14 weeks

*Zero morning sickness. 
*Have a little baby bump. 
*Still fit into all clothes. They are a little snug now.
*Still the same weight. Yipee. 
*Already having a hard time sleeping on my back. I sleep on my side. Weird. 
*Love waking up in morning because My bump is very hard and I feel like I can feel the baby. I know I can't but it is very hard and I never get tired of feeling it. When I get up from bed it's gone :( 
*All in all fairly easy pregnancy. 

Time sure does fly when your with loved ones

I always tell Amanda that even though life can be SO rough sometimes with 2 kids, just enjoy the ride. Enjoy the noise. Enjoy the chaos. Enjoy the tears, smiles, laughs.

I would do anything to have a chaotic life right now. I wish for loudness in my house. I wish for a messy household. Too much alone time is never a good thing. I went from being so busy in Indiana to not having much at all in Switzerland. My laundry day is my most packed day. When I don't have people here with me the clock seems to stop. When I had my mom and Steve here it was always, "it is already 5????" How does this happen? When we are with people we love we don't really think about anything else in the world. Everything that matters is there. I say loved ones because believe me I have been with people I didn't care for and time still stops then too. It is not fun picking through your brain of what to say next. I have prayed to God before some get together's. God, please give me things to talk about. HA. If you are reading this, believe me it is not you.

I can't wait for the moment my son or daughter comes home for the first time. June couldn't get here fast enough. I long for the sleepless nights and the jam packed days. I can't wait to feel my purpose in life. I know I will be a good Mom. Had I not had Switzerland I don't know if I would be feeling this way. I know a lot of people that have kids but don't feel the love and compassion I have. I have known what it is like to be for silence to GO AWAY. Most people would die for some peace and quiet. I have had too much. I will be a different Mom because of this experience. Before moving I always needed to be around people. I always was waiting for the next thing to happen. Coffee at Starbucks has now turned into a huge event for me. Oh boy, if I have a Starbucks outing today that might take up 3 hours of my time. I will enjoy the small moments. The less eventful moments of baby G just sleeping. I will know how much more the baby has added to my life. The silent moments will be few and far between. I can't wait.

Momma is in Switzerland

Can you believe it? My mom and Steve came to Switzerland. Probably one of the most exciting times of my life. I was so anxious at the airport that Andy was like Kenzie STOP, we will find them. I just couldn't wait to show off our new city. I also couldn't wait to just feel at home.

I took for granted all the years of my life where I always had people at any moment to be with. Moving to a foreign country has been the toughest experience of my life. There are moments where you feel so out of place you just want to hibernate and never come out. Having your mom here means all that fades away. I can be me. I don't have to fake smile or pretend to like something. My mom knows me best. It is 2 weeks of JOY. 2 weeks of never finding myself lonely or sad. 2 weeks of conversation whenever I want it. Boy is it lovely.

Of course I get extremely sick when they get here. I am 14 weeks pregnant and it has nothing to do with baby symptoms. I got a terrible cold-flu. I woke up Sunday night, throat almost closed and threw up a fun amount of times. Well the catch is we were supposed to leave for Salzburg at 6:45 in the morning. All of this happened at 3 am. What is great about being pregnant and being sick is that there really is not a lot of drugs you can take. Tylenol becomes your best friend. I used to laugh at Tylenol. It never did anything for me. Now it is my savior. I laid on the couch and prayed for healing. I prayed so hard because it is not everyday my mom is in Switzerland. I thought to myself if I just made it on the 6 hour train ride there I could sleep in the hotel till I felt better. I knew if I stayed in Basel I would have regretted it till the end of time. I can honestly say I can't recall ever feeling as sick as I did then. I got up and we were off to Salzburg.

Next Blog about Salzburg. Back to where I was. My mom just brought me green tea. This is what mothers do. If only Andy were a woman.... I need to take notes on how to be a great mom one day. Sometimes I think selfishness might get in the way. What if I don't want to make my daughter green tea? Oh well we will cross that bridge when we get there.

Talk about 2 people that don't complain at all. Steve and my mom came here with zero expectations and went with the flow the whole time. I am not just saying this because it is my mom but seriously it was the easiest 2 weeks ever. The answer was always we can do whatever. My mom and Steve always cleaned our house and made sure everything was perfect. I would be getting very emotional writing this blog but Andy and I go home to the States on Friday for a month. I don't really have to say goodbye to my mom. YIPEE!!! I feel blessed. 

We all have to struggle for God

Moving to a foreign country is anything but easy. A whole new group of friends, 6 hour time difference from the U.S, no sissies at your doorstep, a new language, new culture, no job and endless time on your hands......

There are a group of Expat women here. I came into the group a whole year after all of them have known each other. I did not know this at first and I wish I did. I was 100% the outcast. I felt like an alien. In my entire life I have never felt this awkward time and time again when hanging with these women. I thought of myself as an outgoing, somewhat funny person that could easily keep the conversation going. With these women it was so different. I instantly thought what is wrong with me? Am I weird? Am I shy? Am I hard to talk too? I am facebook friends with these women. Every time they put a status up every SINGLE one of them comments and likes it. I have never once gotten a single thing from them. Mostly I think because I put Bible verses on there. The world view now thinks that if someone is writing verses and talking about their faith they want attention. They want everyone to "think" they re this perfect Christian and life is perfect. If I would put a status of Monday's suck and traffic is so terrible I know I would get 15 thumbs up. Pathetic.

 I have always had my security blanket around me. I have never really had to try with people, it just naturally happens. Coming from a huge family I never really had to make friends because of all my family around me 24/7. Oh boy, did I take this for granted. It wasn't until college that I realized not everyone had the amazing family I did. Not everyone wanted to come home from college every weekend in fear of missing out on something amazing. Holidays are unexplainable. The joy I feel when just thinking about holidays is over the top.

I have never ever felt so different than I have here. I go to events and cringe inside because no conversation seems easy. Everything is so forced. Faces are red, there are long silent pauses, things I thought only existed in comedic movies.

From the very beginning I made it clear that I was a Christian. I said I went to church and I regularly attended Bible Study. I know for a fact this played into their doubt about me. They sometimes would look at me with this disdain look and thought that I thought I was better than everyone else. If they ONLY knew ME, they would know this is so far from the truth. Well what church do you go to? An International church, really? Are you Catholic? Where even is your church? Do they judge you there because that is why I don't do church.   Yes it is so much easier sitting there and pretending to not be religious. Everyone else does it so well. I guarantee if I would have been indifferent about God then I would have been accepted right away. So many people these days think if you proclaim your faith then you are one of those crazy religious people that judges everyone. The new world ideas are you should be a Christian but don't walk around acting like one because the other people that aren't will feel so different. There have been many occasions where some of the women have said comments about being Christian but in a very passive aggressive way. I mean Heaven forbid anyone think you really have a relationship with Jesus.

What has happened to us. It is so sad. You can open up the Bible and read it for 5 minutes and understand that is not what God and Jesus want from us. But I am the weird one. I am the outcast because I am praising HIS name.

There have been days of immense sadness and pain that I am not accepted into this "cool" group of women. Feeling like I am back in high school and have to prove that I will sleep with that popular guy just to fit in. (Just an analogy people). A feeling that maybe I thought I knew who I was at one point in my life but maybe I was all wrong. Maybe I am boring, shy, awkward, and too religious. They are questions that came to mind frequently.

I am in no way trying to compare my struggles with people of the Bible or people that get persecuted for their beliefs even today. I am just trying to share how lonely it can feel to be a believer of God. God does say people that follow Him will feel so alone at times. So judged for their beliefs. I can say I feel 1 ounce of what the men who followed Jesus felt. Questioning everything around you because no one else is like you.

I would be lying if I said it only brought me closer to God. I had days where I was so angry. Angry at Him for making it hard on me. Why can't I just be like everyone else. I already am away from family and making friends is hard too. It makes one question life. Why are we here if our goal is to just be in Heaven with our creator. It can be rough.

Would I change anything? Absolutely not. These hard months of rejection mean nothing when it comes to eternity in Heaven. I will continue to suffer everyday here so I can see what is waiting for me in His Kingdom. Has my relationship gotten stronger with my Creator? 100 times stronger. Yes there are days of hardship but I see the light.

Emotions Stable

At 11 weeks I am finally starting to get my emotions and depression stable. Although I have not been that sick this pregnancy, my emotions have been EVERYWHERE. It is really hard being in Switzerland and feeling depressed. I have never been depressed in my life so I didn't really know what to think. I had a mental block with God and I hated that the most. I just wasn't happy. I wasn't excited for the baby and I wasn't even excited to look at baby stuff. I did research and realized that this is normal so I never freaked out. I knew it would go away but it was a long few weeks that I felt like this. I wanted to document it so for my next pregnancy I will be aware of it.

I am starting to wake up happy again and want to do the normal things I used to do. These past few weeks I haven't wanted to do anything and that is not like me. Even when we are doing something fun I am not excited to do it. It is so reliving that it is gone now. It is a terrible feeling and I don't wish it on my WORST enemy. It made me look at depression differently too. There is NO way that you can just shake it. You have to take something to help you think correctly. I have so much more compassion for people that have this. It is rough and you feel alone. I felt ashamed to tell some people because I am always the happy positive one :(  Honesty is the best policy though.

