Jenn and Sean's Christmas Party

Last night was simply amazing. Andy and I got a babysitter for Amelie so we could enjoy a night out sans kids. I love that we both realize the importance of getting out without Ame. We know that we need time away from her to recharge our batteries and actually miss her. Our relationship has to come first for our family unit to work. When kids are around there is that added worry about them at all times.

I bought a red dress for the party and wore some cute heels. It felt nice to dress up. I forget the last time I have even wore heels. Doing this made me feel special, confident, and just plain old happy. Andy looked nice as always. I mean he is metrosexual, what do you expect? It is also nice to leave the enormous small flat we are in day in and day out. When I am home I think of all the things I should be doing...It is refreshing being in someone else's home and have them do all the work.

Jenn and Sean hired 2 babysitters for the kiddos to hang out in the back rooms. For everyone in Switzerland we know this is a good chunk of change. So sweet for them to do this. The Christmas tree was up with both fragile decorations and hand made ones. The lighting was that kind of lighting that every woman dreams of. No flaws to see. No pimples. No bronzer lines. It just puts you in the mood to drink. And that we did. The prosecco was flowing, well at least it was in my cup. There were all my favorite Basel people in one place. Everyone was dressed to impress with what seemed to be no care in the world. It was magical, Christmas time usually is. I started getting very excited about going back to Indy for Christmas. Nothing better than family around for Christmas. That is what it is all about.

It was a night to remember. A night out with my love away from my 2nd love. :)

Ame goes to Austria

I am a little late on posting this but as we all know life gets crazy. Andy, Ame and I got a group together to go to Austria for our friends, Heidi's opera. She puts together an Opera every year and it is fantastic. The setting is a ski village in the middle of Austria. The view is breathtaking. Obviously it is during summer so everything is green as can be. This view is up there with the most beautiful I have ever seen. Right out of a postcard.

We stayed at a friends Bed and Breakfast. During ski season they rent it out to a ski company but during the summer they run it for barely any money. We are very blessed to know them and be able to stay in such a beautiful place. There is a waterfall on the mountains behind the hotel. It doesn't get much better than that. Ame was 8 weeks at the time. Yes you heard that right. Sometimes I think how crazy we were for going and doing so much, but we really didn't even think twice about it. She was on us all day everyday anyway so why not go have fun while she is attached to us. The ergo is the best invention ever. That invention allowed for us to go on with our adventurous crazy life. It is funny because on this trip Heidi's mother in law said we were lucky to have the carrier. Back in their day they had nothing of the sort so were made to stay home. I actually do think of this often. How blessed we are to be able to just go and do with baby in tow. We really have not slowed down.

During this time I still had a bit of anxiety because Ame's sleep patterns were all over the place. I am used to getting so much sleep so night was still hard for me. I wasn't just tired from lack of sleep at night but also holding her all day and breastfeeding really took a toll on my body. Again, I cannot believe we did all of this. The human body is capable of an insane amount. We would go out all day everyday and not return home till about 11pm and then do it again the next day.

One day we hiked  took a gondola up the mountains to the highest point. Umm scary is an understatement. To fall in one of those things is certain death. Although I tried to just take everything in and realize how blessed we are to be able to do something like this. There was snow up in these mountains and boy was it cold. We were able to see 5 different countries. CRAZY!! As I have written in my previous blogs I always feel close to Heaven when I am up this high. I just want to lift my hand and reach it to our Heavenly Father's hand. It just all is surreal. Breathtaking views that we may never see again. I try to take in every moment.

One day the group went tubing in the river, which I did last year, but I had Ame this time :) It is okay Ame I didn't care to do it. Rita, our friend got sick on the way to the river so she stayed behind to keep me company. We were able to make our way to this cool Alpine Lake to have lunch. Everyone was swimming and going down this enormous slide while Rita and I ate our delicious food. I ordered the lake fish. Yummy. Ame slept the whole time on me. Shocking, I know. The group had a great time tubing and said the water was very calm. Last year when I went the water was crazy, of course. The group didn't believe any of my stories. :(

The Opera was on Friday night. It was such a beautiful night. We reserved a table for all of us so we could have food and just enjoy ourselves comfortably. The Opera is in German so reading the playbill is a must (even then it is hard to follow) Ame was with us and any time we thought she was going to make a sound we would run to the back of the restaurant building with her. It was quite comical. Life with a baby is definitely crazier. Nothing is really easy anymore. It is all a new normal that I am just now getting used too. Afterwards we partied inside the restaurant with all the members of the Opera. It was a blast. Ame was sleeping on me the whole time. Another mom there was shocked that I was here with an 8 week old. She asked if I was still in the fog, I answered yes rather quickly. About 11 we headed home. Ame and I went to bed and the gang drank more downstairs. It was a fun filled weekend. Mommy left being very exhausted though!

Just another day

Amèlie. You make my heart so full. I pray daily for time to stop. You are my joy, my happiness, my little buddy. When I am with you I feel like there is no place I would rather be. Obviously I want Daddy home too to complete it but you know what I mean. I adore you almost too much. I always heard that the love for a child was unexplainable but I never believed them. Now I get it. Your heart gets so full it could just burst. Today I picked you up at Stucki, the indoor mall here, and you just beamed. You were so happy to be picked up from the stroller. You started just staring at me. Then you do this thing where you get shy and hide your face in my arms or chest. It is my favorite. It is almost like a form of peek a boo. You only like the stroller if it is moving. Otherwise you scream to get out. You want to be in our arms as much as possible. When you get into our arms you are the happiest baby ever. We have been told by many people that you are the best baby they have ever seen. Makes us grin from ear to ear.

Never been so happy. This family of 3 truly does complete me. I love you Ame J .

Past 2 weeks

Wow, has Amelie regressed a lot in these past two weeks. The girl won't let me put her down. If we are home she is a little better about being put down, she must be familiar with everything. When we are out and about she holds onto my shirt so tightly. I will have to say it is very cute. She is so dependent on me which is not usually like her. She is pretty independent. She likes to always be facing outwards. She can only be rocked facing out and never like a baby :) She won't let us put her pacifier in her mouth. She wants to do it, and boy does she cry if she can't do it...

When babies make a huge leap in their development they regress first before making the leap. I usually am someone that can see the light at the end of the tunnel and stay positive but I just simply couldn't do it. I was a mess. I had a couple of breakdowns to Andy. The hard part for me was we JUST got her to fall asleep basically anywhere for her naps. She no longer needed Mommy and Daddy to hold her during her naps. She also started falling asleep without a whimper. All she needed was a blanket and her paci. I had 2 weeks of bliss. I started thinking, oh this is why people have children. I actually did have a moment of, wow this is easy, should we try for baby number 2? I was able to actually do things during the day without her strapped to me. I started getting my identity back. I was able to paint my nails. I was able to go to the bathroom without her staring at me. I was able to clean the dishes from the night before. Andy and I were able to have conversations that didn't include, "When do you think she will start sleeping off of us?" It was lovely. I thanked God for this everyday, all day. Seriously. I had waited for this for 4 months.

Then it all came tumbling down. Amelie only wanted us again. When she was awake she was a mess. She was wanting to sleep like a newborn again. Literally she would wake from a 2 hr nap and want to sleep again. She started crying hysterically all. over. again. It was as if the nightmare had returned. Honestly I told God I was mad. God, why did you tease me? I would have rather not had that 2 weeks because now I know what life can be like without her 24-7. She is 5 months old today. Andy said we have to stop giving into her. She had a rough week where she needed us a lot but now we need to teach her she can't always be on us. He was so right, and I needed to hear this. Yesterday we started putting her in her crib again for all of her naps. I do feel manipulated as she fell asleep after about 10 min of crying each time :/ We also were out shopping yesterday and she fell asleep in the stroller for about an hour :) So I will say it is a mixture of her returning to her old self and us intervening to do what we need to do. Children don't know what is best for them. Only we do. This is the first real thing we are teaching her. It feels so good. I can get back to my duties. My identity is here to stay!

