We all have to struggle for God

Moving to a foreign country is anything but easy. A whole new group of friends, 6 hour time difference from the U.S, no sissies at your doorstep, a new language, new culture, no job and endless time on your hands......

There are a group of Expat women here. I came into the group a whole year after all of them have known each other. I did not know this at first and I wish I did. I was 100% the outcast. I felt like an alien. In my entire life I have never felt this awkward time and time again when hanging with these women. I thought of myself as an outgoing, somewhat funny person that could easily keep the conversation going. With these women it was so different. I instantly thought what is wrong with me? Am I weird? Am I shy? Am I hard to talk too? I am facebook friends with these women. Every time they put a status up every SINGLE one of them comments and likes it. I have never once gotten a single thing from them. Mostly I think because I put Bible verses on there. The world view now thinks that if someone is writing verses and talking about their faith they want attention. They want everyone to "think" they re this perfect Christian and life is perfect. If I would put a status of Monday's suck and traffic is so terrible I know I would get 15 thumbs up. Pathetic.

 I have always had my security blanket around me. I have never really had to try with people, it just naturally happens. Coming from a huge family I never really had to make friends because of all my family around me 24/7. Oh boy, did I take this for granted. It wasn't until college that I realized not everyone had the amazing family I did. Not everyone wanted to come home from college every weekend in fear of missing out on something amazing. Holidays are unexplainable. The joy I feel when just thinking about holidays is over the top.

I have never ever felt so different than I have here. I go to events and cringe inside because no conversation seems easy. Everything is so forced. Faces are red, there are long silent pauses, things I thought only existed in comedic movies.

From the very beginning I made it clear that I was a Christian. I said I went to church and I regularly attended Bible Study. I know for a fact this played into their doubt about me. They sometimes would look at me with this disdain look and thought that I thought I was better than everyone else. If they ONLY knew ME, they would know this is so far from the truth. Well what church do you go to? An International church, really? Are you Catholic? Where even is your church? Do they judge you there because that is why I don't do church.   Yes it is so much easier sitting there and pretending to not be religious. Everyone else does it so well. I guarantee if I would have been indifferent about God then I would have been accepted right away. So many people these days think if you proclaim your faith then you are one of those crazy religious people that judges everyone. The new world ideas are you should be a Christian but don't walk around acting like one because the other people that aren't will feel so different. There have been many occasions where some of the women have said comments about being Christian but in a very passive aggressive way. I mean Heaven forbid anyone think you really have a relationship with Jesus.

What has happened to us. It is so sad. You can open up the Bible and read it for 5 minutes and understand that is not what God and Jesus want from us. But I am the weird one. I am the outcast because I am praising HIS name.

There have been days of immense sadness and pain that I am not accepted into this "cool" group of women. Feeling like I am back in high school and have to prove that I will sleep with that popular guy just to fit in. (Just an analogy people). A feeling that maybe I thought I knew who I was at one point in my life but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I am boring, shy, awkward, and too religious. They are questions that came to mind frequently.

I am in no way trying to compare my struggles with people of the Bible or people that get persecuted for their beliefs even today. I am just trying to share how lonely it can feel to be a believer of God. God does say people that follow Him will feel so alone at times. So judged for their beliefs. I can say I feel 1 ounce of what the men who followed Jesus felt. Questioning everything around you because no one else is like you.

I would be lying if I said it only brought me closer to God. I had days where I was so angry. Angry at Him for making it hard on me. Why can't I just be like everyone else. I already am away from family and making friends is hard too. It makes one question life. Why are we here if our goal is to just be in Heaven with our creator. It can be rough.

Would I change anything? Absolutely not. These hard months of rejection mean nothing when it comes to eternity in Heaven. I will continue to suffer everyday here so I can see what is waiting for me in His Kingdom. Has my relationship gotten stronger with my Creator? 100 times stronger. Yes there are days of hardship but I see the light.

Emotions Stable

At 11 weeks I am finally starting to get my emotions and depression stable. Although I have not been that sick this pregnancy, my emotions have been EVERYWHERE. It is really hard being in Switzerland and feeling depressed. I have never been depressed in my life so I didn't really know what to think. I had a mental block with God and I hated that the most. I just wasn't happy. I wasn't excited for the baby and I wasn't even excited to look at baby stuff. I did research and realized that this is normal so I never freaked out. I knew it would go away but it was a long few weeks that I felt like this. I wanted to document it so for my next pregnancy I will be aware of it.

I am starting to wake up happy again and want to do the normal things I used to do. These past few weeks I haven't wanted to do anything and that is not like me. Even when we are doing something fun I am not excited to do it. It is so reliving that it is gone now. It is a terrible feeling and I don't wish it on my WORST enemy. It made me look at depression differently too. There is NO way that you can just shake it. You have to take something to help you think correctly. I have so much more compassion for people that have this. It is rough and you feel alone. I felt ashamed to tell some people because I am always the happy positive one :(  Honesty is the best policy though.

I am starting to get SO excited for this baby. 2 more weeks and we have the ultrasound. We have bought some baby clothes so that is very exciting :)

Cheddar Cheese

Can you believe Basel doesn't have CHEDDAR CHEESE???? Well they don't. Along with a lot of other things. Now don't get me wrong I do like having a small grocery store with not a lot of options. It is not intimidating whatsoever and I usually end up getting the same things.

Although Americans take for granted how many options they have for FOOD. There are so many recipes here that you cannot make because Basel doesn't have it. I find my mouth watering weekly thinking of the deliciousness I could have in America but not here.