I am starting to get SO excited for this baby. 2 more weeks and we have the ultrasound. We have bought some baby clothes so that is very exciting :)

Cheddar Cheese

Can you believe Basel doesn't have CHEDDAR CHEESE???? Well they don't. Along with a lot of other things. Now don't get me wrong I do like having a small grocery store with not a lot of options. It is not intimidating whatsoever and I usually end up getting the same things.

Although Americans take for granted how many options they have for FOOD. There are so many recipes here that you cannot make because Basel doesn't have it. I find my mouth watering weekly thinking of the deliciousness I could have in America but not here.

When you don't have the items here you realize how much you used them in the states. Cheddar cheese for example I must have used everyday because here I am crying everyday that I don't have it.

Heading to my grocery now to get the same items I get every week :)

10 weeks

So ever since I hit 10 weeks I have been feeling AMAZING. I feel like I shouldn't gloat because it might come back :) I will be 11 weeks in 2 days. At 13 weeks I am doing an ultrasound and my mom gets to come!!!! She comes in for a trip and I am so happy that she can come to such a big appointment. I feel like once I get through that appointment I will feel great about everything. I found out the most important things at this appointment.

I have lost weight because I can't eat much. I get full very fast and don't eat much during the day. I am okay with this because I am not gaining much weight. I would love to only gain 20-30 pounds. I will admit though that I want a baby bump and Andy wants me to have one too. We think it will make it feel more real. Right now because I don't look pregnant I don't really feel pregnant.

I am excited for the up coming weeks and how my body will change. Crazy to think when I see my family I will be 4 months and when I leave I will be 5. That means I need to get busy buying stuff when I get home!

Saddness and Henry

So there is a cat around our building that is literally the sweetest cat I have ever known. His owners have a wooden plank that they put from their balcony to the ground. It is genius. I have named him Henry. It was just a name that popped in my head. Andy gets home from work and says, "Henry is outside." I immediately open the window and start yelling for him. He actually turns his head to Henry now :) I have never really been a cat person so loving Henry is quite odd. I am way more of a dog person. For some reason when I see Henry he puts an instant smile on my face :)

Well today, Andy left for Barcelona for a WEEK. A week is a long time when you don't have a job. Plus it's just a long time for my best friend to be gone. A year ago we were so independent and would leave for 3 weeks at a time. Now I am so used to him being home that it is lonely when he is away.

This Monday morning I woke up sad and just said a quick prayer for God to push me out of it. I was meeting up with the girls for coffee at 9:30 so I got ready for that. Left for coffee and who was there to greet me, none else then Henry himself. I was elated. He came up purring and wanting me to pet him. How silly that a cat could make my day. But he did, and I am still smiling.

I guess it's the little things :)

Happy Monday.

Let there be light

I have been praying lately about getting out of the rut I am in. Pregnancy hormones and are REAL and they do make you a little crazy. It is not an excuse to be mean to people but you cannot really help it. All I can do is apologize to people and move on. I have felt a huge difference in myself thanks to God :)

Been having great days with some lovely women here. Makes the days go by faster and I love their company.

Finally getting overly excited about being pregnant. FINALLY. I will just be glad to get over the 12 week ultrasound to see if everything is good.

Started reading Babywise today. Love their methods. I know it is controversial but this is what I intend to do :)

Had to then pray for patience from God to allow me to not want this baby out now. There is a reason one is pregnant for 9 months. We need time to mentally, physically and emotionally prepare for a human being. Andy said what if women were only pregnant for 3 weeks, might deter women from ever having kids, right? HAHA. Jessie, my cousin said that once too. God is good for giving us almost a year to get ready for everything. We really do need it.

I am at week 10. I have started to feel A LOT better. I do not want to get my hopes us so I am staying a little quiet. If this is it then WHOA I escaped. I did have a terrible migraine yesterday that never went away.

It is Friday. YAY. I get a whole weekend with Andrew. He leaves for Barcelona next week so I am sad about that. 

Honesty

Recently I read a wonderful blog that was very raw and pulled at my heart strings. The honesty from the writer was what made it so real. I don't believe one can just be honest. I think honesty has to come from within. I think one has to search themselves to see how they are really feeling. Honesty is hard because at least for me it usually ends up in a new discovery of myself. Sometimes I don't want to be honest with myself or God because I know what the outcome might be. Change.

A few conversations have stuck out to me in the past few months relating to honesty. One was with a friend Rachel that lives here in Basel. She said it is hard to get to know people here because they are not honest. When asked how they are doing, most give the normal answer, good and you. Rachel says that is CRAP. They are not GOOD. They are sad, lonely, depressed, wondering why they had to move so far away from their secure world. Rachel said the thing that sucks is you can't get close and real with people when they aren't telling you how they feel. She says if people would just actually come out and say, you know what, today SUCKED big time, we would actually be getting somewhere. Honesty is powerful. How can we truly get close to someone if their answer is always, good? It's when we pour our hearts out that we cross that bridge with a person. It is when we are honest.

A recent blog is what caused me to write this blog. The words left me speechless and actually jealous that I didn't come up with something like that first. It left me feeling so much closer to the writer. This particular person has dealt with a lot of grief in her lifetime. A loss of a brother and son is a person's nightmare and for this person it is real life. She discussed being frustrated with God on some days because of her pain. She wrote that there are days where she feels very distant from God because she doesn't even know the words to say to him. Even writing this brings up pain in myself. I felt so close to her at that moment because I too have felt that way. Instead of being honest with myself and putting those feelings at the forefront I locked them away and threw away the key. By her saying this and actually feeling it, she is moving closer to finding the answers she needs. I will wake up frustrated and mad but not work through why. Or better yet I get so mad at myself for feeling this. I don't allow myself to feel pain and sadness because I know people have it worse. The unfortunate part is that I am only hurting myself because the truth is no where to be found.

Honesty leads to maturity, growth, confidence, self awareness etc. Instead of giving people the robotic answer of I am good. Think about it. Are you really good?

Baby G

Praise the Lord, I am pregnant. I have to admit when I first found out I was pregnant I was very shocked and it was an awkward feeling. I didn't really want to talk about it because I hadn't seen a doctor yet. I even felt like I couldn't thank the Lord yet because I wasn't positive I was pregnant. When I was home surprising my family I found out I was pregnant. What a fun time to find out I am pregnant?? I wasn't around Andy though and that was a bit tough. You definitely want to be around your husband during this time.

These 2 weeks were rough because I was feeling pregnant but I just wanted to see a doctor to confirm it. We hear all this negative information on the news all the time about miscarriages and it is hard not to believe it could happen to YOU. I didn't feel closer to God during this time. I felt further away. All my fault. I felt the Devil seeping into my thoughts and controlling my mind and heart. AWFUL, I know. It is sickening to think about. I am still working on this.

We went last Friday, October 26th at 9:30 a.m. to see the doctor at the Frauen Clinic. We live in a foreign country so yes I was nervous thinking about how different it would be from America. Walking into the clinic, I just felt a calming sensation. Again this is God making me feel at ease. Even when I turn from him, he doesn't turn from ME. I am blessed. I had my blood pressure taken and the doctor said, are you nervous, your blood pressure is high? I said, haha YES. I am very nervous. Then my doctor called me in and did the normal exam. She spoke good English and I felt very comfortable. She then did the ultrasound and there was the HEARTBEAT. It is honestly the cutest little thing in the entire world. It wasn't really a crying moment for Andy and I. It was more a OMG that is so sweet and CUTE. Switzerland is very laid back with rules on what not to do when pregnant. All I got was wash your hands after handling meat. HAHA. Love it. I also did not know you are not supposed to fly in your first trimester and that is why I got so sick during this time. YIKES, that scares me.

My 12 week appointment is in 4 weeks and my mommy gets to come. I AM SO HAPPY!!

Symptoms so far: Note, I said so far. I have reason to believe I might be getting more....
Very tender Boobs. I want to chop them off they hurt so bad.
I get chills a lot
Very full all the time, can't eat very much at all. Fine by me because I have lost weight.
Very tired all the time.
Get winded very easily.

Updates soon!!!

Astray

Frustrated that when I have everything going my way I get away from JESUS. I absolutely hate this and feel that there is NO excuse for this.

Every time I go home to Indiana I leave God a little bit because I have everything I need. I have my beautiful family and I feel no sense of loneliness. UGH, again I hate this. I shouldn't be turning away from God I should be praising and thanking him for giving me the opportunity to see my family. I am now a month into feeling astray from my savior.

Today is the day I need to get back to my normal. When I am not in tune with God, I am a different person. Why do I not remember this? Sometimes I feel like I have the answers and I can do it all. Ha, yeah right. The second I think this I will fall flat on my face.

I love you Jesus and I am truly sorry.

Maldives

Where do I even begin?

