We were given the option to have an induction for Baby G. When I heard these words I leapt for joy. The Swiss do not induce unless it is 10 days past the due date. The doctors were considering it for me because the baby was sitting on a nerve and I broke out with a beautiful rash all over my body. The remarks from the Doctors were always, well we would rather not induce but it is up to you. Oh, geeze, thanks, make me feel so good about wanting to be induced. You are left feeling utterly helpless because the best possible place for the baby is in my womb. We had an appointment on Friday, where we were told we would talk to the Dr about a possible induction. We get there, and I only was on the schedule to see a midwife. I am not going to lie, I cried when I was told the Dr would not see me. Once the tears came, they couldn't be turned off. Sorta like the scene in Alice in Wonderland where the tears are huge and keep falling only to scare everyone. Andy kept trying to console me, obviously making it worse. At the time I just wanted to lean into his chest and weep. This was not the time nor place. The midwives would have thought there was no heartbeat in the baby or something. I had to control myself. We were left to wait till Monday. Another weekend in Basel looking like a water buffalo, yipee my excitement could be heard by everyone. On the other hand I was happy that I had 2 days to pray and think about what my decision would be.
Friday is a bit of a blur seeing as I was just over life at that point. If I stared at the Britax Stroller one more time with nothing in it I was going to barf. Once I got over the disappointment I spent a lot of time praying. I just kept praying for clarity, peace, calmness and wisdom. Over and over I would just shoot up a "flare prayer" as Michelle Duggar calls it, a quick prayer up to Heaven. I also had a lot of people around me praying and boy did I ever feel those prayers. I felt a sense of comfort during these couple days. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that will take the time to pray for me. Hearing those few simple words of "praying for you" makes my heart happy. Well, and as we know, they are not simple words. They are words that define how our lives will be. On His path or our own. Lord knows I NEED His help.
Monday at 1:50 was our appointment. Woke up still not feeling confident as to what my decision was. Andy kept saying it was up to me, and I hated that pressure. I almost wanted him to just decide for us. All morning I prayed for guidance. In the back of my mind though I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be induced. I was already 2 days after my due date. Why not? We are tested by God and i felt as if He was saying, you are doing all of this praying, now you need to listen to it. I knew that God was putting it on my Heart NOT to induce. I had this overwhelming feeling that if I would have chosen induction I wouldn't have felt right about it. I felt it was a selfish decision and not honoring God. Most all babies come out when the time is right, when that time was is another question. As good as I felt about telling the Doctors no to induction, I still felt defeated. Half my heart was saying bring the baby out, and the other half had God's hand on it saying no. When reading the passage in James about being tested by God, God says he WILL test us but he will also get us through the test. We have to rely on Him. As much as I wanted to hold the baby in my arms I knew it just wasn't the right time. So, I sit here on Wednesday, still pregnant, waiting for the baby to come on it's own.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
40 weeks and 4 days
O.M.G. 40 weeks and 4 days. I can't quite explain how I feel right now. Andy asks me a lot of times, what are you doing over there? I say I am thinking. I am trying to figure out how I am even feeling at this point. Mad, sad, frustrated, overjoyed, lonely. I am a mixed bag of emotions that if left to saturate, a bomb could likely explode. Feeling raw emotion leads me to exactly how I am feeling. I think we all owe it to ourselves to do this. Feeling is living.
I often catch myself staring out the window right now just thinking how could this be? How could I be 4 days past my due date? Doesn't the baby want to come out? I have been pregnant now for 10 months and 4 days, when will it end? You do start to question weather you will be pregnant forever, no seriously, you do. Basically the past year has been spent pregnant. I don't remember what it is like to down a glass of prosecco or take a really long walk down by the Rhine. Life has stopped a bit. I feel that life is on hold, almost like a half pause on the television. (I made it up, you get my point) I can do some things but for the most part I am at a stand still. Andy has been working from home and were just waiting for the cliche, "My water broke, honey," It's time." I, unlike some people have felt a lot of labor symptoms thus far. A ton of cramps, pressure and back pain. When it is the first pregnancy one thinks every time a cramp comes on, heaven forbid the hospital bag not be ready.