Rainy Sunday

Sometimes I feel like I was born to live outside. I remember when I was younger, I would just stare out the window wondering what was happening out in the world. Where were people going? What was the weather like? Curiosity arose daily. Maybe it is the fear of missing out. Wanting to be in a million places at once. Wanting to experience what 5 million other people are experiencing. I want to be at that Mexican Restaurant eating those chips and salsa, or at Sea on the enormous yacht. I can faintly hear the laughter from the kids riding their bikes. And the sporting events that happen every Saturday in the Fall.  
Being inside can be boring, well, unless there is great company. From what I can tell walls don't talk back. Being inside reminds me of all the things I should be doing. My to do lists haunt me, and that bathroom of ours never seems to just clean itself. Ugh. If only. Time seems to stop and while I don't like it, God does. He wants to remind me that life can not always be so speedy. We have to stop and smell the roses. We have to sit in silence to know what we really want out of life. We need to be bored. We need to desire more. We can't always be in a state of euphoria out in the world. It seems easier to run away from our home. To forget what needs to be tended too. To listen to other people's problems even if we are understanding every other word because it is in German-and we don't know them. It is important to have those rainy Sundays. To revaluate our lives, make those new to do lists and get a little bored. It is what fuels us to get back into the world tomorrow.

Being Alone with Ame

Andy had his first work trip this past week, which means Ame and I alone in Switzerland for the first time. She is now 4.5 months old so the anxieties that once haunted me were long gone. I was no longer worried about her waking up countless times in the night or needing to be held every 2 seconds. I am very confident in my ability to take care of Ame. I think it helped that I was in America for 3 whole weeks without Andy. I knew what his absence felt like. Although let's get serious I had help constantly. Every where I turned someone was willing to take her off my hands, but being alone at night is never fun. Does anyone really enjoy it? It is one thing to be alone during the day, but once the light turns to dark there is just something mysterious and creepy about the world. It seems that nothing good ever happens after a certain hour at night, say 12am. Maybe that is why I hit the hay so early :) Hey, 9pm is late... Ha, I try to stay awake longer but my body won't allow it. Keke needs her sleep. Okay back to the blog. I knew that worrying about Andy being gone would just make things worse. So I do what I always do and left everything to God. I prayed for peace to fill my heart. I prayed for Him to give me constant interactions during the day so I wasn't watching the clock. I prayed for the week to go by fast. I know, I know I usually hate to do this because let's face it time flies, but if I am honest I prayed for Thursday night to come quick.

I have to say I chuckled a bit when right after my prayer session I received a Facebook message from my friend Heidi in Austria saying that her and Bo are coming to Basel for the week. Wow, is God great. He sure knows what I needed. Heidi is always up to hang out and is just so go with the flow. She makes life so enjoyable and always has a smile on her face. Conversations are just effortless with her. I am comfortable talking about most everything with her. Even though we differ on certain issues (as most everyone does) we have loving conversations where we care about each others feelings. It is nice.

As, I have said before I do pray for the hard times. I pray for growth and spiritual depth. I knew this week would be a perfect chance for growth and perspective. I think about Army wives that have their husbands gone for months... I mean really think about this one. The husband is gone for months. And I am without him for a week. It doesn't mean that I can't be sad or feel lonely, it just makes it all a lot easier. If they can do months, I can do 5 nights. Oh, how I enjoy looking at the positive. I truly can feel the joy that Jesus offers to us in every situation.

Ame and I made sure we were out and about everyday all day so that when we arrived home nothing was stale. When I am out in the chaos of the city all day, I have a desire to come home and put my pj's on and watch an episode of Kardashians. When I am home all day, this is just the same stuff different day. We get bored fast. Of course God provided a million things for us to do. Coffee's, play dates, long conversations, and dinner dates. We were and are so blessed. I sure did feel loved.

Because of all of the fun and joy we had this week I didn't even mention the "stuff" that made it a difficult week. It seemed to take a backseat because I was able to see how God was providing for us. Ame was in a "wonder week" which means her brain was on overdrive. She is learning many new things and can't quite function like her old self. They equate it to when us adults have a presentation the next day and how badly our sleep is effected. Ame chose to regress to a newborn style. She woke up all night long the first night Andy was gone. She went back to wanting to be held the entire day. She wanted to sleep the day away. Her fussiness and moodiness were at a heightened level. It was rough. Andy and I had just felt that she was becoming so easy and then BAM, she regressed. It is only for a short time, and then a huge leap in their development happens. Similar to how we need to go to the hard places for growth, babies need to also. Without regression we have no progression. That is what keeps me calm on my days of hard.

Ame goes to America

Dear Amelie,

Do you know how many people love you? Oh my Lord. From the moment we stepped off that plane in Indiana you had people lining up to see your beautiful face. We had a million family members even at the airport waiting to meet you for the first time. You were 12 weeks before most of my family saw you. We all wished it could have been sooner.

You were pretty crabby for the first couple days. Makes sense seeing as jet lag hit you. Indiana is 6 hours behind Switzerland. YIKES. Once we got off the plane it was 2 am your time so you were not happy. You cried the entire car ride home. HA.

The first few mornings you got up about 3 am wanting to start your day. I fed you and made you sleep on me till 7 to get you on schedule. I was surprised that it really didn't take you that long to get on the time :)

From 3-4 months is one of the biggest transition for babies. You had some great days, and some not so great days. Your brain was developing constantly and sometimes babies cannot handle it. I tried nap training you but it really wasn't fair for you because we were out and about so much. I didn't think it was right to nap train you one day and then hold you the next. So I put nap training on hold and wore you in the Ergo baby for every nap!

We stayed at Marm and Steve's house first. Such a great feeling to wake up in such a secure place surrounded by people we love. Steve and Marm couldn't get enough of you. Always wanting to hold you and kiss you.

We stayed at Daddy's parents house too. Oh boy are they obsessed! They never wanted to put you down. Constant smiles and laughter the entire time :) I enjoyed the early morning coffees with your Grandma Missy. I always love our chats. The doggies loved you and kept kissing you every chance they got :) You slept great at their house. I only got up a couple times a night with you.

For the last 3 weeks we stayed at Aunt Mandy's and Uncle Dan's house. Would never be able to write down all the incredible experiences we all had together. There is so much love and joy in that house it is insane. Jesus sure does live there. Waking up to Sebastian and Cealy watching cartoons in the family room. Just waiting for you to come downstairs so they could hug you. Your cousins are obsessed with you. Sebastian would not leave you alone. It was hilarious. We had to be careful with him because he is only 2 and doesn't quite know what he can and cannot do yet. Cealy is so in love with you and kept saying how cute you were. I often caught her reading her books to you. Simply precious. You never liked the car so you would cry a lot during car rides. Cealy, Cruz and Seb never got frustrated with you. They knew you were just learning. Cruz comes over everyday and secretly comes over to you. He is not one to jump on you because that is not his personality. He will just kiss you and hug you without me even seeing. He has the biggest heart out of anyone I know. Your Auntie Nicole grabbed you every chance she got. When she was around I never held you bc she wanted you so much :) She always requests pictures of you too. She is one busy lady running your Grandpa Rex's and hers company.

We went to many dinners while back home. You will soon realize this is normal :) We love eating out. I am blessed you fall asleep in the carrier because if you get tired I can just put you in that. We went to the malls many of times too. We had cookouts so everyone could come see you. We had smaller dinners with the Gigaxes. I took you to Daddy's work and Opa's work. I dressed you so cute so everyone would see how cute you are! We tried to be outside as much as possible, just like in Switzerland :) We went to many parks with your cousins. They sure do love to run around and play together. You had so much fun and changed into a different baby by the end of the trip. Everyone said how big you were and how much happier you were. We will be back in the States in just a few short weeks!