Heaven is what Maldives is. Pure paradise from sun up to sun down. The wildlife in the ocean was breathtaking. From sharks to stingrays, from turtles to stingrays. We were blessed to be able to stay in a hut on the ocean for a few nights. This time with Andrew is pretty much indescribable. "I know this is what Heaven looks like" were words blurted out every 20 minutes. We had a ladder on our hut that lead to the ocean. I, who is scared of everything dove right in. I knew this was something I might never experience again. I have to admit I get quite emotional writing about it. Andrew and I have had a lot going on our first year of marriage. A lot of you might be thinking, yes a year of what people would kill for. As we have had amazing times it still was the hardest year of my life. Getting married and for the first few months he left for Europe every 2 weeks. We didn't feel like we had a "home." Then last March we moved away from my family, my everything to move to Switzerland. The Maldives symbolized us getting through our first year and making it on top. Andy and I were able to stay so very close during this year and it is all thanks to the LORD above. This move didn't separate us, rather made us closer.

The other beautiful thing about Maldives is how you feel completely disconnected from life. No phones equals my dream. Especially for Andy because he gets a lot of calls from work a lot. Oh, I forgot to mention this was our first week vacation ALONE in 5 years. We didn't even know what to think about it. 10 whole days with just us two. We were either going to kill each other or leave cuddly as ever before. Luckily it was the 2nd thing :)

The staff in the Maldives still makes my heart full. I honestly wanted to cry every time I had contact with them. The smiles on their faces and their willingness to do whatever they needed to do to make my time perfect, they did. I didn't want to leave them. ever. I wanted to adopt all of them as family. It was hard not to think of the Swiss people and get anxiety about what I had to return to. The Swiss don't have this love overpowering their bodies. The Swiss have everything they need so they don't bother with anyone else. It is quite sad actually. Too much money is never a good thing.

Some thoughts:
*The food wasn't great.
*Loved getting alcohol whenever we wanted! We had the all inclusive.
*The infinity pool was my favorite. It flowed into the OCEAN.
*Snorkeled with Andrew one day. UNBELIEVABLE!!! I saw more fish in 30 minutes than in my WHOLE life. I looked up at one point and there was a barracuda staring at me!!! Ahh so scary!!! I felt very close to Andy because everytime I got scared I held his hand. I was just waiting for a shark to come get me :(
*We stayed in a Beach cabana for a few nights and then a ocean hut the rest. (Ocean hut was my favorite)
*We met some neat people, some thought my name was Gabby. HAHA.
*We pretty much had the same routine everyday. Wake up, go to pool, eat, go home shower, go to dinner, and then get drinks till last call at midnight.
*Got to see Andy do a night dive. This was AWESOME. He got hit by a manta ray. CRAZY.
*The hotel had a light on a pier that attracted fish, sharks, turtles and manta rays. We went here every night to see these gorgeous creatures. This was so fun :)
*Loved looking at the stars. We could see the southern cross bc we were so close to the Equator. Stars were UNBELIEVABLE!!!
*Just in awe at God's creations. Being in the middle of the Indian Ocean led me to feel closer to God. 

Haven't written in awhile

Every time I think to write I think of it as this big task. Often times then I don't do it because I feel it will take too much time. My mom makes a good point when she says that it doesn't always need to be this published piece of writing, it can just be random stuff. When I look back at my writings when I get older I doubt I will care about the quality of the writing. I also want my children to read these one day. How awesome to have blogs from every important event in my life?? I have to keep these going!!

The Small Things

Small things have started to make me so happy. I have prayed for this new era to begin. I want God to allow me to feel content in every moment of my life. I want the small things to feel like big things. Here is what I am so thankful for everyday.

Coffee in the morning. (Nothing brings me such joy then a morning coffee)
Bible Time. I feel so refreshed after this.
Sitting in silence to think.
Reading. (I never ever thought I would like reading. Starting to love it)
Having a clean house. The smell of a clean house is just way too exciting for me.

That is all at the moment :)

God Bless.

You always want what you can't have.

Since getting back from Indiana I thought to myself I need a job. I am bored, I am not contributing anything to society. The devil started sitting on my shoulder making me feel terrible about everything that was going on in my life. I fell into his trap and for a week or so thought very low of myself. I started forgetting all the wonderful things I do for Andy, myself and our marriage. The laundry is always done. The house is usually extremely clean. There is always something delicious in the refrigerator. If Andy needs a chore done, I am on it by the next day. All of this seemed to be a distant memory. Someone offered me a full time job and I immediately jumped on the career bandwagon. Well I do feel inadequate about being a stay at home housewife, so let's start working 40 hours a week. Landed an interview and started praying about what was next. It never ceases to amaze me how much God will pull you back to reality. God quickly made me realize how much I do for my marriage and Andy. I started feeling sick to my stomach thinking that if I was working full time none of the stuff that used to be done would now be weekend stuff. By weekend I mean Saturday till about 5, because that is when everything closes for the rest of the weekend. It isn't about the 30,000 paycheck I get each year to "contribute" to our family. I, unlike a lot of people don't have to work. I should feel extremely blessed and continue to thank God everyday for such a wonderful life. There are other ways God wants to use me and it doesn't have to be in the working world. I also have an amazing husband that says all he wants is my happiness. We don't need the money is what he shouts out very early on in our conversation. I instantly start crying and fall into his arms thanking him for being such a huge supporter. He is so thankful for every single thing I do in this marriage and he will never know how much it means to me. I sit here now realizing how much I love every single thing about my life. It took a week of feeling very vulnerable to a job interview to realize that. Sometimes we need to fall in a hole to see how wonderful our life truly is.

Silence

Have you ever just sat by yourself without any other noise on around you? The first time I did this I almost felt this creepy feeling. I am so not used to silence. I almost didn't even know what to do, what to think. I almost always have either the television on or the radio. I always have labeled myself as one of those people that have to have some sort of noise on in the background. Being alone in Switzerland a lot I have had to change up my routine on a numerous occasions so I don't go insane. Recently I started once a day for at least 30 min turning everything off around me. The windows are open because we have no air conditioning so I can hear the birds chirping. I am in awe at what happens when there is nothing left to do but think my own thoughts and think of how I feel in that very moment. Think of where my life is, where it is headed. If I am actually content. What things I need to work on. I also use this time to pray. It is such an emotional time for me, it might sound dumb but it really is. I find myself crying sometimes. Just because I feel so many emotions at one time and it is my time to just let everything out. Almost like a diary but it isn't written. No distractions. Just me, and myself alone. It brings a lot of issues on the table. For me, in this very moment I don't feel like I am contributing enough to this world. I need to be volunteering and thus I am trying to find some of that here. Silence allows us to truly find ourselves. Who are we? Why are we sad? Why are we happy? I used to just hate the thought of being alone. It almost made me sick to think of sleeping alone by myself. I have found that not one person can truly make me happy but myself. If I am not truly content with being alone then how am I really defining ME? I would never want to measure my own worth by someone elses standards. I want to be me. So much of the time we throw our thoughts-saddness-confusion to the back of our minds and think we forgot about it. In a matter of time all of that darkness comes out of us in a terrible way. Silence allows for us to be our own therapist and try to work through our own issues.

Dieting

When I got back from Indiana I wanted to go on a little diet to get back on track. Andy and I are going on a beach vacation in 8 weeks so I thought it would be a great thing to get my body back. I eat very healthy and workout but the weight just does not fall off like it used too. I am in no way making an excuse but it is very frustrating. I have always had a slow metabolism but now it is very tough to lose weight. The older I get the more secure and confident I am though which is nice because I never want to obsess about weight. As long as I am healthy and working out that is all that matters. Sure I would like to lose 10 pounds but what girl wouldn't?

I never knew how much I loved the thought of food until I started this diet. I am not taking like fish and chips, I am just saying any food. Yogurt, bananas, apples always sounds amazing to me. I started Atkins last Monday. Mostly because it is a diet where you see the results the quickest. After about 2 weeks a person should lose 10 pounds. Whew, that would be nice. The problem is keeping it off after that and the 2 weeks are pretty much hell, especially in carb-beer heaven Europe. I had zero idea that it would be this hard here. America has so many options when it comes to all kinds of diets. Atkins food overloads the shelves in the grocery stores. Not here at all. People in Europe don't do diets. They portion and walk everywhere. Another very hard thing about being on a diet is when you are married and your significant other loves you the way you are it is very hard to stay motivated. I did not add the line for jealousy from people I am just being honest. My husband doesn't want me to be a skinny mini. He loves me for how I look so it makes it very tough to stay on track. I am a very confident woman too so when it comes to obsessing about being 10 pounds you have the wrong girl. I just want to feel good.

I have to say last week was one of the longest weeks of my entire life. Every second of everyday ticked by me as I longed for something other than babybel cheese or eggs. That is the other thing here meat is super expensive so it isn't like I can just stock up my fridge with all the meat I would like. I literally would see a food commercial on television and my mouth would water so much it would start to hurt. Yeah, don't tell me it has never happened to you before. Wendys? Taco Bell, late night commericials AHH? In the first 2 weeks of Atkins you are allowed no fruit. This is very hard for me to comprehend because fruit is so good for you. Not to mention I am obsessed with it. I could eat it all day everyday. Each hour seemed to be a struggle for me. This is also a result of not working. When you are on a diet and not working it is a recipe for disaster. Diet consumes everything. When I was teaching it was so easy for me to not even think about food. I also would never want to look back on my Europe experience and remember dieting. UGH. I threw in the towel this week and got fruit. Yes it will take longer to lose weight, but you know what it is so worth it. The most valuable lesson I learned from dieting and still am learning is how much we actually do put in our bodies. When we diet we consider every single calorie down to a piece of gum. It has made me very aware of those extra calories I do not need everyday. I will try to go low carb-portion control my whole life because it really isn't that hard. Instead of 2 pieces of bread, have 1. My biggest issue when I get fries is I want them all. I have to think to myself I can have 4 or 5 and then give the rest back to the waitress. This is a sensible way of living, not holding yourself from most everything good in life.