I was reading a blog where the author wrote that she was much more in tune with Jesus when she was going through her 3 year adoption for her daughter in Haiti. She relied solely on Him to get her through all those tough moments. 3 years of waiting. I cannot imagine. I am someone who doesn't want to discredit my situation by saying, well if she waited 3 years I can wait 6 more days. No. This is my situation and this is my obstacle, I can be sad, mad and feel lonely, although her story does put life into perspective a bit more. The author quickly went on to say that once her daughter came home from Haiti she stopped relying so much on Jesus. I definitely had an aha moment. I know this is true for myself. I can see it now. Baby G comes home and I feel that I crossed the finish line. I can now take it from here, no more help needed. When we are in our times of stress and worry is when we reach out to Him. When we have everything we need the telephone stops ringing. There is a slight disconnection and it is because we think our human selves can carry our lives the rest of the way. I have to remember to rely on Him for everything. Life doesn't get easier when the baby arrives at our house. The challenges have just begun. So much of being a good Mum will rely on weather or not I am letting Him guide my path.
I woke up today, Wednesday, feeling defeated. Feeling like I don't know if I can do another Wednesday-Tuesday pregnant. I cannot clean another article of the baby's clothing or stare once more at the sonogram. I want the real thing. I want to kiss those cheeks and stare at God's beautiful creation. I told Andy I just wanted to sleep until the baby comes. Well, it is true and I won't deny it. I am over being pregnant.
Time to call on Jesus.
I often catch myself staring out the window right now just thinking how could this be? How could I be 4 days past my due date? Doesn't the baby want to come out? I have been pregnant now for 10 months and 4 days, when will it end? You do start to question weather you will be pregnant forever, no seriously, you do. Basically the past year has been spent pregnant. I don't remember what it is like to down a glass of prosecco or take a really long walk down by the Rhine. Life has stopped a bit. I feel that life is on hold, almost like a half pause on the television. (I made it up, you get my point) I can do some things but for the most part I am at a stand still. Andy has been working from home and were just waiting for the cliche, "My water broke, honey," It's time." I, unlike some people have felt a lot of labor symptoms thus far. A ton of cramps, pressure and back pain. When it is the first pregnancy one thinks every time a cramp comes on, heaven forbid the hospital bag not be ready.
I was reading a blog where the author wrote that she was much more in tune with Jesus when she was going through her 3 year adoption for her daughter in Haiti. She relied solely on Him to get her through all those tough moments. 3 years of waiting. I cannot imagine. I am someone who doesn't want to discredit my situation by saying, well if she waited 3 years I can wait 6 more days. No. This is my situation and this is my obstacle, I can be sad, mad and feel lonely, although her story does put life into perspective a bit more. The author quickly went on to say that once her daughter came home from Haiti she stopped relying so much on Jesus. I definitely had an aha moment. I know this is true for myself. I can see it now. Baby G comes home and I feel that I crossed the finish line. I can now take it from here, no more help needed. When we are in our times of stress and worry is when we reach out to Him. When we have everything we need the telephone stops ringing. There is a slight disconnection and it is because we think our human selves can carry our lives the rest of the way. I have to remember to rely on Him for everything. Life doesn't get easier when the baby arrives at our house. The challenges have just begun. So much of being a good Mum will rely on weather or not I am letting Him guide my path.
I woke up today, Wednesday, feeling defeated. Feeling like I don't know if I can do another Wednesday-Tuesday pregnant. I cannot clean another article of the baby's clothing or stare once more at the sonogram. I want the real thing. I want to kiss those cheeks and stare at God's beautiful creation. I told Andy I just wanted to sleep until the baby comes. Well, it is true and I won't deny it. I am over being pregnant.
Time to call on Jesus.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
2 years of marriage
I don't quite know what I want to get out of writing this blog. Normally ideas of blogs come to mind and then quickly so do the words to fill up the page. This seems forced. A blog to write because, well, we have made it through 2 years of marriage. I do want to look back at this special time and remember where we were in our lives. I want one day for my children to look back at my writings and picture what life was like. I don't feel the need to write this blog trying to show others how in love Andy and I are. It is more of a memory for me. I know through the next years of marriage we will hit those rough patches that ALL people talk about. We, fortunately, have yet to see the hard times.
