40 weeks and 4 days

O.M.G. 40 weeks and 4 days. I can't quite explain how I feel right now. Andy asks me a lot of times, what are you doing over there? I say I am thinking. I am trying to figure out how I am even feeling at this point. Mad, sad, frustrated, overjoyed, lonely. I am a mixed bag of emotions that if left to saturate, a bomb could likely explode. Feeling raw emotion leads me to exactly how I am feeling. I think we all owe it to ourselves to do this. Feeling is living.

 I often catch myself staring out the window right now just thinking how could this be? How could I be 4 days past my due date? Doesn't the baby want to come out? I have been pregnant now for 10 months and 4 days, when will it end? You do start to question weather you will be pregnant forever, no seriously, you do. Basically the past year has been spent pregnant. I don't remember what it is like to down a glass of prosecco or take a really long walk down by the Rhine. Life has stopped a bit. I feel that life is on hold, almost like a half pause on the television. (I made it up, you get my point) I can do some things but for the most part I am at a stand still. Andy has been working from home and were just waiting for the cliche, "My water broke, honey," It's time." I, unlike some people have felt a lot of labor symptoms thus far. A ton of cramps, pressure and back pain. When it is the first pregnancy one thinks every time a cramp comes on, heaven forbid the hospital bag not be ready.

I was reading a blog where the author wrote that she was much more in tune with Jesus when she was going through her 3 year adoption for her daughter in Haiti. She relied solely on Him to get her through all those tough moments. 3 years of waiting. I cannot imagine. I am someone who doesn't want to discredit my situation by saying, well if she waited 3 years I can wait 6 more days. No. This is my situation and this is my obstacle, I can be sad, mad and feel lonely, although her story does put life into perspective a bit more. The author quickly went on to say that once her daughter came home from Haiti she stopped relying so much on Jesus. I definitely had an aha moment. I know this is true for myself. I can see it now. Baby G comes home and I feel that I crossed the finish line. I can now take it from here, no more help needed. When we are in our times of stress and worry is when we reach out to Him. When we have everything we need the telephone stops ringing. There is a slight disconnection and it is because we think our human selves can carry our lives the rest of the way. I have to remember to rely on Him for everything. Life doesn't get easier when the baby arrives at our house. The challenges have just begun. So much of being a good Mum will rely on weather or not I am letting Him guide my path.

I woke up today, Wednesday, feeling defeated. Feeling like I don't know if I can do another Wednesday-Tuesday pregnant. I cannot clean another article of the baby's clothing or stare once more at the sonogram. I want the real thing. I want to kiss those cheeks and stare at God's beautiful creation. I told Andy I just wanted to sleep until the baby comes. Well, it is true and I won't deny it. I am over being pregnant.

Time to call on Jesus.