Speechless

I am not quite sure what to title this post. I met with a woman from my church today named Christina. She is an amazing woman of God and is a missionary over here in Basel. She just recently left Zurich to come here. She has Swiss cousins that live in Zurich so she has learned a lot about the culture. I am always trying to get as much info as I can out of people about the Swiss. They are just so mysterious. The more I find out about them the more I am so glad I am not Swiss.

They teach Sex education starting at 6 years old here. They are encouraged to pleasure themselves and explore their bodies during rest time. They are told about sex and that it is natural for them to do it. Most people lose their virginity here at 13 and that is normal. Sickening to me. I asked well geeze why are there not more babies running around and she said because they all get abortions. In Switzerland abortion is seen as okay. Then she proceeded to say that there are Suicide clinics here where you go and talk to 2 doctors and if they clear it then you can kill yourself. I was and still am in shock. It all makes me feel very distant from Switzerland. This is something I will need to pray about. I can't seem to see the Swiss in a good light when I am learning all this terrible information about them. These people need the Lord.

Proud to be from the Midwest

I never thought that I would actually be so happy to tell people I am from the Midwest. I get this smile on my face when I say it. Isn't that silly? I am often told stories about how people go to Indiana and can't believe how nice people are. Yepp! That is where I am from. :) Where people wave when they don't know the person. Neighbors who jump to help another in need. It all makes me so proud. That would never ever happen in Europe. Everyone is out for themselves. It is quite sad but I have learned to live with it because I know one day I will be back in Indiana.

Then there is the religious aspect. Wow, have I been sheltered in good ole Indiana. I have always been surrounded by people who believe that Jesus died for our sins. (Different from just believing in A god) I had no idea that so many people don't believe in our God. Oh, how said it makes me. I know this is a harsh statement but for most people they live such an empty life. I live everyday knowing that Heaven is where I will be for eternity. I don't know if I could live a happy life without knowing this. Thank God I have my church out here because boy would I feel lonely. Every single person I meet here has zero relationship with God. It leaves me to feel very lonely. Since God is such a big part of my life, it is hard not to be able to talk about it much with them. Often times I get weird looks when I talk about my pastor and my church here. This is the first time in my life where I feel extremely vulnerable.  At home I have so many people that would agree with me and challenge me to be a better Christian. I feel so lucky that I grew up in a loving, Christian family, in the Mid West. Amen, praise the LORD!!!!

Learning from Andy

It has been 5 years yet I feel like I have been with Andy for my entire life. I think this is because I have been with him my whole adult life. I have grown so much as a person with him. I get so frustrated when people say they got a divorce because they were too young and they both changed too much. This is an excuse if you ask me. I had so many people think I was too young to get married. Really? When does God intend for us to get married? Why have so many relationships worked when the man and wife get married so young. They grow together, not apart. They allow God to help them learn from each other. Yes I have grown up so much over the past 5 years, but this has only made me closer to Andy. God has always said 2 is better then 1. I learn from Andy each and every day. I used to want Andy to be just like me, oh boy is that scary to think about. Why doesn't he get so excited when I tell him a story? Or why does he not want to do this or that? God created men and women different for a reason. Together they are supposed to fit perfectly. Instead of wanting him or us to be different I have started to love the differences. It makes our marriage so much more thrilling. Each week I try and find out something I didn't used to know about him. It can be a struggle sometimes but I try to watch him and see the different things he does all the time. Just found out that Andy has no routine whatsoever. He sometimes gets breakfast at the train station, sometimes doesn't. Rarely goes to the same place. Sometimes has 3 coffees a day other times none. I mean I could predict he was like this because he is not an organized person but to hear it is hilarious! I am such a routine girl. I want my same Starbucks everyday. I like to workout at the same time everyday. I like to read and watch T.V. at certain times in the day. Ahh how different we are :) I learned how inpatient Andy is. I mean yes sometimes I get angry because he will stop me from doing something so he can do it. I hate that. But I had no idea just how inpatient he was until we started putting together the IKEA stuff. Andy is used to being good at all of his jobs. So when something doesn't fit within 10 seconds of putting together the furniture then he is upset. I am a teacher so of course you can fill in the blank. I am very patient. Everything I learn about Andy allows for me to understand him more and be more compassionate for certain things. 

New experiences

When I signed up to move to Switzerland I had no idea the hardships that were coming my way. I am pretty positive that God just wanted to give me peace at the moment. God allowed for me to be so excited to move here that I wasn't thinking about all the things it takes to actually "move." No offense but moving within the States is a piece of CAKE compared to moving to a foreign country. If you need something in the states then you go somewhere and speak in English. Switzerland is a German speaking country and is very set in all of its rules....

We have to buy bebbi saggs at the Grocery. These are 24 Francs which is about 30 U.S. dollars. You only get about 10 at a time, and they are pretty small. Trash is Tuesday and Friday and you set it out the night before on the sidewalk.

We have so much IKEA cardboard but that can only be bundled ONCE A MONTH. Holy cow this is hard. Our whole apartment is full sometimes of it.

No laundry on Sundays and no laundry on holidays. Well in Switzerland there are a lot of holidays :) Cannot make noise on Sundays. Meaning no vacuuming, and well just zero noise.

Everything is closed on Sundays. Everything. Meaning anytime we need to run an errand together it has to be Saturday. This has lead to me doing a lot on my own and just figuring stuff out.

I didn't even think about the fact that we would have to buy all of our furniture for our apartment. Not only did we buy it but we went to IKEA and had to assemble all of it. 3 huge closets, a bookshelf, out door furniture, 2 kitchen tables and a huge closet in our foyer. Let's just say this was a very stressful time in our relationship. 2 people trying to put together furniture is not something you want to try your first year of marriage. If I felt like Andy was talking to me in a mean way I would freak out. If he thought I wasn't working hard enough he would ask if I was mad. During this whole process I was so mad. I asked God why we had to put all of this together. Why couldn't we just have moved into a furnished apartment like other people I know. It would have saved us such us weeks of turmoil. God, like always, gave me the answer. He gave us this obstacle because we grew so much during it. Throughout these past 2 months we have had to work together on everything. Not one thing was easy here in Switzerland. Nothing worked as planned. Nothing. In our first year of marriage we have tackled more then most people have in their whole life. So many things I used to think were such a big deal are a joke to me now. I look back at life in the U.S. and see how simple people have it. The hardest months have come and gone. The homesick months, trying to set a routine, keep a good marriage, meeting people, finding a church, setting up house. It feels as if from now on we can sit back and admire all of the growth that has occurred. 

Working out again!!!

I told God that all I wanted in life was to not be hurt anymore. I told him I would be completely content with EVERYTHING if I could just work out and not feel pain. It has been over a year that my body has been in pain. I would walk down the street and feel shooting pain down my legs and in my tailbone. I would pray everyday just to be normal again. I would think to myself I am only 24, this cannot be happening. A big reason I was so happy to move out to Basel was I knew I could just focus on getting back to my old self. I am extremely happy 20-30 pounds less then I am right now. Not that I fixate on my weight but to be my perfect, healthy, athletic self would be amazing. If I want to be a mom in the next 2 years I want to be the best mother I can be.

I have found that the harder I push myself, the more my body returns back to normal. Isn't this odd? I would feel that the harder I pushed, the worse I would feel. Well for the first year this was the case, now for some reason it is all working out. My PT did say that I needed to get my core strong because that is the structure that supports everything else. I think I hurt myself when I was lifting for 6 months with my mom. I didn't ever stretch after, so I think I took a toll on my body. :(

Back to the point of this blog. I can WORKOUT NOW!!!! I am so excited!!! I walk to the gym, workout for an hour, and walk home from the gym. Not to mention all the walking day to day just running errands. I am writing this because I always want to remember what I promised God. If he gave me my body back that is all I wanted in life. I cannot take it for granted one bit. I thought for the rest of my life I wouldn't be able to be fit again and now I am given a 2nd chance. I know that being in Basel, and having Andy work a lot I need to be able to get my stress out in the gym. 2 hours of my day everyday is devoted to the gym! Without this, I honestly don't know what I would do. Whenever I get sad about something, I pinch myself and remember what life was like before :) 

The fear of cooking.

All of you know that I do not like to cook. I would way rather go out to eat every single night. In Switzerland, this is just not practical. The minimum amount for a dinner for 2 with wine is 100$. I also know that when I have kids I will be cooking a lot more too. This blog is not meant to judge others because I myself am just starting out in the wonderful world of cooking. I, honestly wouldn't even call it cooking..... I also am not a health nut either, as you will see I love pastas and meat!

