This is MY job. Andy leaves for work everyday and I am here. Here to tend to the wifely duties. I remember reading a chapter in The Duggars book where Michelle talked about how God will reward her one day for her wifely duties. She doesn't need nor want a pat on the back from anyone down here on earth. She knows that in God's eyes she is doing exactly what she needs to do. They are God's chores. When I look at it from this perspective I almost get giddy inside. To think that God is proud of me because I am attending to my role in the family. Now if the mother works OBVIOUSLY the duties are different. This is not a blog on women shouldn't work outside the home. I am merely talking about myself. I have to admit if a person came in my house every 2 weeks and cleaned it would make for a lot of extra free time. Free time I don't want. I have been trying to hide from free time for a year now. I have tried everything to make my life busier. At the end of the day I feel such a sense of accomplishment knowing I vacuumed the bathroom floor and did the laundry. I ironed the duvet cover (and it only took me a million hours) and I feel that I am contributing to my little family. I remember reading in a Christian book that we as wives are our husbands safe haven from the outside world. Wow, now that is shocking. WE are their safe haven. That there are so many evil beings in the outside world that when our men come home we have an enormous job on our hands. We have to fill our house with love and joy. The second Andy walks through the door I can't shout at him to put the dishes away. Who knows what he has been dealing with all day. It is up for me to be a listening ear and to fill his heart up with joy. One day I can remember being really down and sad about how I felt I hadn't done anything of substance in the past year. It can be really tough on someone's self esteem when they are not working and don't have kids. You find yourself constantly trying to find out who you are. Andy came over to me and said Mackenzie you have supported me for the past year. You have been a wife for the past year. It really hit hard for me. I was so happy that he noticed that and I knew it was true. Being a good wife and supporter is not easy at all.
When I think of hiring a housekeeper, I think well then what would I do? So much of my time is spent cleaning this house. I will admit I am a bit OCD. I think because I don't work and therefore don't have an outside office this becomes my haven. I am hard on myself when it comes to this house. This is MY job. Andy leaves for work everyday and I am here. Here to tend to the wifely duties. I remember reading a chapter in The Duggars book where Michelle talked about how God will reward her one day for her wifely duties. She doesn't need nor want a pat on the back from anyone down here on earth. She knows that in God's eyes she is doing exactly what she needs to do. They are God's chores. When I look at it from this perspective I almost get giddy inside. To think that God is proud of me because I am attending to my role in the family. Now if the mother works OBVIOUSLY the duties are different. This is not a blog on women shouldn't work outside the home. I am merely talking about myself. I have to admit if a person came in my house every 2 weeks and cleaned it would make for a lot of extra free time. Free time I don't want. I have been trying to hide from free time for a year now. I have tried everything to make my life busier. At the end of the day I feel such a sense of accomplishment knowing I vacuumed the bathroom floor and did the laundry. I ironed the duvet cover (and it only took me a million hours) and I feel that I am contributing to my little family. I remember reading in a Christian book that we as wives are our husbands safe haven from the outside world. Wow, now that is shocking. WE are their safe haven. That there are so many evil beings in the outside world that when our men come home we have an enormous job on our hands. We have to fill our house with love and joy. The second Andy walks through the door I can't shout at him to put the dishes away. Who knows what he has been dealing with all day. It is up for me to be a listening ear and to fill his heart up with joy. One day I can remember being really down and sad about how I felt I hadn't done anything of substance in the past year. It can be really tough on someone's self esteem when they are not working and don't have kids. You find yourself constantly trying to find out who you are. Andy came over to me and said Mackenzie you have supported me for the past year. You have been a wife for the past year. It really hit hard for me. I was so happy that he noticed that and I knew it was true. Being a good wife and supporter is not easy at all.
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