I honestly can say that we could have reached those hard times. There were days when it was up to us to wake up in a bad mood or decide to create our own paradise. I was uprooted from everything I ever was comfortable with and moved to a foreign country. I left my passion of teaching to come to Switzerland where my daily chore was to make sure the refrigerator had food in it. Each day I had to find my new "routine," my new life. I didn't have my sisters to lean on, or my mother to call. It was Andy and I. Oh, and obviously the Lord. Our Savior is who has kept this marriage great. Without him none of this happiness would exist. I hope by now all of you who know me just assume I thank Him for everything. He is the center of our lives.
I chose to not resent Andy for the move. He didn't move me here kicking and screaming. I did a lot of praying and knew this was the right option for us. If I would have said no, he wouldn't have come. Therefore, how could I blame him for our situation? So many women here say they were mad at their husbands for the entire first year they were here. I cannot imagine that. A whole year of tension. I have a day of tension with Andy and I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I can't stand if he is mad at me, it literally eats away at me and is all I can think about.
I can honestly say I still get butterflies with my husband. The love that he has for me beams off of him daily. Andy's heart is full of love and joy. At least that is what I see. He is my protector, my soft place to fall. He is my best friend. When he walks through the door, most days, I am a giddy school girl. Every night when 10 p.m. rolls through I get excited because this is our time to lay in bed together. We normally watch a show as I drift off to sleep. I so comfortably can fall asleep when Andy is near. Take him away from the left side of the bed and insomnia occurs because I no longer feel that safe feeling. When Andy says everything is going to be okay, I know it is going to be okay. He has this calmness about him that makes me feel entirely at peace.
We are in an amazing place in our lives. I am 39.5 weeks pregnant. We are expecting our new family member any day now. Our lives will forever be changed. Andy said to me awhile back that he was nervous about the baby and how that would change our relationship. Oh how sad this made me. I obviously think about it too but nothing can change our love. Andy and I have to put each other first. That is what a biblical marriage is all about. If Andy and I are out of tune then the children suffer as well. We live in one of the most expensive countries in the world and we are able to live very comfortably. We have gained so many friends here. Friends that share a unique bond that will forever be there. Friends have to be family here. We cling to each other because our familiarity is America. I cling to Andy because he is my safe place. When I am with him there is honestly no other place I would rather be. When I am next to him I know everything will be alright.
Here's to another 70 years.
I honestly can say that we could have reached those hard times. There were days when it was up to us to wake up in a bad mood or decide to create our own paradise. I was uprooted from everything I ever was comfortable with and moved to a foreign country. I left my passion of teaching to come to Switzerland where my daily chore was to make sure the refrigerator had food in it. Each day I had to find my new "routine," my new life. I didn't have my sisters to lean on, or my mother to call. It was Andy and I. Oh, and obviously the Lord. Our Savior is who has kept this marriage great. Without him none of this happiness would exist. I hope by now all of you who know me just assume I thank Him for everything. He is the center of our lives.
I chose to not resent Andy for the move. He didn't move me here kicking and screaming. I did a lot of praying and knew this was the right option for us. If I would have said no, he wouldn't have come. Therefore, how could I blame him for our situation? So many women here say they were mad at their husbands for the entire first year they were here. I cannot imagine that. A whole year of tension. I have a day of tension with Andy and I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I can't stand if he is mad at me, it literally eats away at me and is all I can think about.
I can honestly say I still get butterflies with my husband. The love that he has for me beams off of him daily. Andy's heart is full of love and joy. At least that is what I see. He is my protector, my soft place to fall. He is my best friend. When he walks through the door, most days, I am a giddy school girl. Every night when 10 p.m. rolls through I get excited because this is our time to lay in bed together. We normally watch a show as I drift off to sleep. I so comfortably can fall asleep when Andy is near. Take him away from the left side of the bed and insomnia occurs because I no longer feel that safe feeling. When Andy says everything is going to be okay, I know it is going to be okay. He has this calmness about him that makes me feel entirely at peace.
We are in an amazing place in our lives. I am 39.5 weeks pregnant. We are expecting our new family member any day now. Our lives will forever be changed. Andy said to me awhile back that he was nervous about the baby and how that would change our relationship. Oh how sad this made me. I obviously think about it too but nothing can change our love. Andy and I have to put each other first. That is what a biblical marriage is all about. If Andy and I are out of tune then the children suffer as well. We live in one of the most expensive countries in the world and we are able to live very comfortably. We have gained so many friends here. Friends that share a unique bond that will forever be there. Friends have to be family here. We cling to each other because our familiarity is America. I cling to Andy because he is my safe place. When I am with him there is honestly no other place I would rather be. When I am next to him I know everything will be alright.