It is hard to start cooking over here because the measurements are all different from the U.S. Not to mention all of the directions are in German.  Also meat here in Switzerland is very expensive so I can't make meat too much without the grocery bill being enormous.

 A lot of what I find in America is when we cook we make these massive meals. So much food goes to waste or worse becomes part of our love handles. We cannot make spaghetti without the garlic bread. Oh and we must have a salad so we have the veggies too. Why not just spaghetti and a salad? Or just spaghetti? I mean we have been told that dinner needs to be our smallest meal yet we splurge and make huge meals because that is what we have always been told what to do. If I don't make a big meal for my family then I am not a good wife, or husband in some cases. Why don't more people cook breakfast foods for dinner? Eggs? Bacon? Eggs is one of the healthiest things we could have and so easy to prepare. We think because it is so easy to prepare it shouldn't be a dinner item. Well to be honest by the end of most dinners we have consumed about 700-1,000 calories. More people would cook in America if they didn't think it was such a long tedious process. That is the thing that scared me the most. Oh my, I have to first go get all of the items and then every night cook it, all. I find that if I don't scare myself with a the thought of preparing a huge frightening meal, I love staying in and making a home cooked meal.

I have been doing a lot of research on microwaves lately and not liked what I have seen. I also recently talked with a Scientist at Andy's company about the effects of a microwave. He had nothing good to say. He basically said all of the nutrients are taken out of the food, not to mention there is a huge link to cancer. Obviously he said, there is balance within everything. He says his family has to use it for certain things too. Well the Swiss don't really "do" microwaves. Which makes it pretty easy for Andy and I not to use one. We have been living without one for about 6 weeks and haven't thought a thing about it. I mean I am not going to lie it is very hard to pass up some of the microwaveable items in the grocery. Although I know how much healthier I am being with not using one. 

I am all about making amazing salads for dinner. Chop up some tomato, mozzarella, avocado and you have an amazing meal. It is normal here for people to eat a lot of bread and cheese so I will have that as my side too. Again, we don't need to make a production of dinner every night. They have a lot of pastas here that are pre-made and have delicious cheese in it. Andy and I have this about 2-3 times a week. Now, we cannot go back to regular spaghetti because stuff filled pasta is so yummy. We just bought a grill which is nice too because we can grill out 1-2 times a week too. I am trying to find lean beef here but sometimes that can be tough :( We also pop in pizza a lot too. It is so good and we both only need a couple of slices to make us full. We want to start creating our own but being over here, and buying all the ingredients will be a lot of money.

Love and Marriage

I never knew that I would love being married this much. I guess it also has to do with the fact that so many people divorce and I feel so lucky. Lucky to have found such an amazing man that adores me, and lucky to love being married. In our society we constantly hear such negative things about marriage. It is truly sad. God intended for us to be married because 2 is better then 1. I often look across the table at Andy and think, he is honestly my best friend. I never in a million years thought I would actually marry my best friend. Not taking ourselves too seriously is a major plus in our marriage. We make jokes all the time to each other. Yes, sometimes I will admit we can go to far, but mostly it is all in good fun.

I have put probably 20 pictures around the house of our marriage. Not including photo albums. I know I mentioned this once before but this is so important. I look at how happy we were on that day and it puts the biggest smile on my face. I look at Andy and think of how our children will look. I get so excited just thinking about how amazing of a dad he will be. I used to be the one always pointing at cute babies and he thought I was so weird. Now he is the one doing it. Just the fact that I have someone in my life that lifts me up and makes me a better person is unexplainable.

It is almost 1 year of marriage and I feel like I have been married for 100. Here is to the next 30 years :)

My purpose in Basel

I have prayed so hard to God to make me feel like I have a purpose in Switzerland. Not just to not feel lonely but also that I am living out God's plan. I had no idea that in Europe, people either don't talk about their religion or they don't have one. In the Midwest people speak open about it constantly. God has now shown me 3 friends that are non believers. God has given me the strength to basically word vomit that I am a Christian, and I love the Lord. For some reason in the first 15 minutes of meeting these new people I am so proud to blurt out the fact that I am a believer. This is not my personality at all so I know the Holy Spirit is working within me. I have also gotten to the age to where if you don't accept me for me being a strong Christian then I don't need you in my life. I accept non believers, and in fact I know more people that don't believe then do, so why are you judging me?

I have had the amazing opportunities to have conversations with friends about the Lord. I, myself, obviously don't know that much but I can share what I do know. A lot of times I will recommend a book or tell them to research it to get to the "right" answer. It makes me feel so much joy to have such a great friend like God that is with me all the time. I am often alone here but I feel His presence all the time. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. I never thought at my age I would feel so close to Him. It makes me love Andy so much more too. Knowing that I married a man of God attracts me to him so much. That he guides his life by principles of the Lord :) I could have never married differently but still it is so comforting that I found such an amazing man. I want others to feel how happy I am everyday. I want everyone to know that they don't have to be scared of death. Death is just the beginning of the most amazing life possible. Through many family and friends I have been taught to pray about EVERYTHING. God wants us to always be praying so praying for a parking spot is not dumb. He wants to hear us always. This has changed my life too. I once was such an anxious person. I still struggle some with this, but nothing like I used too. I would worry so much about my future when really I cannot control any of it. Now I put every single thing in God's hands and He takes care of it. I mean how amazing is that. That God wants our pain and suffering. I moved out to Switzerland with Andy knowing that God would provide for me. I knew God would strengthen my marriage and understand the sacrifice I made to move here with him. Is it so hard being away from my family? More then you will ever understand. There are moments when I look at a picture of my niece and nephews and my heart sinks. At that very moment in time the world stops. I get overwhelmed with such sadness that I cannot go hug my family. I pray instantly and God makes it all better. I know, He knows it is so tough for me to be away. He is rewarding me for doing all of this. I live an absolutely amazing life in Basel where I don't need to work. Not a lot of people ever end up living like that.

I am Blessed.

Pastors message on Easter

Andy and I have found a church in Basel and could not be happier. It is a small church so there really is no blending in. Which we need in Basel because that is the only way we are going to meet others and stay connected. Our church back home is huge and wouldn't ever make me feel like anyone would know if I was missing. This church is different. It is non denominational, which Andy and I both are and it is obviously in English.

The message he had today was just what I need. To be blunt a lot of Christians need it. Some of us spend so much time doing rituals and traditions that we don't have an actual relationship with God. Our pastor went on to say that God doesn't want any of this. He just wants us. He wants us to turn to HIM at all times. A major point was that we shouldn't sit around and feel bad for things that have happened in the past, or in the present/future. God gave us his son, Jesus so that our sins are washed away. How amazing is this? I so much sit around thinking that God and Jesus are disappointed in me. This is not true. God sees us as perfect creations that he himself created. Now this does not mean we can go around sinning all the time not caring about the consequences. It is just to say that we shouldn't be fixating on what we are doing wrong. We are wasting precious time with our Lord. Let us be gracious and happy that Jesus has risen and given us ETERNAL life. What we do on this life sets us up for our eternal life. That is huge. (This is all the pastors talk, not mine) I just feel so refreshed and rejuvenated after this service. I am going to strive to stop worrying so much about everything I am doing wrong and focusing more on a close relationship with the one and only!!

Lots of thoughts

There are so many thoughts running through my head about potential new blogs I want to write about. Therefore I just thought I would write all my thoughts in one to get them at least all written down. I used to laugh at people when they said writing was so lethargic. I used to think how? You still think about what you wrote down. Now I think differently though. When I write things that are on my mind, there is a weight lifted off my shoulder. I think to myself, I have it written down somewhere so I can one day go back and read it. Being in a foreign country, I have to write a lot to get my feelings out. I have also noticed what a difference working out does for me. I give the elliptical a run for its money when I am on it. I just have so many different emotions every hour that I just let it all out on the machine.

I have only been here 3 weeks and have had to do more in this short amount of time then in my life. Since I have older sisters and amazing parents I haven't had to do much. Everything is usually laid out for me. Then I marry Andy. He is someone who wants to do it all. I like taking the back seat. I don't need to be the leader. It obviously works great for our marriage. There is no power struggle. Although here when Andy is working most of the day and with things being closed on Sundays I have to figure it out. In the past if something didn't work, 1-5 on my speed dial worked just great to ask my family what to do. Ha. Here it is not that easy. Andy says we need a shower curtain. Well in the States you would drive to Target or Walmart. Nothing like that exists here. Not to mention everything is in German so a lot of times I just walk into a store and look for it. Most of the times it isn't as simple as saying, "Do you have Shower Curtains? I have to learn the German first before embarking on the journey. Well by the time I have gotten to the store, I have walked to the tram station, bought a ticket, gotten on the tram, tried to blend in with other Swiss, gotten off tram,  and finally walked to destination. By the time I get there instead of saying the correct Haben Sie eienen Duschvorhang? I say something along the lines of Sie Habe Hangduscher? Who names something duscher anyway? Side note. (This is a weird term in the US. Name it something else. As my face gets red when I say it.) And with no phone to help me out, I end up acting as a mime to draw out a shower curtain. Everyone knows how good I am at Art too so I cannot imagine what I look like trying to do this. 