Our Ame at 3 months

You have definitely gotten more comfortable with the outside world. You are starting to not cry as much and stay happy while awake. You have a wake time of about an 1hr 1.5 then you need a nap. We still hold you for all of your naps! Little stinker. My back is killing me from carrying you. I know I will miss it one day. Maybe....

You are still very clingy. Once you wake in the middle of the night you do not want to be put back in the crib. You would prefer sleeping on Mommy.

• I introduced formula to you in a bottle and you LOVED it. I was so worried you wouldn't take to a bottle but you did great. 
• You smile more and more now and it melts our hearts. It makes me forget all the hard stuff. 
• You still love being outside. I take you outside every single day to make sure you get some fresh air and see God's creations. It is awesome to see how interested you are now. You can finally see further away and all the colors! 
• Towards the end of 3 months you started to fall asleep in the swing. HALLELUJAH!! This is amazing for Mommy. I need to get some stuff done during the day and now have at least 45 minutes to do some chores. 
• You don't cry much at all before you fall asleep. You used to cry your lungs out when you were tired. The world knew miss Ame was tired :) 
• You will nap for hours on us but if napping somewhere else only about 45 minutes. So we sometimes rock you and sometimes put you down. 
• Your bedtime is now 8:30-9. This is nice for your parents because we can have some time to hang before bed :) 
• You are so very alert for your age and many people say that you do things way before you are supposed to... 
• You love this one book because when you touch it, it makes noises. 
• You love the colorful giraffe. It is one of your favorites. 
• You are starting to love blankets :) You get a blanket and a pacifier before naps and it pretty much soothes you to sleep! WAHOO! You only need the pacifier for a minute though and you end up spitting it out soon after. 

Until Month 4 Ame J. 

Observations on our Ame J. 4.5 months

• You are starting to get lots of hair! (4.5 months) 
• You are now sleeping 10-12 hours a night :) we thought we were going to have to do cry it out with you but you only ended up crying one night! Thank the Lord! 
• You are blowing raspberries. It. Is. The. Cutest. Thing. Ever. 
• You curl your feet when you are drinking your bottle. 
• When you see your bottle you go CRAZY like you have never eaten before. Daddy and I laugh at you constantly when you do this. 
• You breastfed for 4 months and then Mommy stopped. Formula is your food now. 
• You started teething last month. Now you drool ALL the time :) We used to not have to change you but once a day. Now we change you often! 
• You have a cough because of teething :( You have had it for a month now. I am so over it. Doesn't seem to bother you though. Sometimes you cough so hard that you projectile vomit your bottle everywhere :/
• You have the biggest blue eyes and everyone comments on them. I hope they stay blue. They sure are perfect. When you stare up at me with those eyes I can't help but get tears in my eyes. Cannot believe you are mine. 
• You constantly put your hands in your mouth and make noises. My favorite thing is when I go in to kiss you when you have your hands in front of your face and I see the smile under it all. Then you dart your eyes the other direction like, "Hey Mom, you can stop now."
• You squeak and make high pitch noises constantly. Your Dad and I laugh hysterically. You will wake up from a nap and just squeak until we come and get you. 
• You LOVE the bath now :) Any time we need to distract you from being tired we put you in the bath. You love splashing around now and love looking at this certain animal picture book. You could stay in the bath for hours. 
• You love when we tickle you under your neck. You start giggling and it is too much to handle. You make us all giggle. 
• You are starting to grab our faces when we pick you up. Can't handle the cuteness. 
• We left you for the first time with a random sitter last night. I was anxious as it was the first time but I knew everything would be just fine. It was your bedtime when we left anyway. When we got home, Carol, the babysitter said that once you realized we were gone you cried for about 5 minutes. Break my heart!!! 
• The way you smile at me melts my heart every time. I cannot believe God has blessed us with you. You are my best friend, my joy, my happiness. When I am with you and Daddy nothing else seems to matter. 

Is she really only 4 weeks?

I found myself in the early days of miss Amelie wanting time to fast forward. Days were longer than long. Anxiety awaited me at each new hour. I thought my life would never resume normalcy again. I didn't realize how easy my previous life had been. To say my world was rocked is an understatement.

 I honestly can say I am not ashamed for feeling this way. You will not see a blog from me saying "I wish I had embraced every moment." Survival mode. That is what I constantly told myself. I wanted her to be older. I needed her to be easier. I wanted so desperately to feel that sheer joy every single second that so many mothers feel. Peace has been placed on my heart by Jesus. Peace that it is okay to not LOVE the hard times. The hard times are where we grow the most spiritually, emotionally, physically etc, so I would be silly to say I don't welcome the hard. I have grown more in these past 4 months then I have in my entire life, but to say one enjoys every moment up until the growth would be a lie.

Amelie month 2

Oh Amelie it has now been 2 months. Now I see how the time can fly by. Your Opa and Gma Gigax came to visit for 3 weeks. How blessed are we? They both helped so much with you. The love they have for you is beyond words. It is so amazing to see how many people love you. Missy constantly just told me to go with the flow and you would tell me what you needed. I am such a routine/scheduler that I want it to go exactly according to plan down to the minute. HA. You have a completely different plan and keep us all on our toes.

Your daddy and I continue our lives of getting out of the house as much as possible. We knew when we had you that we didn't want to stop our exciting lives. You now just make it more exciting. Your daddy is so adventurous that he is always up for something new. Every weekend we go down to the Rhine River so everyone can swim and just hang out. We end up having cookouts with our portable grills. During the week when Daddy is at work I always take you outside. You just LOVE being outside and Mommy and Daddy are happy for that. When we are at home time just seems to slow down and get boring. That is why we love living in the city because right outside our door is hustle and bustle. I love Starbucks and we tend to go there at least 4 days a week. Yikes, I know, seeing as a drink here in Switzerland is about 8 francs. We have many fun girls to meet and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. I don't know what I would do without this amazing support system. God is always looking out for us.

You are always wanting to be held now. We recently bought a different attachment for the stroller because you hate lying on your back. You now love being upright and looking out in the stroller. You love napping on your stomach. It makes us nervous though so we always make sure and check on you. You absolutely love the baby carrier and anytime we put you in it you fall right asleep. If you are not in the carrier you cry so very hard until we hold you and rock you. You like being snug as a rug kind of like you were in my womb. I am not going to lie my back is killing me!! Holding you for 7 naps a day can take a toll. Daddy holds and carries you whenever he is home. Your Dad is completely obsessed with you. The way he looks at you is precious. He runs home from work and sweeps you up in his arms. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. He easily takes 50% of workload off of me. I am very blessed.

We are both still very tired. You are wanting to be up more at night. Once you get up for a feed you want to stay in my arms. I end up having to sleep in the rocking chair with you or sleep on the couch. It is rough for now but I know it won't always be like this. You don't have a bedtime which is nice right now because we can go out and do whatever we want. I know soon enough your bedtime will be 7 or 8 and we don't have a choice :)

Places we went your second month: Austria, Germany, France and Italy. You are one travelled baby. Like I said we like to continue our lives :) I will blog later about your trips to Austria and Italy. They were amazing trips. We are heading to the US of A in a few weeks so we need to get your passport! Passport at 10 weeks, WOW. Your extended family is dying to meet you in Indiana.

Amelie J. The love we have for you is unimaginable. We cannot believe you are our daughter. Our hearts explode with love for you. You are our joy. You are our world. We love you miss Amelie. 

