Feeling handicapped

It all started at about week 37. My back started to give out. I knew this was going to be a problem at the end of my pregnancy because I had back problems before being pregnant. I thought I had pulled something when I was cleaning. I thought a little Tylenol would do the trick. Well it didn't seem to help and I ended up in the Emergency Room. I was having terrible back pain and it was causing pelvic pressure and what I thought was contractions. It obviously scared me with this being my first pregnancy I don't really know what is normal and what is not. I am not an ER kinda person. I absolutely HATE attention. The midwife was amazing and understood I was in a lot of pain. The Dr. made me feel quite stupid. She basically said all women have back pain at the end of pregnancy, don't come back until you have actual contractions. I was thinking to myself well I THOUGHT they were contractions, geeze. And this isn't normal back pain, I cannot even walk right now.

I ended up going home and feeling very down. Thinking that I had at least 3 more weeks of this was tough. I cannot even attempt the daily things I used to do. It did make me realize how much I do during the day though. I did a lot more then I gave myself credit for. I am not at the point where if I want to see people they have to come to my house. I can barely walk to the bathroom, that is how much pain I am in. My midwife at my latest appointment said that the baby must be on a nerve. Now it all makes sense. Nerves control the body and if the baby isn't allowing the nerve to do it's job, OUCH is the word sent to my brain.

Andy has had to pick up the slack in so many areas. He cleans, cooks, grocery shops, helps me out of the shower, etc. I am not going to lie it is tough to ask for so much help. I have never been put in a position before where I have needed daily help. It really makes me think of handicapped people. It saddens my heart for them. I doubt they want help going to the bathroom or getting out of the shower. It is a very vulnerable feeling and you feel pretty worthless. It shows me how much pride I have. I don't want to ask for help because it shows that I am a failure. That is pitiful. We will all need help throughout our lifetime and this is a time when I need a lot. Andy is entirely capable of picking up my slack for 3 weeks. As everyday is going at a snails pace now in the scheme of life 3 weeks is a dot in my life.  I have tried to embrace the act of sitting around reading, watching tv, and taking naps. Some people would kill to have this free time, and I am complaining about it. 3 weeks time is more vacation then people get in an entire year! Today is the day where I just relax and stop complaining. There will be a time when I look back at this 3 weeks and wish I had it again.

It also makes me realize how I cannot take my healthy body for granted. Being able to walk seems such a simple task for so many people but for the ones that can't it is such a struggle. When I am feeling better I don't ever want to forget this rough patch. Walking is something most of us take for granted because we have always been able to do it. We are very fortunate to have 2 healthy legs that get us from point A to point B.