I still have no phone, no internet, no cable, no lights in our apartment. All things, that to me, are necessary. I mean a big reason why I moved here was because I knew how easy it was to skype my family in a split second. Also, people that cannot live without Kardashian or Real House Wives drama is non existent in my book.

Europe is a go with the flow place. I honestly don't think a person could live here who had high anxiety or OCD. Not pointing any fingers here. Cough Cough. The only thing that goes in trash here is very few items. All plastic, aluminum, glass, newspaper has to be taken 5 minutes away, separated into their right bins. All of these bottles just stack up on the counter until you feel the need to drop them off. No washing clothes or vacuuming on Sundays. This is a way to cut off all noise on Sundays. Most everything is closed too which is a huge change for me. Do the Swiss really stay all day in their tiny little apartments with the WHOLE family. Yikes. Cause for disaster in my book. Sorry Andy.

Another hardship here is people from Switzerland speak Swiss German. I know I have mentioned that before. I am learning German over here and working hard at it and want to practice with the locals. Well if they speak Swiss German to me then I look at them like they just shot my dog. HUH??? Is this a language? If they know English is my first language then they won't attempt speaking German with me. They will only try English. Our Realtor said that I should make the other person speak German back to me. I am laughing just thinking about saying that to someone. Keke don't work like that. I get scared when a Swiss person looks my way. Geesh. 

Swiss people stare. A lot.

In America we get this idea that in Europe anything goes. They are all so free spirited that nothing matters. No shirt, dreadlocks, no problem. Well Switzerland is different. At least with the older generation that is. They are very modest. The Swiss can do what they want. If you aren't Swiss though you can't. As my friend said, they can smell a non-Swiss from anywhere. They really can. I walk down the street and feel people everywhere staring at me. This is such a frustrating feeling because I just moved here. I already feel lonely and don't need the added whispers saying I look different. For your information, I like my yoga pants and Nike shoes. I dont' want to dress up every freaking minute of my life. I don't want to push my stroller in 10 inch heels. I didn't even know this was possible. Oh, but it is. Not to mention I feel like a water buffalo here. Everyone is so freakishly skinny. UGH. Sorry that I don't want to smoke and drink all day everyday. I like eating. I like bread, and chips, and fries, and cake. I would rather be plump then have my heart pounding out of my chest. I know I am bitter. I am okay with it. I think God is okay with it too.

Not to mention that people in Switzerland speak Swiss-German so I am screwed no matter what. If it isn't hard enough to "blend" in here they make up their own dialect. Awesome. So I have decided I can only do what I can do. The plus is I don't have to be American, I could be German. Which is only 15 minutes from here. I would love for people to think I am Italian, actually. I have added some more bronzer in the morning so I can pretend I am.

I went and got some "Swiss" shoes yesterday because I was so sick of people looking at my shoes with their jaws dropped to the floor. I wonder what I will look like in a month. Smoking? Yellow pants? 10 inch heels? Weighing 120? HAHHAHAHA, I not likely on the last one.

Okay I am done venting for the day.

Crying cleanses the soul

I cannot take credit for these words. My cousin, Natalie told me that Uncle Greg said these words to her. They make so much sense don't they? The phrase puts me at such ease. I know God wants us to cry. He wants us to get everything out so that we actually feel our emotions. Holding everything in will soon turn disastrous for everyone. I feel that we have turned into a society where we look at crying as a weakness. This makes me so sad. What is weak about feeling sad? I think it makes a person stronger and more able to work through everything.

I have had so many tears in the past few weeks that I literally don't think I can cry anymore. I am moving today to Switzerland. I have had to say goodbye to all my family. If you know me you know how family is everything to me. I am the person I am today because of them. The past year has been so emotional because Andy and I never knew when we were moving. Every time I would come home, I would think what is it going to be like when I really move? All these feelings made for one very emotional year. That is why I am so ready to move. I have never ever felt bad about crying or getting sad though. I don't care if I walk into a store and people have seen that I have cried. I feel more powerful. I feel that I can actually show my pain and I am not embarrassed for others to see.

I always feel so much better after a good cry. Don't you? I cry, then I pray and I feel such a weight lifted off my shoulders. I wonder what it would be like if I never did cry? Would I be a cold person? I love that I have such a huge heart and wear my heart on my sleeve. When I see a homeless man begging for food I cry. When I see that someone has lost someone I cry. This makes me a compassionate person. This is who I am. I hold my head up high. I feel proud when I cry.

Too much time is never a good thing

I have done so much thinking in the past year that I am shocked I am not in a straight jacket yet. I haven't had a job since last June and have had to fill 8 hours a day 5 days a week up with something. Before, when I worked I thought how lovely it would be to not have a job. The house would always look immaculate. Andy would never have to worry about his laundry and I would be so skinny that people would ask where I was. Well the last part is just wishful thinking. I love food too much :) Well what ends up happening is that these things don't take up that much time. Monday by noon the apartment is clean and by the night all the laundry is done. Well that leads to just working out for the rest of the week.

I started thinking about everything all the time. When was I going to die? Is God really real? What if Andy dies in a car accident when I am pregnant? What if he loses his job? What if we move to Switzerland and I hate it? What if my family and I lose touch and stop being as close as we are? Am I fat? Do I have real friends? Am I a good enough friend, sister, daughter, wife that I need to be? Who should I donate to this week? I really should be working. If I have this much time on my hands why haven't I done more with my life. OMG!!!!!!!!! Just writing these things down makes my head spin. And don't let this fool you, there were many more thoughts that went through my head.

I started realizing how anxious I was becoming. I had so much time on my hands that I didn't know what to do.  Too much thinking creates anxiety which then creates depression. I had to put a stop to it. God put the idea in my head that having too much going on in our lives is better than not enough. I know that I am not the person that wants to look back at my life at 82 and think life went way too fast. But there is such thing as a balance. We, humans, only need about 30 minutes to an hour a day to reflect on our day, pray etc. I was doing this for 8 hours a day. Thinking so hard about every little thing I did. It is okay to look at the clock at 5 and think where has this day gone? That means you kept busy and weren't bored out of your mind. I would rather at the end of the day think to myself, ahh I didn't get to that today, then what the hell am I going to do tomorrow. I now have the mentality that too much on my plate is the way to go.

Reading the bible, workouts, working on my books, reading books, keeping up those relationships with friends, getting outside, helping others is the way I want to live. I would rather be running from one event to the next wondering how I got that coffee stain on my shirt or losing sleep because I am creating a list in my head for the next day.

I never knew I would say this but I would way rather be overwhelmed then be nothing at all.

Marriage is hard work

There is no doubt about it marriage is hard. If at the end of the day you want to have a love story then it is extremely hard. No one said it was easy. God says it is a sacred union. He puts marriage above everything else. God knows it is hard. He wants us to turn to him, and I thank him for that. I honestly don't know how marriages work that don't ask God to help guide them in the right way. I pray on a daily basis for so many things in my marriage. Putting a woman and man together in a house is like putting a lion in a bears cage to see who dies first. We are such opposite humans. Men and women need completely different things out of life. It is up to us to understand that and work hard at giving that to the other person.

I have noticed so many of us put our blood sweat and tears into our work and the second we come home it is lights off. How can I listen to my wife telling me about her day, when I just worked my butt off for 8 hours? God never intended for work to get into the way of our marriages. We have, in recent years, put our work lives on a pedestal and put every waking moment into that. We identify who we are buy the money we make, and the title we are given at work. Not by our relationships as husband and wives or as fathers and mothers. Work is supposed to provide for us. Not provide the 3 homes in the U.S. and the boat and jet skis for the lake rather for our basic needs. I have never been more impressed with families when I see that there are 4-5 children, a stay at home mom, and a husband that makes 40,000. They are serving the Lord. Their number one intention of being on this earth is to make him happy. Not to have 6 digits in the bank. Their focus is on each other and the families happiness.

Before we check out of our marriage and sign the divorce papers take a look at the bigger picture. Marriage is by far the most rewarding thing anyone will ever experience. It is a best friend that is always there for you. Someone to share your deepest darkest secrets with. Someone that supports you and tells you that you can and will accomplish anything you set your mind too. Someone to laugh with and cry. Someone that at the age of 80, you can look back and say life would have not been the same without the other. Someone that is so complex that you never stop learning things about them.

At the first sign of trouble we want to run for the hills. That person is messy and I tell them to be clean but they don't listen. Wasn't that person that way before you married them? We have this idea that the second we get married, our significant other is going to turn into a perfect human being with a halo around their head. If anything, the bad habits they were doing before get worse. I learned a lot in my bible study about sweating the small stuff. We have to let so much stuff go in order to have a fruitful marriage. Pride is such a big wall that we so often put up. I am very bad at this. I am quick to point out other peoples flaws but when it comes to myself I do no wrong. Marriage is filled with I am sorry.  

For myself I have to remember how badly I wanted to be engaged. At that time it is the only thing I wanted. I was engaged for 9 months and it was the longest months of my life. All I wanted to do was be married. To wake up next to Andy and call him my husband. To dream about the future and the family we were going to create. To travel and explore the world together, as husband and wife.