Amelie at 1 month

Oh Amelie. I wish I could say time has flown this past month but it has not. Bringing home a newborn is scary stuff. There is no handbook or guidelines on how to be a good parent. Andy and I were just given you by God to take care of your every need. To say I was anxious was an understatement. Your Marm came all the way from Indiana to see your beautiful face. Her being here for 10 days made everything feel perfect. Any question I had was blurted out immediately because I knew my mom always knew the answer. Marm and your dad stayed up with you at night and only brought you in when you needed fed. You would sleep 3-4 hour stretches, amazing! We had a midwife come named Michelle. She weighed you, poked you, measured you and so much more. Michele eased all my worries with her phenominal medical knowledge. Marm and I laughed a lot because her answers were always, "Well are you breastfeeding," then it's normal....

You don't like being in places for very long because you get bored. You sure do have a nice set of lungs on you :) You go to bed at night around 10:30-11pm. Mommy has always gotten at least 9 hours of sleep a night so she has struggled this past month! You look so much like me, and boy does this make me happy. When I stare at you, I see my twin. I think about all the years we get to spend together and how much fun we will have. I often ask if I have to give you back... Is this real? Do I get you forever?

You hate the stroller (Infant seat)
You love our baby carriers
You hate the bath
You love sleeping
You don't spit up, ever
You hate being held like a baby
You always have to face outward
You already have good neck control
You won't take a pacifier
You love sleeping on your daddy

The love we have for you is unimaginable. We cannot believe you are our daughter. Our hearts explode with love for you. You are our joy. You are our world. We love you miss Amelie.

Until Month two.....

Amelie Joretta Gigax

Amelie was born on June 17^th, 2013 at 3:13 A.M. We had a beautiful baby GIRL!! I could not believe it. I for sure thought we were going to have a boy and his name would be Augustine. I birthed myself. All 9 pounds 7 ounces came out of me and looked exactly like myself. Her chubby cheeks were out of this world. Her jet black hair and pink coloring made her gorgeous. I couldn’t believe my pregnancy was finally over. I had made it to the finish line. I was finally staring at MY daughter. Now let’s rewind a bit to tell how we got to this point.

It all started Friday night when we were at a dinner with the Basel gang. I kept getting shooting pains down my legs. My mom had said when this happened to her labor was near. The shooting pain stopped me in my tracks when I was walking and I thought to myself, this really hurts. Ha. Looking back that pain was NOTHING of what I was about to endure. Went to bed that night with a little excitement thinking this has to be it.

Woke up the next day with real contractions but they were all over the place. I walked around for hours to try and get the contractions going. I tried to do everything they tell you to do. Eat pineapple, drink the tea, walk the stairs etc. As the contractions were harsh they still were not getting closer together. Frustration cannot even begin to tell how I was feeling. Come to find out again the pain from these contractions were also about a 2 to what was about to come. It was the middle of the night on Saturday and I had hit my breaking point. I could not sit any longer and endure this pain. We headed to the hospital and got hooked up to everything. To my dismay I was only 1 cm dilated and my contractions were not consistent. I had one terrible one then a mild one and so on and so forth. The nurse said I could stay but it would be at least 14 hours till anything really happened. We chose to go home. I was crushed, devastated, sad, overwhelmed, lonely and the list could go on. I could not believe I had to go back home and potentially wait another 14 hours. Back home we went, I told Andy to get some rest, and I watched slingbox on my Ipad in bed. Obviously sleep was not an option at this point. With each contraction that came my prayers kept getting more and more. I kept saying Lord, please make this pain not so bad. Please, please, please!!!!!! I remember feeling so helpless. The contractions would come whether I liked it or not. Crying during a contraction made it so much worse. I had to try so hard to just focus on my breathing and not get upset. Whenever the tears came, my breathing would go erratic and I would spiral out of control. I knew what needed to be done. I could no longer cry if I was going to get through this. Finally about 14 hours later, I had had enough. I could no longer do this. I called in and said no the contractions are not closer but my pain is no longer tolerable. I must come in. They agreed and off we went. I remember praying constantly in the car. Please Lord make my contractions closer. Please make this the real thing. I cannot go back to the apartment. I have to have my baby.

I rushed back into the same room I was in 14 hours before and was immediately hooked up to it all. Praise the LORD I was 3-4 cm dilated and my contractions were about 4-5 min apart. I cried with relief. This was IT. We were checked into our room and I was given an advil to take the edge off…. Really? I don’t think it did anything… But it was a nice gesture! Then the terrible news came. The anesthesiologist was taken away for an emergency C-section and he couldn’t see me for at least an hour. Obviously in that moment I took a second to pray for the people involved in that. No one wants to have an emergency C-section as it means something went wrong. Although it was tough to think I had to wait another hour to get an epidural. Before labor I hadn’t thought of getting in the birthing tub. To me, I think that is for mothers who are going all natural. In Europe though a lot of women get in it to ease the pain. At this point I would do anything to take the edge off. So the nurse started the tub. Unfortunately the tub cannot be that hot because it can harm the baby so it was luke warm. I, on the other hand always made scolding hot baths. Whoops. Then the pain was so intense I asked the nurse if I could get anything else to take away some of the pain. She said yes and brought something quickly in. Later I found out that this actually slowed down my labor. When I told my Mom she was NOT happy about this. She said that you never slow down labor once it has started. Well good thing I didn’t have a clue because it definitely helped. Oh I forgot to mention it had been well over an hour now. The C-section was taking way longer than expected. Andy was a wreck. He was pacing back and fourth in the room constantly uttering where is he? Where is he? I was smitten. I felt so very loved by him during this time. He could not deal with me in this much pain. Every contraction that came I held his hand and focused on my breathing. About 2 hours later they were ready to give me my epidural. I leapt out of that tub so fast and onto the hospital bed. The nurses were afraid though that I might be too far along in my labor process and that the epidural would not take. Instantly I was panicked stricken. WHAT????? I said a quick prayer and they checked my dilation. I was 5 going on 6 J  I was not too far along. Although for you mothers out there 5 going on 6 cm means OUCH!!!! Most women get the epidural at 2-3 cm. I am not going to lie I felt like a badass being able to endure that much pain. A lot of women say the needle for the epidural kills but at this point nothing could hurt more than what I was experiencing. He put the needle in me when there was a lag in the contractions and I barely felt a thing. I was just thrilled to have it. It only took about 5 minutes to feel the relief. I was in Heaven. I was very loopy. And all of a sudden I loved my husband again. HA. I was dreaming of rainbows and butterflies. J But wait, it doesn’t end this happy. The nurse decided it was time for Pitocin to speed up my labor. Once the Pitocin started my contractions returned L I was devastated. Oh I forgot to tell you, in Switzerland they start off with a very low dosage of the epidural and it is controlled by the patient!! How crazy is this? So with each new contraction I was feeling, the button for the epidural got pushed. I felt that my thumb was permanently attached to the button. The machine will stop if I would have pressed it too much. I literally think I pressed it over 50 times. That is how bad I still felt. The good news was I went from 5cm to 9 in 1 hour!!!!! This is amazing for labor and I was happy about that progress. The nurse checked me and said she could see the head but wanted to wait for me to push. So I just kept turning from side to side to get the baby down more. I remember feeling so much pressure in my bum. I literally felt like I couldn’t hold from pushing. It hurt so bad. I mean so so so so bad. For the next hour I had to keep going from side to side and was not able to push. It was awful. Finally after that hour the nurse said she felt confident that I could push this baby out. This was it. We were ready. The Doctor finally came in to assist the nurse in the delivery. The spouses also have a lot to do with deliveries here too. Andy was at their disposal. The good thing about feeling so much of the pain was that when they said to push, I pushed harder then I ever have done something before. I just wanted the pain to end. I wanted it to be over. I remember telling the nurse that I couldn’t breathe. She said that it was a contraction. To this day I know it wasn’t because it was a continuous feeling that an elephant was on my chest. It only took about 7 pushes and Amelie Joretta Gigax was born. She was the most beautiful, precious sight I had ever seen. She was me. It was love at first sight. The nurse told me I had pushed amazingly well and couldn’t believe how fast the baby came. I knew why. I couldn’t handle the pain so I did what I needed to do to get her out. That is the positive about feeling so much pain. Some women end up having to get C sections because they can’t push hard enough. For me the whole process was over in 2 hours J