When you don't have the items here you realize how much you used them in the states. Cheddar cheese for example I must have used everyday because here I am crying everyday that I don't have it.

Heading to my grocery now to get the same items I get every week :)

10 weeks

So ever since I hit 10 weeks I have been feeling AMAZING. I feel like I shouldn't gloat because it might come back :) I will be 11 weeks in 2 days. At 13 weeks I am doing an ultrasound and my mom gets to come!!!! She comes in for a trip and I am so happy that she can come to such a big appointment. I feel like once I get through that appointment I will feel great about everything. I found out the most important things at this appointment.

I have lost weight because I can't eat much. I get full very fast and don't eat much during the day. I am okay with this because I am not gaining much weight. I would love to only gain 20-30 pounds. I will admit though that I want a baby bump and Andy wants me to have one too. We think it will make it feel more real. Right now because I don't look pregnant I don't really feel pregnant.

I am excited for the up coming weeks and how my body will change. Crazy to think when I see my family I will be 4 months and when I leave I will be 5. That means I need to get busy buying stuff when I get home!

Saddness and Henry

So there is a cat around our building that is literally the sweetest cat I have ever known. His owners have a wooden plank that they put from their balcony to the ground. It is genius. I have named him Henry. It was just a name that popped in my head. Andy gets home from work and says, "Henry is outside." I immediately open the window and start yelling for him. He actually turns his head to Henry now :) I have never really been a cat person so loving Henry is quite odd. I am way more of a dog person. For some reason when I see Henry he puts an instant smile on my face :)

Well today, Andy left for Barcelona for a WEEK. A week is a long time when you don't have a job. Plus it's just a long time for my best friend to be gone. A year ago we were so independent and would leave for 3 weeks at a time. Now I am so used to him being home that it is lonely when he is away.

This Monday morning I woke up sad and just said a quick prayer for God to push me out of it. I was meeting up with the girls for coffee at 9:30 so I got ready for that. Left for coffee and who was there to greet me, none else then Henry himself. I was elated. He came up purring and wanting me to pet him. How silly that a cat could make my day. But he did, and I am still smiling.

I guess it's the little things :)

Happy Monday.

Let there be light

I have been praying lately about getting out of the rut I am in. Pregnancy hormones and are REAL and they do make you a little crazy. It is not an excuse to be mean to people but you cannot really help it. All I can do is apologize to people and move on. I have felt a huge difference in myself thanks to God :)

Been having great days with some lovely women here. Makes the days go by faster and I love their company.

Finally getting overly excited about being pregnant. FINALLY. I will just be glad to get over the 12 week ultrasound to see if everything is good.

Started reading Babywise today. Love their methods. I know it is controversial but this is what I intend to do :)

Had to then pray for patience from God to allow me to not want this baby out now. There is a reason one is pregnant for 9 months. We need time to mentally, physically and emotionally prepare for a human being. Andy said what if women were only pregnant for 3 weeks, might deter women from ever having kids, right? HAHA. Jessie, my cousin said that once too. God is good for giving us almost a year to get ready for everything. We really do need it.

I am at week 10. I have started to feel A LOT better. I do not want to get my hopes us so I am staying a little quiet. If this is it then WHOA I escaped. I did have a terrible migraine yesterday that never went away.

It is Friday. YAY. I get a whole weekend with Andrew. He leaves for Barcelona next week so I am sad about that. 

Honesty

Recently I read a wonderful blog that was very raw and pulled at my heart strings. The honesty from the writer was what made it so real. I don't believe one can just be honest. I think honesty has to come from within. I think one has to search themselves to see how they are really feeling. Honesty is hard because at least for me it usually ends up in a new discovery of myself. Sometimes I don't want to be honest with myself or God because I know what the outcome might be. Change.

A few conversations have stuck out to me in the past few months relating to honesty. One was with a friend Rachel that lives here in Basel. She said it is hard to get to know people here because they are not honest. When asked how they are doing, most give the normal answer, good and you. Rachel says that is CRAP. They are not GOOD. They are sad, lonely, depressed, wondering why they had to move so far away from their secure world. Rachel said the thing that sucks is you can't get close and real with people when they aren't telling you how they feel. She says if people would just actually come out and say, you know what, today SUCKED big time, we would actually be getting somewhere. Honesty is powerful. How can we truly get close to someone if their answer is always, good? It's when we pour our hearts out that we cross that bridge with a person. It is when we are honest.

A recent blog is what caused me to write this blog. The words left me speechless and actually jealous that I didn't come up with something like that first. It left me feeling so much closer to the writer. This particular person has dealt with a lot of grief in her lifetime. A loss of a brother and son is a person's nightmare and for this person it is real life. She discussed being frustrated with God on some days because of her pain. She wrote that there are days where she feels very distant from God because she doesn't even know the words to say to him. Even writing this brings up pain in myself. I felt so close to her at that moment because I too have felt that way. Instead of being honest with myself and putting those feelings at the forefront I locked them away and threw away the key. By her saying this and actually feeling it, she is moving closer to finding the answers she needs. I will wake up frustrated and mad but not work through why. Or better yet I get so mad at myself for feeling this. I don't allow myself to feel pain and sadness because I know people have it worse. The unfortunate part is that I am only hurting myself because the truth is no where to be found.

Honesty leads to maturity, growth, confidence, self awareness etc. Instead of giving people the robotic answer of I am good. Think about it. Are you really good?