I try and make myself look at our wedding pictures once a week. I instantly get so emotional. I see that smile on my face. I have honestly never been as happy as I was on that day. I remember thinking, I am marrying my best friend. I am 24 and found the love of my life. I am so lucky. We so quickly forget these times though. Our lives move so quickly that we naturally think of the next step in life. The marriage excitement wares off in a few months and life begins. One argument turns into 5 in that week and we start questioning things. No one ever said marriage was easy. It will be the longest marathon to the finish line of ones life. But the journey getting there will have all been worth it.

Less worry, more living

A few weeks ago I had a freak out moment. I decided I didn't want to watch television anymore. I didn't want to have a Facebook account, no more alcohol and only wanted to eat healthy food. Well no human being could do all of this in one day even if they wanted too. This is basically changing every single thing in my life in a moments time. I don't know what got me in this mind set. Looking back I  had not been in my control for so long that I needed something to control. It has been a rough year for a planner like me. I have had no job and have had to re identify myself. My passion that I knew I would do for my whole life was now just a distant memory. I caught myself wanting to become someone who isn't me. I wanted to try being different because at the time I thought who I was was not working. I wasn't feeling like I was living. So what do I try to do, run from who I am.  Through this discovery of trying to be someone I am not, I found a better me.

Living needs to be more of an action then a thought. Less worrying about how others might perceive us. Fixating more on balance then cutting the "thing" off completely. Isn't that making us more responsible anyway? If we take something out of our life completely then we can't hold ourselves accountable. It isn't there, so we just don't think about it anymore. Whereas, if we do have it then it is up to us to balance those things within our lives. The act of self control makes one a lot more powerful then not having to use it at all.

 Andy has helped me with the balancing concept more then anyone I know.  A little television didn't hurt anybody. If you want a glass of wine with every dinner then so be it. Getting on Facebook twice a day will not make you addicted to the computer. You can eat fast food once a week and not die from a heart attack. Everything is in moderation. I always used to beat myself up if I happened to watch a lot of television one day. I would think, oh my, I just wasted an entire day doing nothing. First off I enjoy television so much. I laugh, I cry, I have all the emotions that one has while reading a book. If it is a love of mine then why cut it out completely?

I prefer Monday-Friday.

 I never feel like I fit into my age category. I always feel at least 10 years older then I am. I have never been amused with the party scene. I prefer a drink or two, then jumping in my sweatpants and watching one of my reality shows by 10:30-11 at the latest. I always apologized for not getting wasted at the bar with friends. Oh, I am sorry I do remember what happened last night. Is that a bad thing? I didn't black out at midnight, crap, what kind of person am I? I felt myself always making up excuses for not keeping up with the crowd. It wasn't until the past year that I was confident enough to admit who I was. An old soul who has a passion for Christ and enjoys more the day to day routine then the unplanned weekend events. I know what you are thinking. Why would I not absolutely love the weekends? Well besides not seeing Andy as much as I would like during the week, I can't quite explain my love for a routine.

I lied, I can explain why I love weekdays so much. I wake up everyday around the same time, 8 or 9. Wait patiently for my coffee to brew and savor every last drop of it. Then it is time for my "job" which we will talk about later. Workout comes next, which might only mean a walk outside to get fresh air.  I then tidy up a bit and next thing you know Andrew is home. The rest of the night is always so much fun, because I am with him and who knows what comes next! The expectations that come with weekends are enormous. Something exciting must be lurking around every Saturday and Sunday. You didn't climb Mt. Everest this weekend? Well then what did you do? You watched a movie and fell asleep at 10? How lame are you.  I love how on the weekdays, the nights might take you for a drink and a movie and it leaves us completely satisfied. But if that were to happen on a weekend then we are not living life to the fullest. Not to mention the fact that weeknights make up 5 out of the 7 nights a week. That means 20 days out of 30. Shouldn't we be making the weeknights count? I always hear people say how dreadful Monday-Friday are but when Saturday comes, life begins. How sad of a life. I know what some of you are saying, well you don't work. Well I did used to work and I made it a point to love my job everyday. If not every second, which is not possible, I always found the little things to make that day special. Even if it was grabbing a Starbucks in the morning. I always told myself it would never be about the money. I would end my job if I wasn't happy. I would and will always be perfectly content in a one bedroom apartment. Many people settle with a job they despise. We have such limited time on this earth, why not try and make every moment exciting?

Luzern, Switzerland-facing fears

I knew coming into this trip that the hotel we were staying at was 7,500 feet in the air. What I did not know was how far that actually was. It included 2 different gondolas and a 30 minute ride to the top. I am all about facing my fears in Europe and I guess this is where I should start?

My main reason for coming over here was to get out of my comfort zone. I am sick of being afraid of so much. I have always categorized myself as the scared one that always wants to stay safe. Do I want my memories to be the same thing day in and day out? Or do I want to think back to the time I was scared out of my mind sledding down a huge hill? If I am such a Christian then I should be able to do anything with his help. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Back to the gondola. Of course my husband Andy is all about seeing how terrifying he can make the trip. He says OMG what is that noise? Or why did it just do that? All while I am gripping to the side of the gondola with my eyes shut. This is what I love about him though. We have such a fun, loving relationship. I can honestly say I fall more and more in love with him everyday. He challenges me and ensures me everything will be okay, at the same time making it fun for both of us. That is a huge reason why I married him. He is the exact opposite of me, and pulls me out of my safety net. I couldn't imagine being married to someone like myself. I would have been bored out of my mind by day 2 of the honeymoon. Andy is a dreamer and I am so thankful God put us together. I get to ride along in his dreams :)

I had no idea that a place like this even existed. I honestly think that this is what Heaven looks like. I have never been in such awe and speechless in my life. It is a place where I can sit and stare at the same mountain top for hours. In fact that is just what I did yesterday. I sat outside on a lawn chair with a blanket and stared at God's creation. I couldn't help but think this would be such a great place to pray. Sedona, Arizona is the only other place that captured me like this. I feel so close to God. To my Uncle Gary, to Andy's cousin, Brian. The list goes on but for some reason Uncle Gary and Brian are on my mind a lot. I am assuming they are my guardian angels. Why else would I think about them so often? I cannot wait to meet Uncle Gary. He is my dad's brother and meeting him has always weighed so much on my heart. I have also never met Brian. I prayed for him so much that I feel a special bond with him. Maybe it is because Andy is so effected by the loss of him.

Being above the clouds is such an amazing experience. Sure, we have been above the clouds in an airplane before. This is different. I can stare at the clouds for hours, or however long they stick around, and be perfectly content. I feel invincible in a way. That I am above everyone else. I am away from reality and all that comes with that. The way the sun reflects off the snow. The way it can be so warm during the day but so frigid at night. When the sun is setting and the sky suddenly turns to orange, blue and yellow. What a sight, what a sight. Then when the sun is away and the moon appears the stars come along. Pilatus is a place that can be loved at every hour of the day. I haven't seen stars like this since Tulum, Mexico. I never thought I would feel as close to the stars as I did there. I guess I was wrong. I can't believe this is my life. What did I do to deserve this? There are starving children everywhere and I am a top a mountain living like a billionaire. God is good.

Today I will face another fear. Sledging down a mountain. I have never skied before nor done any other snow sport. Heidi is making me go down the harder slope :( It is okay though, the 2 women that did go on the trip have bumps and bruises to make me feel better. One woman has a cut on her nose. Do you know what my sisters would say if I came home with a cut on my nose? I would be the laughing stock for days. I am already self conscious about my cheeks that are a bit chubbier, I don't need to add something to that. Well, if I don't make it back up the mountain it has been real, blogger. Thanks for being there for me.

Fixating on differences.

When I first landed in Switzerland I couldn't get my chin off the ground. It was complete culture shock. I couldn't understand so many things. Why do these people dress this way? Why are the kids not any where near their parents? Why is everyone so skinny? Why do they all smoke? I don't want to speak German. I like English just fine. Rooms are too small. People drink too much. I don't know how to order food. Food is my life, what am I going to do? I thought in order to live here I myself would have to change and be like them. I can't wear a Northface and sneakers. That is a dead give away that I am an American. Everyone always stares at my shoes. UGH. Get over it. I like wearing them.

The more I spend time here the more I realize that it really isn't all that different. When you take all the small things out of the equation, it is like any other city. Most everyone speaks English. A lot of restaurant menus are in English. They have Starbucks. (This is my Heaven) They have bars, movie theatres, gyms, Mcdonalds, Burger King, Nike, H and M, coffee shops, post offices etc. Even in grocery stores most of the food signs are in German and English.

If I could tell someone that moved here what to do I would say find your comfort zone within the place. Start small and then get bigger. At first I only felt comfortable going to Starbucks. It was my home away from home. Now that I know more German I feel that I can go to any shop and order a Kaffee mit Sahne. I used to not even go to the market stands in fear that there would be a language barrier. Now I go and just try my hardest to speak German. If all else fails, just point.