Choosing not to induce

We were given the option to have an induction for Baby G. When I heard these words I leapt for joy. The Swiss do not induce unless it is 10 days past the due date. The doctors were considering it for me because the baby was sitting on a nerve and I broke out with a beautiful rash all over my body. The remarks from the Doctors were always, well we would rather not induce but it is up to you. Oh, geeze, thanks, make me feel so good about wanting to be induced. You are left feeling utterly helpless because the best possible place for the baby is in my womb. We had an appointment on Friday, where we were told we would talk to the Dr about a possible induction. We get there, and I only was on the schedule to see a midwife. I am not going to lie, I cried when I was told the Dr would not see me. Once the tears came, they couldn't be turned off. Sorta like the scene in Alice in Wonderland where the tears are huge and keep falling only to scare everyone. Andy kept trying to console me, obviously making it worse. At the time I just wanted to lean into his chest and weep. This was not the time nor place. The midwives would have thought there was no heartbeat in the baby or something. I had to control myself. We were left to wait till Monday. Another weekend in Basel looking like a water buffalo, yipee my excitement could be heard by everyone. On the other hand I was happy that I had 2 days to pray and think about what my decision would be.

Friday is a bit of a blur seeing as I was just over life at that point. If I stared at the Britax Stroller one more time with nothing in it I was going to barf. Once I got over the disappointment I spent a lot of time praying. I just kept praying for clarity, peace, calmness and wisdom. Over and over I would just shoot up a "flare prayer" as Michelle Duggar calls it, a quick prayer up to Heaven. I also had a lot of people around me praying and boy did I ever feel those prayers. I felt a sense of comfort during these couple days. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that will take the time to pray for me. Hearing those few simple words of "praying for you" makes my heart happy. Well, and as we know, they are not simple words. They are words that define how our lives will be. On His path or our own. Lord knows I NEED His help.

Monday at 1:50 was our appointment. Woke up still not feeling confident as to what my decision was. Andy kept saying it was up to me, and I hated that pressure. I almost wanted him to just decide for us. All morning I prayed for guidance. In the back of my mind though I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be induced. I was already 2 days after my due date. Why not? We are tested by God and i felt as if He was saying, you are doing all of this praying, now you need to listen to it. I knew that God was putting it on my Heart NOT to induce. I had this overwhelming feeling that if I would have chosen induction I wouldn't have felt right about it. I felt it was a selfish decision and not honoring God. Most all babies come out when the time is right, when that time was is another question. As good as I felt about telling the Doctors no to induction, I still felt defeated. Half my heart was saying bring the baby out, and the other half had God's hand on it saying no. When reading the passage in James about being tested by God, God says he WILL test us but he will also get us through the test. We have to rely on Him. As much as I wanted to hold the baby in my arms I knew it just wasn't the right time. So, I sit here on Wednesday, still pregnant, waiting for the baby to come on it's own.

40 weeks and 4 days

O.M.G. 40 weeks and 4 days. I can't quite explain how I feel right now. Andy asks me a lot of times, what are you doing over there? I say I am thinking. I am trying to figure out how I am even feeling at this point. Mad, sad, frustrated, overjoyed, lonely. I am a mixed bag of emotions that if left to saturate, a bomb could likely explode. Feeling raw emotion leads me to exactly how I am feeling. I think we all owe it to ourselves to do this. Feeling is living.

 I often catch myself staring out the window right now just thinking how could this be? How could I be 4 days past my due date? Doesn't the baby want to come out? I have been pregnant now for 10 months and 4 days, when will it end? You do start to question weather you will be pregnant forever, no seriously, you do. Basically the past year has been spent pregnant. I don't remember what it is like to down a glass of prosecco or take a really long walk down by the Rhine. Life has stopped a bit. I feel that life is on hold, almost like a half pause on the television. (I made it up, you get my point) I can do some things but for the most part I am at a stand still. Andy has been working from home and were just waiting for the cliche, "My water broke, honey," It's time." I, unlike some people have felt a lot of labor symptoms thus far. A ton of cramps, pressure and back pain. When it is the first pregnancy one thinks every time a cramp comes on, heaven forbid the hospital bag not be ready.

I was reading a blog where the author wrote that she was much more in tune with Jesus when she was going through her 3 year adoption for her daughter in Haiti. She relied solely on Him to get her through all those tough moments. 3 years of waiting. I cannot imagine. I am someone who doesn't want to discredit my situation by saying, well if she waited 3 years I can wait 6 more days. No. This is my situation and this is my obstacle, I can be sad, mad and feel lonely, although her story does put life into perspective a bit more. The author quickly went on to say that once her daughter came home from Haiti she stopped relying so much on Jesus. I definitely had an aha moment. I know this is true for myself. I can see it now. Baby G comes home and I feel that I crossed the finish line. I can now take it from here, no more help needed. When we are in our times of stress and worry is when we reach out to Him. When we have everything we need the telephone stops ringing. There is a slight disconnection and it is because we think our human selves can carry our lives the rest of the way. I have to remember to rely on Him for everything. Life doesn't get easier when the baby arrives at our house. The challenges have just begun. So much of being a good Mum will rely on weather or not I am letting Him guide my path.

I woke up today, Wednesday, feeling defeated. Feeling like I don't know if I can do another Wednesday-Tuesday pregnant. I cannot clean another article of the baby's clothing or stare once more at the sonogram. I want the real thing. I want to kiss those cheeks and stare at God's beautiful creation. I told Andy I just wanted to sleep until the baby comes. Well, it is true and I won't deny it. I am over being pregnant.

Time to call on Jesus.

2 years of marriage

I don't quite know what I want to get out of writing this blog. Normally ideas of blogs come to mind and then quickly so do the words to fill up the page. This seems forced. A blog to write because, well, we have made it through 2 years of marriage. I do want to look back at this special time and remember where we were in our lives. I want one day for my children to look back at my writings and picture what life was like. I don't feel the need to write this blog trying to show others how in love Andy and I are. It is more of a memory for me. I know through the next years of marriage we will hit those rough patches that ALL people talk about. We, fortunately, have yet to see the hard times.

I honestly can say that we could have reached those hard times. There were days when it was up to us to wake up in a bad mood or decide to create our own paradise. I was uprooted from everything I ever was comfortable with and moved to a foreign country. I left my passion of teaching to come to Switzerland where my daily chore was to make sure the refrigerator had food in it. Each day I had to find my new "routine," my new life. I didn't have my sisters to lean on, or my mother to call. It was Andy and I. Oh, and obviously the Lord. Our Savior is who has kept this marriage great. Without him none of this happiness would exist. I hope by now all of you who know me just assume I thank Him for everything. He is the center of our lives.

I chose to not resent Andy for the move. He didn't move me here kicking and screaming. I did a lot of praying and knew this was the right option for us. If I would have said no, he wouldn't have come. Therefore, how could I blame him for our situation? So many women here say they were mad at their husbands for the entire first year they were here. I cannot imagine that. A whole year of tension. I have a day of tension with Andy and I feel like the walls are caving in on me. I can't stand if he is mad at me, it literally eats away at me and is all I can think about.

