Moving to a foreign country is anything but easy. A whole new group of friends, 6 hour time difference from the U.S, no sissies at your doorstep, a new language, new culture, no job and endless time on your hands......
There are a group of Expat women here. I came into the group a whole year after all of them have known each other. I did not know this at first and I wish I did. I was 100% the outcast. I felt like an alien. In my entire life I have never felt this awkward time and time again when hanging with these women. I thought of myself as an outgoing, somewhat funny person that could easily keep the conversation going. With these women it was so different. I instantly thought what is wrong with me? Am I weird? Am I shy? Am I hard to talk too? I am facebook friends with these women. Every time they put a status up every SINGLE one of them comments and likes it. I have never once gotten a single thing from them. Mostly I think because I put Bible verses on there. The world view now thinks that if someone is writing verses and talking about their faith they want attention. They want everyone to "think" they re this perfect Christian and life is perfect. If I would put a status of Monday's suck and traffic is so terrible I know I would get 15 thumbs up. Pathetic.
I have always had my security blanket around me. I have never really had to try with people, it just naturally happens. Coming from a huge family I never really had to make friends because of all my family around me 24/7. Oh boy, did I take this for granted. It wasn't until college that I realized not everyone had the amazing family I did. Not everyone wanted to come home from college every weekend in fear of missing out on something amazing. Holidays are unexplainable. The joy I feel when just thinking about holidays is over the top.
I have never ever felt so different than I have here. I go to events and cringe inside because no conversation seems easy. Everything is so forced. Faces are red, there are long silent pauses, things I thought only existed in comedic movies.
From the very beginning I made it clear that I was a Christian. I said I went to church and I regularly attended Bible Study. I know for a fact this played into their doubt about me. They sometimes would look at me with this disdain look and thought that I thought I was better than everyone else. If they ONLY knew ME, they would know this is so far from the truth. Well what church do you go to? An International church, really? Are you Catholic? Where even is your church? Do they judge you there because that is why I don't do church. Yes it is so much easier sitting there and pretending to not be religious. Everyone else does it so well. I guarantee if I would have been indifferent about God then I would have been accepted right away. So many people these days think if you proclaim your faith then you are one of those crazy religious people that judges everyone. The new world ideas are you should be a Christian but don't walk around acting like one because the other people that aren't will feel so different. There have been many occasions where some of the women have said comments about being Christian but in a very passive aggressive way. I mean Heaven forbid anyone think you really have a relationship with Jesus.
What has happened to us. It is so sad. You can open up the Bible and read it for 5 minutes and understand that is not what God and Jesus want from us. But I am the weird one. I am the outcast because I am praising HIS name.
There have been days of immense sadness and pain that I am not accepted into this "cool" group of women. Feeling like I am back in high school and have to prove that I will sleep with that popular guy just to fit in. (Just an analogy people). A feeling that maybe I thought I knew who I was at one point in my life but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I am boring, shy, awkward, and too religious. They are questions that came to mind frequently.
I am in no way trying to compare my struggles with people of the Bible or people that get persecuted for their beliefs even today. I am just trying to share how lonely it can feel to be a believer of God. God does say people that follow Him will feel so alone at times. So judged for their beliefs. I can say I feel 1 ounce of what the men who followed Jesus felt. Questioning everything around you because no one else is like you.
I would be lying if I said it only brought me closer to God. I had days where I was so angry. Angry at Him for making it hard on me. Why can't I just be like everyone else. I already am away from family and making friends is hard too. It makes one question life. Why are we here if our goal is to just be in Heaven with our creator. It can be rough.
Would I change anything? Absolutely not. These hard months of rejection mean nothing when it comes to eternity in Heaven. I will continue to suffer everyday here so I can see what is waiting for me in His Kingdom. Has my relationship gotten stronger with my Creator? 100 times stronger. Yes there are days of hardship but I see the light.
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