I have learned that there is no use in being a perfectionist in a foreign country. I won't be fluent in German for a really long time, if at all. I notice that when trying to practice speaking German to them, they want to practice English with me. We are all humans trying to learn each others way of communicating. Europeans grew up completely different then I did. I find myself saying  that they are doing it WRONG. No, you are not supposed to have 4 hour dinners. Mam, your daughter is 2 weeks old and it is snowing and raining outside, take her in. Why do you guys not wear brands? It kills me. I just want to see a polo shirt, just one. Why do you think I am so weird for drinking my Starbucks while walking? Everyone in the U.S does it. Why do you guys ALWAYS dress so nice? You are just going to buy groceries. Don't you like sweatpants? You make me feel insecure. All of these questions, would be the same questions they would ask me. Instead of pointing the finger and thinking my way is right, I have learned to embrace the differences. I now step into a world of a lot more similarities then differences.

Things take time.

I know that it is human nature to want things in that very moment. If I need a new car, I want it that day. I don't want to research different cars. I want to look at 5 and pick my favorite. I am usually like that with ordering food. The first thing I see that I really want is what I get. I don't look for anything more. This is what leads me to my blog. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to snap my fingers and have everything come in a moments time. Scientists can sometimes work their entire lives on figuring out a cure and they never quite find it. They never gave up, or thought that their time and effort meant nothing.

I know I will need a lot of Gods help with changing. Right now I am having a lot of back problems. I try taking a medicine and if I don't notice a change in the first couple days, I stop taking it. When I pray to God, I want answers that moment. I don't want to wait a month to hear him. If I ask him to change me I think I should be changed the next day. This is not how it is supposed to be. Changing oneself takes time. Evolving into a different person takes strength, courage, and prayer. I never want to be the person that thinks I have reached my full potential either. I now know in the future that if I pray for change it will take time. As long as I stay strong and continue to pray it can happen.

Communication now a days.

I can't even believe how far communication has come. I can be in Switzerland and text anyone in the entire world for free. That is mind boggling. I can skype chat when I want, which is also free. I can call from skype on my computer, which is not free for me but not a lot of money. Not to mention email, facebook, etc. I feel like whenever I get homesick I use one of the many forms of communication and I feel better.

Being 6 hours ahead is not always fun though. When it is noon here it is only 6 am in Indy. I always feel like I can't talk to my family/friends till around 3-4 my time. Then at 7 I am off to dinner. I just feel so thankful for moving to Europe in this day and age. Back in the day when family left each other they didn't get in touch nearly as often as we do. They sent letters and postcards that would often take months to reach each other.

I get on Facebook and can see what all my friends/family are doing around the world. It makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside :) There is also a website that I can go to and pretty much watch any television show I want. That was the biggest concern of mine. I love watching reality shows and I thought to myself how am I going to get away from these for 2 years. Well now they have a site that lets you watch anything. I just feel so blessed. I feel that I have it so much easier then past generations. In the future when I do get sad I just have to remember how fortunate I really am. God is good.

I hate flying.

It is simple. No matter how hard I pray, no matter how many times I fly, I hate it. I cannot help it. I try and say oh this time it will be different. Nope. Every time the pilot says flight attendants prepare for take off, my stomach drops, and heart beats about 1 million times a minute. I pray, I can't sit still, I wonder how I will live if we crash in the water. Will there be sharks? Jellyfish? Other bodies that have too fallen down with an airplane? Then there is the thought of a crazy person on the plane. I always try to see if I can spot them. Like I would have any idea what a bad person would look like. Now the secret is out. Yes, sir I am sorry I was staring at you. You do have long hair, and you were checking your bag quite often.

Any who. This is just something that I don't think I can ever let go of. I mean why do people like flying? You are sitting there minding your own business when all of a sudden, the plane DROPS and you don't know where your stomach is anymore. It takes me at least 30 minutes to bring myself back to reality when IT HAPPENS AGAIN. I have a feeling that 3/4 of people that fly take some sort of prescription drug and drink heavily to pass out. I, on the other hand have to be alert because if something happens with the plane I am ready.  Am I the only one that still listens to the flight attendants every time they do their safety spiel? I also back that up with looking at the guide just in case I forgot how to put the oxygen mask on. Oh and flight attendants don't worry about telling me to put my mask on before putting others on. That was already my mindset. I mean if I would let my child get stung by a bee just so I wouldn't, I think I can manage putting myself first when a plane is going down.

Why did God give me this life of world traveling when I am scared of everything? I mean if I could sleep with a ninja turtle nightlight for the rest of my life I would....

Can you define happiness?

I've always wondered what it would be like to be truly happy. Is it to have more money? More clothes? More time with family? I believe I finally found my happiness. Faith.

Now this doesn't believe that everyday I achieve full happiness. It is a constant battle that leads me to God everyday. I have always been a somewhat happy person but found myself a lot of times not feeling happy in the exact moment. The feeling of wanting to be somewhere else that very moment. Well what good is that? Every time I do something, I want to be doing something else. Am I even living? This lead me to pray everyday to feel content with my life. Not the content of I like where my life is headed, but the feeling that every second is perfect and I would rather be no where else.  Why would I be hanging out with my sister in Indiana, wishing I was with Andy in England? Doesn't this just leave a person feeling empty inside? Well it did me. I was feeling that I should always be doing something bigger and better.

Through a continual prayer, God has allowed me to feel content at every moment. I now see things about Celia that I never would have seen because I was busy thinking about people on Facebook. Oh, I wonder where that person is going out tonight. I was missing out on the little phrases Celia says that are so funny. Or I miss the way she always flings her hair back so fast so to not miss a second of what she is playing with. Or with Cruz. My little Cruz who is such a snuggler. If I am on my phone and or computer thinking of something else I miss him tapping on my shoulder. Or smiling behind me for no reason at all. All of these precious moments in my life not wasted anymore because I have found how to be content. It is not about worrying how the next day will be. It is about seeing what is in front on you today.

Thanks Lord for helping me find this.

Sebastian and Nancy.

Okay so this morning was a rough one. My nephew, Sebastian was born with a heart murmur and today was the day the heart doctor decided if he needed surgery on his heart. Obviously this made us all just so sick to our stomachs. This little 5 month old boy that does nothing but smile might have to get heart surgery. All I have been doing is praying about it. Praying, Praying and more praying.

I couldn't sleep last night just thinking about this appointment. Amanda, my sister, wanted me to go with her for support. I of course said yes without hesitation. I prayed that I would find the right words to say to her during the visit, but are there any right words? I was trying to read Celia books and I was shaking because I was so scared. All I could think about was what was going through Mandy's head.

We go into the ultrasound room, and there was Nancy. I believe she was sent from God to be there with us that very moment. She instantly made us feel at ease. She put on cartoons for Celia and proceeded to talk to us about life. She must know how hard it is to have your own child sitting on a bed getting an ultrasound done on his heart. Nancy makes it seem like it is just another Monday. How could she act like this though,  she sees kids with cancer everyday of her life. Shouldn't she be angry? Hostile? Wanting more from life then seeing sick people? The answer to all of that is simply no. She feels happy to be alive everyday and wants the world to know it.

Nancy says she has learned so many lessons from these children. If we give up in our minds and think our time here on Earth is over, then it is. If we make the choice to get up everyday with a positive attitude then we can overcome most everything. Children that have a disease don't feel sorry for themselves because they don't know any better. When we adults come down with something we instantly feel like our time is up. We are defeated and nothing can change that. We let our minds drift off into this dark abyss and we never return to our happy place. Now I am not saying this for all people. I know plenty of adults in my life that have stared death in the face and not missed a beat of life. Nancy decided that she is going to wake up everyday and be happy. Can you say the same?

All in all today was a day I will remember for the rest of my life. Not only because my little Sebastian is okay but because I learned something unforgettable. I learned that it is important to be happy everyday no matter what the circumstances. You never know what the mind can overcome.

2012. New Year, new ideas.

2012 is going to be a big year for me. I have decided that I am done trying to fit the mold of what people want me to be. I have so many friends/family with so many ideas that I cannot possibly make them all happy. I am always so worried about how people view me and that isn't what life is about. It is MY life and I have to live for me. The one person I should be worried about it my husband and God. I know it will be a daily struggle to do this but it is so very important to show people who I am.

This is who I am....

• Working out and being healthy make me so happy
• Love having a routine. 
• Love getting up early
• Love going to sleep by 10-11
• I don't really care for alcohol that much. So I am over drinking because people want me too. It is my body. 
• I love reality T.V. I am done making apologies for that 
• I love being in sweatpants/yoga pants during the day, motivates me to work out 
• I love fashion
• I love the idea of being thin. I have prayed about this forever and it never leaves my mind. Therefore I have to get back to the weight where I feel happy. I don't need to eat just because someone wants me too. 
• I don't really care to go out. I love going out to dinner and going home to watch a movie. That is my idea of a fantastic night. 
• I don't like heels really, I am done wearing them because I think I should. 
• I want to be a mom in the next 2-3 years. I don't care what age I will be and don't care what people think. It is my life. 
• Love being outside. I pray a lot when I get outside and stare at God's beautiful creations. 
• I am sporty. I will never be a girlie girl. I just need to accept that about myself. I will always be a tomboy. This is how God made me :) 
• I absolutely LOVE being married. I never thought I would love it this much. Why am I making excuses for being married young and why I am happy. Who cares!! I am the happiest I have ever been.