I can honestly say I still get butterflies with my husband. The love that he has for me beams off of him daily. Andy's heart is full of love and joy. At least that is what I see. He is my protector, my soft place to fall. He is my best friend.  When he walks through the door, most days, I am a giddy school girl. Every night when 10 p.m. rolls through I get excited because this is our time to lay in bed together. We normally watch a show as I drift off to sleep. I so comfortably can fall asleep when Andy is near. Take him away from the left side of the bed and insomnia occurs because I no longer feel that safe feeling. When Andy says everything is going to be okay, I know it is going to be okay. He has this calmness about him that makes me feel entirely at peace.

We are in an amazing place in our lives. I am 39.5 weeks pregnant. We are expecting our new family member any day now. Our lives will forever be changed. Andy said to me awhile back that he was nervous about the baby and how that would change our relationship. Oh how sad this made me. I obviously think about it too but nothing can change our love. Andy and I have to put each other first. That is what a biblical marriage is all about. If Andy and I are out of tune then the children suffer as well. We live in one of the most expensive countries in the world and we are able to live very comfortably. We have gained so many friends here. Friends that share a unique bond that will forever be there. Friends have to be family here. We cling to each other because our familiarity is America. I cling to Andy because he is my safe place. When I am with him there is honestly no other place I would rather be. When I am next to him I know everything will be alright.

Here's to another 70 years.

James.

Being 39 weeks pregnant and miserable it is easy to become frustrated and mad with absolutely everything around me. Lately it has been hard to wake up in a fantastic mood. I hurt all over, and I can barely do anything all day everyday. It is just a waiting game at this point. Waiting for Baby G to make his/her grand entrance.

This morning I had a heavy heart to open the Bible and read about patience. I always do love when I feel the need to do this. I try and do this everyday but lately I have slacked. I turned to the back of my Bible and looked up verses on patience. I was quickly drawn to James. Now I am ashamed to say it but I really don't know much about James. I have never been the person in Bible Study to be able to name everyone and say what they have done. I have a lot of homework to do. Although all God wants for us is our thirst for His word. He is not worried that I have yet to know something. As long as I am striving to get closer to Him, that is good enough.

James basically writes a How-To section on being a good Christian. He states that is faith without good deeds means nothing. It is our faith and our actions that show we are true followers. James gives us insight on how to live a faithful life and lean on God. I was first draw to James 1:2-5. "Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way consider it an opportunity for great joy. FOr you know that when you faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God and he will give it to you." Also to James 1:12-14. "God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation." And remember when you are being tempted DO NOT SAY God is tempting me. God has never tempted to do wrong, and he never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from OUR OWN desires which entice us and drag us away." I have an application Bible so there are more explanations for this that help with our understanding. Temptation comes from our evil desires inside us NOT from God. God allows Satan to tempt people, however in order to refine their faith and to help them grow in their dependence on Christ.

I know. This is a lot to take in. I could read this paragraph over and over and still not understand the magnitude of it. It makes my heart happy. To know that when I am tempted I HAVE to lean on Christ. The devil is sitting there laughing at me when I am tempted and I have to call out to my Lord. With my lack of patience lately I have been tempted to turn away from God. To be mad that He is letting me feel this pain and not yet delivering my baby. When in reality I need to be calling on Him to help me through this challenging time. That only He can save me from my inner selfishness. I don't know when the best time for my baby to come out is. Only He knows. I am blaming him, when He is doing what is best for me. When I lean on my own understanding and Earthly desires it can only end up to be detrimental for everyone involved. When I seek Him and ask for His wisdom and understanding only good comes from it.

Feeling handicapped

It all started at about week 37. My back started to give out. I knew this was going to be a problem at the end of my pregnancy because I had back problems before being pregnant. I thought I had pulled something when I was cleaning. I thought a little Tylenol would do the trick. Well it didn't seem to help and I ended up in the Emergency Room. I was having terrible back pain and it was causing pelvic pressure and what I thought was contractions. It obviously scared me with this being my first pregnancy I don't really know what is normal and what is not. I am not an ER kinda person. I absolutely HATE attention. The midwife was amazing and understood I was in a lot of pain. The Dr. made me feel quite stupid. She basically said all women have back pain at the end of pregnancy, don't come back until you have actual contractions. I was thinking to myself well I THOUGHT they were contractions, geeze. And this isn't normal back pain, I cannot even walk right now.

I ended up going home and feeling very down. Thinking that I had at least 3 more weeks of this was tough. I cannot even attempt the daily things I used to do. It did make me realize how much I do during the day though. I did a lot more then I gave myself credit for. I am not at the point where if I want to see people they have to come to my house. I can barely walk to the bathroom, that is how much pain I am in. My midwife at my latest appointment said that the baby must be on a nerve. Now it all makes sense. Nerves control the body and if the baby isn't allowing the nerve to do it's job, OUCH is the word sent to my brain.

Andy has had to pick up the slack in so many areas. He cleans, cooks, grocery shops, helps me out of the shower, etc. I am not going to lie it is tough to ask for so much help. I have never been put in a position before where I have needed daily help. It really makes me think of handicapped people. It saddens my heart for them. I doubt they want help going to the bathroom or getting out of the shower. It is a very vulnerable feeling and you feel pretty worthless. It shows me how much pride I have. I don't want to ask for help because it shows that I am a failure. That is pitiful. We will all need help throughout our lifetime and this is a time when I need a lot. Andy is entirely capable of picking up my slack for 3 weeks. As everyday is going at a snails pace now in the scheme of life 3 weeks is a dot in my life.  I have tried to embrace the act of sitting around reading, watching tv, and taking naps. Some people would kill to have this free time, and I am complaining about it. 3 weeks time is more vacation then people get in an entire year! Today is the day where I just relax and stop complaining. There will be a time when I look back at this 3 weeks and wish I had it again.

It also makes me realize how I cannot take my healthy body for granted. Being able to walk seems such a simple task for so many people but for the ones that can't it is such a struggle. When I am feeling better I don't ever want to forget this rough patch. Walking is something most of us take for granted because we have always been able to do it. We are very fortunate to have 2 healthy legs that get us from point A to point B.

38 weeks and almost there

I am not going to lie the past few weeks have been ROUGH. My back started to hurt so bad that I ended up in the Emergency Room. My heartburn is terrible, and I now take a medicine daily for that. Hormones are raging. One minute I am on top of the world, the next I am sad. I have stretch marks. Yes, gross. And guess what? They itch. Yes I said it, they itch so bad that it wakes me up in the middle of EVERY night. I have to put lotion on them and get an ice pack. I am always so tired. I feel that I could sleep at any moment but then when I try I can't. Because my back hurts, I can't really do much. I can't take walks or walk around Basel much. It is depressing. There, I said it all, and I like being honest. Throughout this pregnancy I have felt that women do NOT tell the truth when being pregnant. Yes, I get it, some have this amazing pregnancy where they gain 10 pounds, get zero stretch marks and have energy for days. This is rare. Where are all the women explaining how they really feel? Because of this lack of honesty it can make the process feel very lonely. I don't have a glow about me. This is TMI but really, women's sex drive goes UP?? Seriously? Seriously? Your sex drive goes up? I don't believe it in the slightest. I have now added 30 pounds to my already bigger boned body and my sex drive should go up? I have stretch marks all around my stomach that if I gasp at in the morning I know Andy is thinking what did I get myself into. Each night when I roll over there is a grunt noise that goes with it. I sound like a pig when it is growling for its food. Where in this equation does sex fit in? Now don't even get me started on HOW you actually have sex while 38 weeks pregnant. The images scare me.