Here's to another 70 years.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
James.
Being 39 weeks pregnant and miserable it is easy to become frustrated and mad with absolutely everything around me. Lately it has been hard to wake up in a fantastic mood. I hurt all over, and I can barely do anything all day everyday. It is just a waiting game at this point. Waiting for Baby G to make his/her grand entrance.
This morning I had a heavy heart to open the Bible and read about patience. I always do love when I feel the need to do this. I try and do this everyday but lately I have slacked. I turned to the back of my Bible and looked up verses on patience. I was quickly drawn to James. Now I am ashamed to say it but I really don't know much about James. I have never been the person in Bible Study to be able to name everyone and say what they have done. I have a lot of homework to do. Although all God wants for us is our thirst for His word. He is not worried that I have yet to know something. As long as I am striving to get closer to Him, that is good enough.
James basically writes a How-To section on being a good Christian. He states that is faith without good deeds means nothing. It is our faith and our actions that show we are true followers. James gives us insight on how to live a faithful life and lean on God. I was first draw to James 1:2-5. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way consider it an opportunity for great joy. FOr you know that when you faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God and he will give it to you." Also to James 1:12-14. "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation." And remember when you are being tempted DO NOT SAY God is tempting me. God has never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from OUR OWN desires which entice us and drag us away." I have an application Bible so there are more explanations for this that help with our understanding. Temptation comes from our evil desires inside us NOT from God. God allows Satan to tempt people, however in order to refine their faith and to help them grow in their dependence on Christ.
I know. This is a lot to take in. I could read this paragraph over and over and still not understand the magnitude of it. It makes my heart happy. To know that when I am tempted I HAVE to lean on Christ. The devil is sitting there laughing at me when I am tempted and I have to call out to my Lord. With my lack of patience lately I have been tempted to turn away from God. To be mad that He is letting me feel this pain and not yet delivering my baby. When in reality I need to be calling on Him to help me through this challenging time. That only He can save me from my inner selfishness. I don't know when the best time for my baby to come out is. Only He knows. I am blaming him, when He is doing what is best for me. When I lean on my own understanding and Earthly desires it can only end up to be detrimental for everyone involved. When I seek Him and ask for His wisdom and understanding only good comes from it.
This morning I had a heavy heart to open the Bible and read about patience. I always do love when I feel the need to do this. I try and do this everyday but lately I have slacked. I turned to the back of my Bible and looked up verses on patience. I was quickly drawn to James. Now I am ashamed to say it but I really don't know much about James. I have never been the person in Bible Study to be able to name everyone and say what they have done. I have a lot of homework to do. Although all God wants for us is our thirst for His word. He is not worried that I have yet to know something. As long as I am striving to get closer to Him, that is good enough.
James basically writes a How-To section on being a good Christian. He states that is faith without good deeds means nothing. It is our faith and our actions that show we are true followers. James gives us insight on how to live a faithful life and lean on God. I was first draw to James 1:2-5. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way consider it an opportunity for great joy. FOr you know that when you faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God and he will give it to you." Also to James 1:12-14. "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation." And remember when you are being tempted DO NOT SAY God is tempting me. God has never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from OUR OWN desires which entice us and drag us away." I have an application Bible so there are more explanations for this that help with our understanding. Temptation comes from our evil desires inside us NOT from God. God allows Satan to tempt people, however in order to refine their faith and to help them grow in their dependence on Christ.
I know. This is a lot to take in. I could read this paragraph over and over and still not understand the magnitude of it. It makes my heart happy. To know that when I am tempted I HAVE to lean on Christ. The devil is sitting there laughing at me when I am tempted and I have to call out to my Lord. With my lack of patience lately I have been tempted to turn away from God. To be mad that He is letting me feel this pain and not yet delivering my baby. When in reality I need to be calling on Him to help me through this challenging time. That only He can save me from my inner selfishness. I don't know when the best time for my baby to come out is. Only He knows. I am blaming him, when He is doing what is best for me. When I lean on my own understanding and Earthly desires it can only end up to be detrimental for everyone involved. When I seek Him and ask for His wisdom and understanding only good comes from it.
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