I do get it. At the end of this 10 months of being pregnant there is a life that is born. So sweet. I do get that some women would KILL to have a baby. I understand my life will change forever the second I see this baby. That doesn't change the fact that getting to this point is hard. It is an emotional roller coaster that you ride for almost a year. Is it worth it, yes. But can we please be real about the hardships we endure while pregnant? Let's help each other out and be there for one another.

Mackenzie, hire a housekeeper

I know what ALL of you are thinking. Seriously, a housekeeper? For someone who doesn't work? My thoughts exactly. Life is so different for ex pats here in Switzerland. A lot of Americans hire housekeepers even when they don't work. There is a lot of money here and it is easy to get sucked into this, I deserve this lifestyle.... Shocking, yes. I am not pointing fingers at the mother's who have children. This is a different story. If you need a housekeeper then so be it. I am talking about us wives that don't have jobs or kids.

When I think of hiring a housekeeper, I think well then what would I do? So much of my time is spent cleaning this house. I will admit I am a bit OCD. I think because I don't work and therefore don't have an outside office this becomes my haven. I am hard on myself when it comes to this house. This is MY job. Andy leaves for work everyday and I am here. Here to tend to the wifely duties. I remember reading a chapter in The Duggars book where Michelle talked about how God will reward her one day for her wifely duties. She doesn't need nor want a pat on the back from anyone down here on earth. She knows that in God's eyes she is doing exactly what she needs to do. They are God's chores. When I look at it from this perspective I almost get giddy inside. To think that God is proud of me because I am attending to my role in the family. Now if the mother works OBVIOUSLY the duties are different. This is not a blog on women shouldn't work outside the home. I am merely talking about myself. I have to admit if a person came in my house every 2 weeks and cleaned it would make for a lot of extra free time. Free time I don't want. I have been trying to hide from free time for a year now. I have tried everything to make my life busier. At the end of the day I feel such a sense of accomplishment knowing I vacuumed the bathroom floor and did the laundry. I ironed the duvet cover (and it only took me a million hours) and I feel that I am contributing to my little family. I remember reading in a Christian book that we as wives are our husbands safe haven from the outside world. Wow, now that is shocking. WE are their safe haven. That there are so many evil beings in the outside world that when our men come home we have an enormous job on our hands. We have to fill our house with love and joy. The second Andy walks through the door I can't shout at him to put the dishes away. Who knows what he has been dealing with all day. It is up for me to be a listening ear and to fill his heart up with joy. One day I can remember being really down and sad about how I felt I hadn't done anything of substance in the past year. It can be really tough on someone's self esteem when they are not working and don't have kids. You find yourself constantly trying to find out who you are. Andy came over to me and said Mackenzie you have supported me for the past year. You have been a wife for the past year. It really hit hard for me. I was so happy that he noticed that and I knew it was true. Being a good wife and supporter is not easy at all.

Brussels and Brugge, Belgium

I don't even know where to begin. Andy and I had zero expectations going into our trip to Belgium. To be fair, no one really ever talks about Belgium. We knew we wanted to experience a different country as we keep going back to our favorite little cities. Jaimi and Jeff came to visit for the second time within a year. I feel so very blessed to have great friends that come so often. We all wanted somewhere where we hadn't gone before. So Belgium it was. We landed in Brussels on Thursday, April 11th. The flight was only a mere 50 minutes. Of course I love not flying for extended periods of time. I was 32 weeks pregnant and let's get serious I don't love flying. I know when I get to Heaven God is going to say, Wow Kenzie you prayed more prayers on a flight then any other time in your life. True story. Andy and I couldn't get enough of Brussels. It's a big city with a gazillion cafes, shops and restaurants. Our type of city. We love trying new places. Basel is getting a little small for us. I originally wanted to move to a small city because I didn't want to get swallowed by a foreign country. Now I feel ready for a new bigger adventure....

We checked into our Ibis hotel right in the heart of the city. It was late so we didn't care where we ate. We all did see a Chi Chi's and I could NOT get over it. Remember Chi Chi's growing up people?!?!? best queso dip EVER! I love Mexican because you can't get it in Basel. I crave it every single day. I kept bringing up the idea to go there. Everyone thought I was joking, I wasn't. I would have enjoyed every single drop of that queso. Did I mention their cheese is great? We found a restaurant named Cheesecake Cafe. Not to be confused with Cheesecake Factory. We got burgers and barf, the meat was disgusting. I ate a piece and then stuck to my fries.

Our friends J.P. and Nas, from London, met us the next day. We ventured over to a cool, very small Belgium brewery. It was self guided, which I liked because we could go at our own pace. Very neat to see, as all the workers were working as usual. We got to see them bottling up the beer on a conveyer belt. I just love experiencing unique things like this. Even though Jaimi and I couldn't drink we still appreciated it. We might have sipped on a beer or two....

Jaimi and I were a little frustrated as we were pregnant and couldn't drink the amazing Belgium beer. For most people that is the single reason they visit the country. We were happy we had each other though so we could vent about our frustrations. We just watched our husbands gulp down beer after beer while we sipped on water. I have such bad heartburn right now that I can't really enjoy any other drink but water. Although don't feel too bad for us as the food was OUT OF THIS WORLD. Talk about a Mackenzie country. Haha. Andy kept saying Kenzie, go get your waffle. Kenzie, I see you eyeing those fries go get some. I did realize how lucky I am to have a husband that could care less how much weight I gain during pregnancy. All Andy wants is for me to be happy. I feel very blessed.
 On every street corner my favorite foods appeared. I mean they have an endless supplies of FRIES. It was my heaven. My waffle consisted of nutella and strawberries. My mouth is watering just thinking about it. I was a little worried, being 32 weeks pregnant and keeping up with the group all weekend. It ended up being fine because all the men wanted to do was stop in cafes and try the different beers. I even at one point had to put my foot down saying we needed to experience things other than food and drink. I know, crazy right?

Brugge is a cool city too. Very small and quaint. I do love it but Brussels stole my heart. Brugge is very picturesque. Canals, cobblestone streets, a beautiful square. Gorgeous place! Our hotel was Hotel Academie and it was also right in the heart of everything. Very nice spacious room with a balcony :) Andy and I love hotels. It is so refreshing to be able to throw stuff everyone and not care. Well Andy does this at home or away but it is nice for ME :) Belgium is also known for its Mussels. We received an amazing recommendation from a hilarious bartender for a restaurant with to die for mussels. So, of course we went. I got the mussels with cream sauce and Andy got the mussels with wine sauce. Mine were so much better, haha. We took a boat tour of the city. It was nice to see all the different landmarks. Belgium doesn't have a lot of tourist attractions so it doesn't have the feel that you need to constantly be going from one place to the next. I liked this as most cities we go to we feel the need to see everything. It was very relaxed the whole trip. Great friends, great food and great drink. Nothing else more we could have asked for.

Trip home to Indy

Just went home to Indiana March 14- April 2nd. I cannot even explain how much fun I had. I had 2 baby showers, a birthday for me and my sister and endless nights of fun. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. I want to always remind myself that this life is not so normal for others. Some people would die to live a life like mine. I have so many loved ones that I can barely fit them all into 3 weeks time. These fun times makes it a tough transition to come back to Switzerland. In Indy from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed there is someone there to talk to. I am never thinking "what next" This just doesn't happen in Switzerland. I have to constantly work to be busy or to have someone to talk to. It can be very hard and exhausting. When I am in Indy I am mad at Switzerland. Mad for not having the exact life I want. It is a battle because it is so nice to get away and have just Andy and I. Zero drama and just time to focus on my marriage and family. It allows for Andy and I to grow so much. Although there are days where I just want life to be easy. Not always having to find that fun for the day but the fun just finding me.

I had 2 baby showers when I was home. One from Missy, my MIL, and one from my Aunt Pam. They were both so wonderful. Aunt Pam's was my family so it was an amazing time :) Baby G is sure blessed.

Moving apartments

Ever since I got pregnant Andy and I have thought about moving. It is human nature to think another human equals needing more space. We instantly thought our place was too small. I started looking at our apartment differently. I started seeing the negative things whereas before I loved every inch of it. I always felt blessed with a roof over our head and we were in the best location EVER. Andy and I have always said we wanted a great location over anything. I want to be able to walk outside and be by people and a Starbucks in a minute.

In Europe people don't spend much time inside. I know myself. If I have a bigger place with 5 rooms I am going to become a recluse. Especially because the huge apartment would be a lot further from the city. Ugh. Scary. Would I leave as much thinking I needed to get on 2 trams before getting there?

Andy and I also have a lot of friends here that have big apartments. We started thinking we had to upgrade right away because our place was nothing like theirs. So sad. That is not what God wants. God wants us to look at our homes and love, cherish, desire it. Here he is giving us this blessing of a house and we are saying it isn't good enough. Most of our friends here are in their later 30's and 40's. Their work contracts are ENORMOUS. Their work pays for everything. That is not the case with us. We just get a cost of living adjustment.

We need to stop comparing. It isn't what life is about? If we don't stop comparing, our whole lives will turn into one big failure. We will never be the richest.

When I look at our place with the vision of not wanting to leave, I am obsessed with our place. I love the lighting. I love our balcony. I love our huge family room. I love all the windows. I love our location times a million. Can't say this enough. Love our 2 bedrooms. Love how cozy it is.

There is enough space. Within these walls is so much love. I feel the closest families are the ones that have 5 people living in a 2 bedroom. God did not create this world for us to stay inside. He created the outdoors for us to explore.

It is safe to say we are staying in our cozy 2 bedroom with our Baby G

21 weeks

I had a very important ultrasound today. It was the ultrasound that sees if all of the organs are on target. :) Everything was perfect and I couldn't help but thank God a million times.

It seems like so much has to be perfect for this being to come out of you. It was such a long ultrasound as the doctor kept saying this looks fine, and yes this looks fine. I got used to her saying it that it seemed to be the normal. It seems so weird to think that there could have been one thing wrong and our lives could be different today....

Since Andy and I are not finding out we had to turn away from the ultrasound a lot. That was TOUGH. I so badly wanted to look :( It is such a hard thing not to find out what you're having. Thinking I have 19 more weeks to wait seems like an ETERNITY. It seems to easy for Andy. He doesn't even think twice about it :( With it being as hard as it is I know it will be completely worth it when the day comes. To me it just makes the day SO much more exciting. The weeks leading up with carry so much more emotion. I was thinking to myself if I had found out today what I was having, yes there would be a couple days of bliss but then life would continue back to normal. I am having a baby and finding out the sex all at the same time. This is exciting.

Baby G is 50th percentile in weight. Hopefully it stays like this. I would love a small baby :) Baby G moves A LOT. This was very fun to see.

As of today I haven't gained any weight :) I lost some during 1st trimester so I am still a little under my starting weight. This process of being pregnant and keeping another baby alive has taught me a lot about food. I was eating a lot more food thinking my body needed all these different nutrients and calories. I haven't been able to eat a lot during pregnancy and myself AND THE BABY are just perfect. My doctor even said if I ate a banana a day I would be fine... Just shows me that the human body doesn't need that much to live. Hopefully I can remember this when I am trying to get back to my weight after the baby.

Loss and heartbreak

Have you ever felt like your heart has been ripped out? It is a terrible, horrible feeling. It feels as if time has stopped. As if nothing else matters but what is lying in front of you.

I watched my Grandma die. The Grandma that made me peanut butter and honey when I was little. The Grandma that came to all my soccer games. The Grandma that played hide and seek with me, even though I always hid in the same place. The Grandma that bought me 1,000$ worth of presents every Christmas. The Grandma that took me to Tennis Tournaments every year. The Grandma that lived with me throughout my high school years. The Grandma that drove me crazy from time to time but second to my mom she made me into who I am today.

Grandma was a strong woman who fought for what she wanted. If she got a salad that looked wrong then it was sent back. If she wanted a job she fought for it. Hmm, wonder how my mom got her qualities. I grew up confident and independent because of her. She never needed a man to make her happy. She was everything she needed.

She had suffered from Alzheimer's for 12 years. That is a long time. I am not going to sit here and say that I haven't mourned throughout the years her loss. It is not as if her death now is some sudden thing. We knew it would happen. But like one of the nurses said, it doesn't make it easier. We still have lost Grandma Jo. In high school she lived with us in California. I can say I was very selfish at the time. I didn't understand what she was going through. I didn't have a lot of patience for her. I would get mad if she would forget something. I would get annoyed at little stuff. Oh how I wish I could go back and change the way I talked with her. I felt more sorry for myself then I did for her. I am crying just thinking about it because I would do anything just to wrap my arms around her now. I know that I can't go back and change it and I won't beat myself up about it. I was immature and stupid. It helped me grow into the person I needed to be. Grandma knew I loved her. I know I showed her that. We had so much great time together. Time I wish I hadn't taken for granted. Again I was too young to get it.

We got the call Friday afternoon. I was in Amanda's basement playing with the kids. My mom was out of the country on a cruise. Amanda answered and started crying. I knew it was about Grandma. I felt so sad but at the same time so happy that I was in town and not in Switzerland. I knew at that very moment that God had allowed for me to be in Indy with my family. I would have been devastated if I was gone. Grandma Jo's sodium was extremely high which meant lack of fluid. She was put on Hospice.

I never would have expected to see what I saw when I got there. My grandma looked like she was in so much pain. It wasn't even her. I tried to keep telling myself that but it is so hard. All these memories start coming back and the tears don't stop. I was a mess. So much that Amanda wanted me to leave to calm myself down. I have a bruised rib from coughing and I am pregnant.

In a weird, creepy way I felt the devil present. I felt this because my Grandma looked so unnatural. So not her strong self. I have felt the devil a lot lately and I despise it. Amanda would sit over her bed and pray to Jesus to come get her. It was such a precious time. Amanda brought in music which helped us. All of us sisters danced and tried to make it not so dramatic.

Nurses would come in and tell us how much Jo meant to them. They would cry and kiss her cheeks. Probably the hardest thing to see what that. So many people were obsessed with her. They would say that they loved her so much bc she was never mean to them :) Those nurses will never know how much their stories meant. Being there allowed me to realize how important it is to visit loved ones. Yes it is so hard to face that fact that people will die but we just have to do it. It makes you feel so much better.

Having my 2 sisters there and my mom was so very special. Now with kids, life is different. We never get that time with just us. As much sadness as is present in the room, there is overflowing love. We are such a close family that love just oozes out. Even if us sisters are always making fun of each other.

Saying goodbye on Monday was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had to say bye before she died to come back to Switzerland. I had to say goodbye to my mom at the same time. I kissed my Grandma on her cheek and sobbed. Then I hugged my Mother tighter than I ever have before. It is a moment I will never forget.

Grandma Jo. I know you are in Heaven and I will see you soon. I know you are dancing and telling people what to do. You are now my angel. I will pray to you everyday. I will take care of mom. I love you more than you will ever know.

Baby G 19 weeks

I am so happy. Baby G has started to move around so much. I am closer to 20 weeks now. Baby G keeps rolling around in me. Have to say it is the most amazing feeling in the world. I basically waited for 20 weeks to feel something and I finally did. It makes everything so real. It also gives me that feeling that everything is okay.

Ultrasound at 21 weeks to see if all the organs are ready. We are not finding out what we are having so this ultrasound won't be over the top exciting.

20 more weeks till we find out what we have!!!!!!! 20 more weeks till I get to hold Baby G. I am so excited.